Am I crashing, will I crash or am I still hypomanic?


The big tendency to spend spend spend that I can’t kick when I’m hypomanic I at least give a bow to that I buy quality things. For a while it was food, which was more of a self destructive thing as it was nothing healthy nor did I feel good eating it. Then it was makeup (Urban Decay, Smashbox, MAC) just for me to then get obsessive and organize out everything I’ll use regularly versus what I’ll use occasionally versus why do I even have this…and then plug up my purse with only exactly what I ‘need’ for regular use (See the next paragraph for extra stupid makeup information). Then I went splurging on clothes that FIT my fatty body while I quest to lose weight. Now I’m stylin’ and thankfully even though I did go a little overboard and got more than I needed, I got some good deals doing it and I’ve been WEARING all the clothes rather than having them and then being like ‘oops I don’t ever feel like wearing this…ever.’ After clothes and makeup came the bag splurge and after that came a request to make ‘Light Blue’ type cologne for my friend’s friend. So then I ended up going overboard buying perfume making supplies, and I just hope I stick to the recipes, make everything and have enough bottles to put it all in, and then SELL it. I always spaz when it comes to selling online because I never know what price to put for shipping…and then I have no faith in MYSELF not even my WELL MADE products, that they’ll sell. I just have so many negative thoughts that’s why I don’t run a side business making soaps, shaving cremes, lotions, perfumes, etc.

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My chemical imbalance has taken out it’s rage on how heavy my bag is. Questions that are kind of scary to consider have been haunting me (less and less the more equilibrium I get) are all in regards to what bare minimum can I carry around so my bag isn’t too heavy. What kind of bags inside of my big bag can I carry? How many is too many? Oops, let’s take out all the bags, okay let’s put the first bag back in but not a bag in that bag so it’s all free standing, oh lets not put in all of your hair accessories and jewelry, oops let’s get rid of something else in the bag that would be a few oz so you could have that headband in there…Is it too heavy? Is it too LIGHT? It honestly can’t be either or the little happy fighting thoughts won’t knock it off. The bag that I bought off of ModCloth that I was originally going to use as a tote I’m too scared to return because I’d have to go to the post office and all that, so I’m using that to hold the MANY books I tutor with. I’ll just keep that in the car and it’ll make it easier not to have so much weight on my original purse especially since I don’t carry those books around with me ALL week. After I came to that conclusion I was able to stop messing with all of it. Hopefully completely for a while, because I’m never done obsessing over my purse innards. It’s something that just boomerangs through my synapses.

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It feels good to put up pictures but then I think negatively over what people think of them. I feel that I’m a great photographer, but I feel like there are so many great photographers out there that it’s hard to keep up. It IS a hobby and not a career but it IS something I’m tremendously passionate about, and that’s why I get so aggressive over it. Since I have no lab to develop my TRI-X b&w film at anymore, I’ve taken to another splurge. I at least made my purchase on ebay, a 4 lens lomography camera. It should be REALLY fun to play with, and I still get to be a film stickler and use my 35mm.

OHLIFE my newest internet find. I plan on using this as my journal rather than my blog, so that I can keep all the little spazzy details to myself and try to crank out solid bipolar barbie posts to keep you in an infected mind without giving away too much personal junk you don’t need. Ahhh the neverending fighting for perfection.

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