Wish List (In Links)

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Thought fragmentation

For a moment there I thought I was going to be able to enjoy the silence, then the Mexican church that rents out rooms in the hotel every Sunday got REALLY LOUD again. As an anthropology minor I totally appreciate and find interesting how they worship, blowing horns to the angels and all, but as a peon stuck in a walk in closet of an office I can barely hear customers on the phone even with the door closed.

Ethiopian coffee is delicious. And strong, maybe that’s what I like about it. As I sip the medium McDonalds coffee David brought me I long for what I had last night (in it’s cute little pot and small cups). We had gone to a small Ethiopian restaurant and ordered a platter of various vegetarian side dishes along with a mixture of meats (beef, lamb and chicken) which were sautéed with peppers and onions. At first I was in a bad mood. I didn’t want Ethiopian for dinner, I have to be in the mood for certain cuisines, but it was a nice experience and I felt healthy leaving.

I really appreciate all the comments on my blog posts lately. It makes me feel like a real person in this community. Thanks guys!

I did get into my lab class, so next semester, which is going to be my last (God willing) is going to be intense. Work is super busy today. I’m starting to lose it a little bit. All my thoughts are getting fragmented more and more as I get orders pouring in.

I had a flare of jealousy over some chick on facebook today, and I swear bipolar jealousy is ten times worse than the normal kind! Managing my emotions has been a lot easier with adjusted medication but I still need to use mindfulness. Besides, I’m 26, grow up loser, everything’s fine.

Ramblings and Fears

I hope I have enough variety in my posts to keep my followers’ interests. I worry about that. Get over myself right? It’s pure anxiety, if anxiety was a drug you’d totally want to buy from me.

I love Christmas time because I get to write everyone cards telling them how much I love them. It’s the one time a year it’s not odd to come out and express it out of the blue. I’ve said before how hard it is to express myself to my family especially about how much I love them and how often I think about them and how much I want to be equally as loved. It’s often the same with my friends but I’m tenfold more open with them than I am with my family.

I keep getting stuck in caves on Victory Road (in Pokémon Y) and it’s horrifically annoying. Caves are the only place I get lost. Throw me in the winding forest and I’m cool, toss me in a tundra and I’ll figure it out, put me in a cave even with all the lights on and BAM you got me.

This morning driving to work I turned the radio off. It was annoying me. Usually I always flood the car with music, but not today. I had so much on my mind I had my own little radio talk show so to speak running it’s course.

There’s still some hope left for getting into the lab course I need to graduate. Aside from the family pressure and the tuition money I would be okay trying to get a full time job as long as I could get INSURANCE (there’s a group home in the city I’d love to work for with or without my Bachelor’s which does offer health insurance – which I need to live, like…literally) for a semester. However, in the end I’d rather finish up and get the hell out of there. Agoraphobia ruined 2 years of my life and had a deep impact on school which has set me back. It’s irritating to some degree to see the rest of my family succeed when I’m so behind and I’m the eldest. But that’s just being mad at myself. We’ll find out tomorrow about lab and my near future.

I made a couple new friends in school, one in particular I’ve talked to on facebook for a little (yesterday) and she even invited me to a Halloween party this Saturday. That means we actually like each other…and that scares me. I have one really good friend I met through school, and getting to know her was easy, we both ended up being bipolar and we both thought each other was hilarious. This new girl and I are pretty chill and had a great conversation, but for me the worst part of new friendships is that ‘getting to know each other’ stage. I don’t know how to get to know someone other than be like ‘So…let’s uhh get to know each other.” It’s really rather awkward, and even if I don’t give off the impression, I feel pretty awkward a lot of the time. Overall I’m glad to jump out of my comfort zone and make a new friend. It even pushes me to connect more with some of my other good friends so I don’t end up totally isolating myself like I get in the habit of…and jumping out of my comfort zone in one area tends to bleed over into others.

I went out by myself and got lunch yesterday. It was a terrifying experience but I got through it and had a nice sandwich and soup.

Oh to be OCD and Bipolar. Thank God the drugs (for now) are working as hard as they can since I can’t afford therapy.

A few words about School

There’s a certain sinking feeling when you look at the classes offered that you can start registering for tomorrow and you see you don’t meet the requirements to take any of the labs offered, that being your last real hump before you can graduate. So I may need to take Social Psychology so I can jump in the Social lab next semester. I have to tell my family, which is going to be the brutal part, it’s taken me forever to get through college with one setback or another thanks to what’s offered or good old bipolar, and now I may be behind by one more semester.

One hump that I did overcome was this past Friday. Thanks to my social anxiety I told my professor I wasn’t ready to present an article to which she encouraged me to anyways and said I shouldn’t let fear get in the way of accomplishing something. I then presented even though I was a minor train wreck about it, and she e-mailed me the next day to say “You did a good job yesterday, I’m proud of you.” I didn’t imagine she’d say something like that, and because of it I’ve felt like a champ all weekend. I have a medal around my neck and a new appreciation for my professor as a human being.