Ramblings and Fears

I hope I have enough variety in my posts to keep my followers’ interests. I worry about that. Get over myself right? It’s pure anxiety, if anxiety was a drug you’d totally want to buy from me.

I love Christmas time because I get to write everyone cards telling them how much I love them. It’s the one time a year it’s not odd to come out and express it out of the blue. I’ve said before how hard it is to express myself to my family especially about how much I love them and how often I think about them and how much I want to be equally as loved. It’s often the same with my friends but I’m tenfold more open with them than I am with my family.

I keep getting stuck in caves on Victory Road (in Pokรฉmon Y) and it’s horrifically annoying. Caves are the only place I get lost. Throw me in the winding forest and I’m cool, toss me in a tundra and I’ll figure it out, put me in a cave even with all the lights on and BAM you got me.

This morning driving to work I turned the radio off. It was annoying me. Usually I always flood the car with music, but not today.ย I had so much on my mind I had my own little radio talk show so to speak running it’s course.

There’s still some hope left for getting into the lab course I need to graduate. Aside from the family pressure and the tuition money I would be okay trying to get a full time job as long as I could get INSURANCE (there’s a group home in the city I’d love to work for with or without my Bachelor’s which does offer health insurance – which I need to live, like…literally) for a semester. However, in the end I’d rather finish up and get the hell out of there. Agoraphobia ruined 2 years of my life and had a deep impact on school which has set me back. It’s irritating to some degree to see the rest of my family succeed when I’m so behind and I’m the eldest. But that’s just being mad at myself. We’ll find out tomorrow about lab and my near future.

I made a couple new friends in school, one in particular I’ve talked to on facebook for a little (yesterday) and she even invited me to a Halloween party this Saturday. That means we actually like each other…and that scares me. I have one really good friend I met through school, and getting to know her was easy, we both ended up being bipolar and we both thought each other was hilarious. This new girl and I are pretty chill and had a great conversation, but for me the worst part of new friendships is that ‘getting to know each other’ stage. I don’t know how to get to know someone other than be like ‘So…let’s uhh get to know each other.” It’s really rather awkward, and even if I don’t give off the impression, I feel pretty awkward a lot of the time. Overall I’m glad to jump out of my comfort zone and make a new friend. It even pushes me to connect more with some of my other good friends so I don’t end up totally isolating myself like I get in the habit of…and jumping out of my comfort zone in one area tends to bleed over into others.

I went out by myself and got lunch yesterday. It was a terrifying experience but I got through it and had a nice sandwich and soup.

Oh to be OCD and Bipolar. Thank God the drugs (for now) are working as hard as they can since I can’t afford therapy.


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