In a stranger’s home

I just took all 11 of my pills in one gulp with lemon seltzer water which spilled onto my top. It’s cold enough in the basement on this cot that I need to wear my winter coat to bed. I’m dogsitting in a brand new home and I miss my own.

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The woman I’m sitting for gave me three pages of instructions. When her dog goes out, when she eats, what she likes to play…I know it’s hard to leave your child alone with a babysitter but you don’t need to give the babysitter anxiety with a packet like that. I thought when she called earlier she was going to want to talk to the dog.

Any way you put it, I wish I never took on this job. I did it through dogvacay and they took 15 dollars out of what I would have normally made for “insurance”. I originally went on the site because I was desperate for cash and work. I prefer word of mouth referrals I think. There’s just more trust and therefore freedom. I don’t like feeling like the all seeing eye is reigning down at me at 7:45 on the dot.

On a brighter note, I love my WordPress friends. I owe you all more than likes and comments but I ought to get on a computer more often to give them because you all deserve to know I’ve got your back and I’m reading your posts.

Give it a couple days Barbie. Maybe by Friday or Saturday (the last day) I won’t feel so miserable. In the meantime enjoy your WordPress family’s support!

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A Productive Day

I wish I could pipe up and be part of the conversation with my absurdly nerdy professor. I love him, I wish he knew! Truth is I get all squealy and want to jump in to the conversation every time. “Know ME! Not them! They talk enough!” I just can’t keep up with the mockingbirds in the class and the jabberjays too. He said he started a tradition with his brother’s kids that they will all come into the world owning a book so he got 2 copies of Hans Christian Anderson’s fairy tales (leather bound) for his twin nieces and wrote messages to them. I think that’s friggin’ great.  

I met an eccentric woman at the post office today. I thought she knew the blonde lady that looked like Meg Ryan whom she was talking to but it turns out she was just bored in line and REALLY sociable. She told me she works in New York for a magazine with fifty people beneath her and her mom (who she was there with) didn’t trust her to buy the right stamps. She was very well articulated in all the things she said and seemed to enjoy my company so before we parted I wished her on her way and said, “In case we never meet again, have a great rest of your life.” I think she liked that, I know I was pleased with myself for saying it, I’ve always wanted to.

How anxiety is robbing me

When I was a little girl my dad would give me money to buy extra milk or an ice cream at McDonald’s, but he’d have me get it myself. I was terrified and usually didn’t want to walk the 20 feet away in the mall from my watching parents to do it. I regret it now. How much dairy I could have enjoyed.

I thought about it today when I fought my social anxiety with all my might running to Walgreens and Costco for my dad. How much time I spend losing my mind over simple things. I suppose all my life I’ve been in this state of anxiety and it surely dosen`t help me any.

I miss my basement. It’s dad’s office space now but used to be my private abode where I could work out and dance, recline with blankets and watch Netflix marathons. I was anxiety free in the basement.

One thing that lessens my anxiety is Christmas decor in the house. I plan on cleaning up tomorrow before school in order to get the house ready for decorations right after thanksgiving. The longer the Christmas spirit lingers in the house, the happier I am.

I put my two weeks notice in at work today. I pray my interview comes soon and I get the job. I’ll be taking my first step into real adulthood, the full time job. I hope I can handle life. I wish I could live on disability checks forever.

Life feels empty. No reason or rhyme in particular. I’ve been particularly social lately but not happy doing it. It’s hard to fake smile. Not to be overly dramatic, but it’s the tears of a clown, when there’s no one around, ohh yeah baby.

What is your mood today? 60
How are you feeling physically? Lethargic
And emotionally? Anxious
What are your goals for tomorrow? Clean the house in order to put up Christmas decorations.

Life’s lame, man

A year ago when I was in group therapy we’d come in every morning and go around the room answering several questions. I’ll answer those for you now.

What’s your mood on a scale of 1 to 100? 25.
How are you feeling physically? Tired, worn down.
And emotionally? Anxious, worried, irritated, frustrated
What are your goals for today? To manage to drudge downstairs to take my pills before bed.
Did you meet your goals from yesterday? No.

God almighty do I miss group. I just sent out three texts to the people from group I kept in touch with but haven’t talked to for some time wishing us all a happy anniversary of our meeting. I hope even if they don’t respond, they appreciate it.

Adventures in Dogsitting II

I don’t know where to sleep tonight, Elizabeth’s little nook with the curtains I can draw around the bed in the wall or her twin brother Buck’s new bed with crisp linens. Both rooms have a naked window I can watch the stars from but Buck’s is bigger. I could always fall asleep on the downstairs couch watching TV, but I’m feeling quiet tonight, so a quiet bed would suit me well.

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Out there beyond the windows is a bus stop and a park that’s been re-done since Elizabeth and I were best friends in high school. Once she had a birthday party at her house and the last of us there that night went across the street to the park and played a game where you could only move on the playground equipment and the ‘monster’ would have to catch you on it. It was one of the last great nights I had before I fell apart suddenly with a handful of symptoms that turned into two and then three handfuls of symptoms and a year later I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.

I’ve since recovered enough to function without antibiotic treatment, but never hit remission. I miss my best friend Elizabeth, not to knock Nikki and Lucy who mean the world to me, but Elizabeth and I were a special duo, and in a manic depressive episode I annoyed her to death during her finals her senior year of college. After that she cut ties with me and I never could quite forgive myself for that.

I still dogsit for her mom, whose a friend of mine I deeply cherish. Neither Buck nor Elizabeth have lived in the house for years now, and Elizabeth lives halfway across the country. I miss her the most when I’m living my current life in her old space. If I don’t sleep in her room I usually peek inside once a visit as if I’m going to find things placed differently. Her perfumes are still on the dresser and her teal wig is still placed atop a CD rack. Clothes still in her closets and posters still on the walls.

I wonder outside of those windows if there’s a place to hide a cache. I recently learned about geocaching and the first thing I wanted to do is go to a store called Uncle Fun and get all sorts of little treasures to put in a box as well as a guest book and mark the coordinates on the official geocaching website, but as we’ve already had our first snow I don’t think winter would be an ideal time to geocache, so I’ll wait until the spring, when Chris comes back from the ski resort he’ll be leaving for on Sunday. Maybe it’ll be our first outing together, hiding a special box with a special person in my life.

I’ve been weary lately, which has caused a lot of anxiety – pressure to talk, and in the process having all my words sucked dry from me on the spot when I’m with people that I desperately want to make conversation with from my dad to Chris to Lucy and Nikki. I have these two beautiful dogs to be quiet with and a big house that feels like a second home after all these years, so perhaps with their company I’ll be able to relax a little, so I can open my clamshell and be myself again.

Tomorrow’s the day

I originally thought all the signs were pointing in one direction until I moved a little and a bunch more signs read to go the other way. I’ve been lost in mixed episode wonderland where making decisions is a hard thing to do and my perception is bloated.

Tomorrow’s the day I plan on venturing into the health club I signed up for online this past week. The moment after I did it in my nice manic state the depression from regret kicked in and that dread of even having to cancel seemed to be too much to bare. I’d really love to get back in shape though. Gaining nearly 100lbs on Depakote after my manic episode that landed me in the hospital one year ago this month was a life-changing horrific event I’ve yet to remedy. I’ve lost maybe 20lbs total but there’s a LOT more to go. Thanks to hypothyroidism it’s a lot harder to lose weight and worse than that have energy to run around and lose the weight. One day at a time is the best I can do.

When taking my test tonight for my very important psych class, the professor said only to put our names on the front page so he doesn’t subconsciously grade with bias. I just imagined him having me in mind when he made the announcement as he knows I’m having a hard time and may even take into account how mania can affect your attention span and focus including during a test. Maybe I’m just being self centered, but I’d like to think it’s a sweet notion that I’m screwed up and special and he likes me.