Time Warp

I’m watching the old Goosebumps TV Show on Netflix and it’s tripping me out. I loved the 1990’s so damn much and had such a radical childhood. Now life is full of Bipolar Disorder and College (stress). Relationships that span years of complication and cleaning. I remember once playing outside in the sprinkler and then rushing in to watch Stick Stickly. Nickelodeon was the Eden of TV lands. I read every Goosebumps book in the R. L. Stine prime age. We had kiddie pool’s in the backyard. I ate Disney ice cream with sweet tarts, once in a while I’d sneak one while my mom was cleaning. I never went to summer camp, I enjoyed school and got good grades, I never imagined I’d be a pet care provider and always asked Santa for a dog. I opened up Pound Puppies and Littlest Pet Shop Christmas morning. I loved life to the fullest.

Now I’m a scared, anxious person who has trouble getting myself to see friends and struggles in school. My best friend is not the same. I have trouble keeping up with my best friend now because I spend so much time isolating. I don’t have the patience to sit there and finish a video game. My family doesn’t gather round to watch when we start up a video game. We spend most of the time in separate rooms. My sister is a completely different person. Likely she turned autistic because of a vaccination.

So who can blame me if I’d like to re-live some of the 90’s? Here are some shows I’d like to re-watch that are hopefully on Netflix. Hey Arnold! Hey Dude. Ahhh!!! Real Monsters. The Adventures of Pete & Pete. All That. Animorphs. Are you Afraid of the Dark? Double Dare. Doug. KaBlam! Rocko’s Modern Life. Salute Your Shorts. Rugrats. The Secret World of Alex Mack. What Would You Do? Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Maybe this’ll help bring me out of my slump.

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Friend Invantory

Normally I try to leave out the little details about whose who and what’s what in my life because it’s BORING to you if you’re not familiarized with it, but I just can’t help but need to vent to something other than my paper journal today. Forgive me?

Lucy and Chris are my best friends, though lately neither has been there for me. I’ve been needing support lately in this depressive swoop. My insurance runs out shortly so I can’t even really see my doctor and have her adjust my medication just yet. Lucy is busy with Jenny, her other best friend, or more like her only best friend these days, Jenny’s back full force in her life now that she’s single and it makes me sick to see all their lovey dovey best friend posts on facebook. Meanwhile, Chris is in Washington sending more snapchat’s then texts. It’s hard to open up to Nikki because she’s such a quiet person and Lisa I feel is more family than best friend though we’re very close and I love her children. Angela is dealing with her own very messy life and the rest of my friends I care about, but feel highly disconnected from. At least lately, I feel disconnected from the world. That’s why I’ve been drowning myself in video games, to distract myself from reality, but it sinks in mornings like this when I’ve gotten very little sleep and it’s so close to a holiday.

There’s no holiday I get more emotional about than Christmas. It’s very special to me, and I spent hours putting up decorations to celebrate. It’s going to break my heart like it does every year to take them all down. The time just flies by too quickly and I feel like I don’t spend enough time in front of the Christmas tree admiring it. Every Christmas Eve it’s a tradition for me to write a note to Santa with milk and cookies out thanking him for my parents and all they do for me. I go back to school on January 7th, only three classes, but I’m nervous to talk to my adviser about my Capstone which I also need to complete. I feel like he won’t recognize/remember me. It may be an imaginary fear but it’s one that’s going to eat away at me until I face it. I’ve started journaling in the notebook entitled “IT’S GONNA BE OKAY” Lisa got me from modcloth. I got scared I wouldn’t WordPress as much with it, but more it’s for stream of thought thinking in all the in-between time. I need to go through all the blogs I follow and catch up with everyone, I feel like it’s a weight on my shoulders every time I log into WordPress now. God I’ve got a lot of issues at the moment. I’m even anxious about going to see my friend Suzanne who I dogsit for when she just wants to give me a gift. Geez. Somebody slap me.

Slowly Creeping

This ache is slowly creeping around my body. I’m not sure what it’s attributed to, but it’s annoying. Probably a lingering Lyme ache.

I had a GREAT lunch with my friend Amy today. Conversation just flowed and so my anxiety about having to make conversation went fluttering away. One very empowering thing about our conversation was about how society puts too much focus on women’s looks and disregards the caliber of a person someone actually is. And if someone doesn’t respect you or think you’re wonderful for who you are then they’re not worth it, in a nutshell. It actually came back to haunt me later (in a good way) where I was still on my high from lunch this evening and ran into someone I haven’t talked to for ages online. I ended up telling them a little about my year and my bipolar and they stopped responding. Now they could have stopped responding for a variety of reasons, it WAS just a facebook chat, but it’s rude and automatically I go to the thoughts

“Is it me? It must be me. I did something wrong. I said too much. What I said was ‘too heavy’. I shouldn’t have talked about something so personal. Now everyone they know is going to know about my bipolar. I’m so ashamed.”

Then I confronted those thoughts,

“This is stupid. If that person wants to shit on me let them go for it. They’re not worth it if they do or they judge me. I am one of the least judgmental people I know, and even Amy said I’m one of the most giving, two amazing traits right there. Stop thinking poorly about yourself.”

“Well what if Chris thought I did the wrong thing?”

“Well then that’s his opinion and maybe I think I did the wrong thing too on some level, but what can I do now? I was just making conversation, and it’s my body and my life and I’m entitled to make mistakes too, so now I’ve learned from my situation and I can move on with my life, and just not care who judges me and who doesn’t, and Chris shouldn’t care because it’s none of his business anyways.”

“Yes but you two are both very involved in one another’s lives you know, he’s probably judging you.”

“Didn’t we go through this about the judging?”

“I know but he’s like one of the MOST important people in your life, what if HE’s doing the judging?”

“Then you need to tell him if he has something to say about it to let it go, because I have to too, and I’m too naieve sometimes to think just opening up and talking to people about whatever comes up is a good thing. He’ll understand we all make mistakes and I’m not perfect. He may not even care, just like so and so might not even care about what we were talking about because it was so mundane.”

“I guess you’re right. So let’s forget about it.”

“Yeah, let’s let go.”

Transformations

The texts I sent out must have been like owls holding letters for 11 year olds who have no idea what Hogwarts is, shocking and maybe a little bit scary. I know I’m shocked and a little bit scared myself that I sent them out. I just don’t want to be reaching out to people for the wrong reasons, like, I’m feeling neglected by my close friends and therefore need to reach out to people who used to give me attention so I could go through that honeymoon-magical phase of reconnecting just to then be like ulch, why did I do this?  These texts were to old friends I haven’t spoken a word to for over a year. I’ve even considered re-entering the community that I made so much effort to separate myself from because too much drama was connected to it, maybe a little over a year later I could start anew? My only problem is the self-consciousness about having gained all this Deptakote weight and the shame in not having dropped it yet. I just want to be able to get out of the house, go to that gaming cafe and sit in a corner, maybe chat with some friends that work there, and veg.

There’s a little excitement in that santa bag of emotions of being able to be a new person and re-immerse myself with some decent people later on and have a good time, but I also feel like maybe I’m the only one whose taken a change to themselves and in turn everyone will still be the same kind of dicky, egotistical prick that I put up with but don’t love. I mean I can GUARANTEE you I’m the only one who went through a manic episode that ended herself in the hospital, months of intensive outpatient therapy and a major lifestyle change. I don’t even have the confidence I used to have back then. Though my confidence could have been sheer mania during the period of life I experienced with those people. I wasn’t as in touch with my episodes then either as I am now. Part of me is clammed up with water rushing through me and the other part wants to stick my clam tongue out to show off the pearl (the new me) not just to these people but to ALL my friends. I think I’m just going through a hard time, and whatever happens is great as long as I do it in a positive way without hurting myself.

I want to start picking up Sailor Moon. I’ve only been on winter break for officially two days now, I want to groom, I want to color my hair and I want to feel pretty next in the order of things. I want to enjoy playing World of Warcraft and make new connections with people online in my new guild though nothing could touch the incredible love my old guild showed for each other and that will always make me sad. But you never know right? I want to get my resume in to the nursing home this week too. I can’t wait for the Christmas Party I’m going to on Friday. Man I’m all over the place!

 

Freaky Friday

I’m watching the end of the Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsey Lohan. I wish she wasn’t a giant spaz, my childhood was made up of her movies, lastly being that one. I saw it in the Wisconsin Dells with my family one night when we needed a break from the heat at this tremendous movie theater and I wept quietly at the end and made sure no one saw me doing it. It was that turn of the century for me moment just weeks before I would become a living vegetable with full blown Lyme Disease symptoms and no idea why I would cry so easily and like a baby at things like dropping my toothbrush let alone a heartfelt moment where Anna gives a speech for her mom. Now every time I see that movie its double the emotional punch, and still makes me a little teary eyed because no matter how much Lamictal I’m taking I’m still a sucker.

Finals are over which is a nice feeling but I’m waiting upon my grades now and there’s only one class I’m nervous about; once I find out what my grade is in that class I’ll be able to adjust accordingly.

I started playing World of Warcraft again. It would give me an excuse to go to Ignite (gaming cafe) but I can’t face those people in that community right now after having gained so much weight after a year, it’d just be severely embarrassing and who cares if the reason is that you were on Depakote and it made you gain 80lbs? You STILL GAINED 80 LBS and that’s what’s problematic. I’m hoping to lose some of this weight over my winter break.

My friends (new and old) have become really important to me the past month, and keeping in touch with them daily has been on my to-do list. So far I’ve been alright at it too. I think I could be better if I wasn’t so damn depressed. It’s not paralyzing this time through, but it is pretty devastating to my energy level.

I need to somehow shake this negativity.