Crooked

I ran out of episodes of Girls to watch so decided it was time to crawl into Buck’s bed where in a few hours I’ll get woken up by two hungry dogs. I can’t wait to take another luxurious shower tomorrow with the music playing, dancing and singing while I wash my hair with very expensive shampoo.

I’ve picked up a nanny job again once a week for three hours. Since ignite doesn’t want me I need some kind of income even if it just pays for gas. Then there’s the tutoring gig. There are still jobs out there, I’ll find a real one eventually.

I’m going through withdrawal without the tears tonight. It’s hard waking up knowing you’re not going to get a smiling good morning text, even if it’s just small talk thereafter while he’s working. Ah there come the tears. I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. When people have kids they say they feel like they’re doing it all wrong because there’s no manual for parenting. I feel those same emotions right now.

I want to get on the book writing train but I’m so impatient about the whole process. I get a writers high just publishing a blog post because of the instant gratification. I’m turning into the coffee and cigarettes artistic writer with red lipstick and a pessimistic attitude but that kind of writer also cuts the bullshit out and gets down to business. I can see myself on that diet too. I probably would have ignored eating today entirely if it weren’t for David who wanted to get dinner.

The mentally challenged dog I’m looking after was just trying to tip over a garbage can in the bathroom. I jolted up to see what she was destroying THIS time. Minutes before she was barking at the other dog for laying on the couch. Can’t she just go to sleep?

Tomorrow I get my ADD drugs. They use stimulants to treat that crap so I’m hoping to feel a little high and very focused when I start them. Maybe then reading and writing will be easier…reading. we were supposed to finish more books together. I’ll miss our book club. I miss everything and I regret that I’ll be missing out on even more now. I can only hope this “thing” is over when he comes home.

One can always hope.

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Day 1

Day 1 (officially a full day) has gone by and I kept myself busy with wasting gas visiting my friend David, we ran into Jeff at dinner and we spent 2 hours playing video games at Ignite. I ran into Sam and Pete and caught up. Pete said he hasn’t seen my resume yet. I doubt I’ve got a job, they were doing interviews with people left and right while we were there and I was super bitter about it.

On a high note, I did manage to get myself out during the day. On a low note my day started with a text from my dad saying “Take that boyfriend crap off facebook and take a course in how to use social media”. Thanks for your concern dad. I didn’t even know he even used facebook anymore. Either way, it was like someone putting salt on a wound. So I took it down.

Tonight I don’t know what to do with myself. I catch myself wanting to text him to just chat but I’m trying not to. He texted me today which was in a way calming but if that’s the last thing he ever says to me I’m not going to be thrilled. Suzanne’s son is supposed to stop by tonight to pick something up for her.

I feel disgusting. But today is better than yesterday. The support from the WordPress community has been very helpful, so thank you everybody.

Edit: Sam just told me they’re going to go with other candidates. Great day.

 

 

 

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He Left Me

The first thing I did after the apocalypse was grab the last of Suzanne’s ‘Pinky’ vodka from the pantry and take a shot and it did in fact taste like acid. So after that I decided I’d rather not vomit all over the place drinking tonight though I did want to get pretty messed up. I had prior plans I went through with to go hookah with my best friend and our other friend Lori. Both of them had a better time with it than I did. I got more of a headache than lightheaded feeling but did mellow out a bit while I was there. Then we stopped for food though I was not hungry. Deep heart wrenching depression is a great appitite suppressant but it was kind of Lori to buy us all food so I ate in hopes that it would help ease the headache. After that was karaoke. Our friend Jin dropped in when we had about 40 minutes left to go and every song I sang was of some lyrical value. I was having fun, feeling cathartic up until the last songs that were in korean but just sounded so sad and then Lucy had to go ahead and translate that they were about ‘when you come back I’ll be here with open arms’ and things like that and I waved my hand at her to stop her from telling me anymore because I was starting to break open a little bit. I spent the first moments after the apocalypse crying and ruining my makeup entirely. I re did it and got a bunch of compliments which made me feel nice at the time. I would have gone to ignite tonight had we been home earlier.

I was in a half daze in the back of Lori’s car on our way home from karaoke. Not in shock or anything because plainly I’ve been in this situation before and I know how bad it hurts, this time I didn’t think of OD-ing on dangerous medications I just decided to take it like a man and fall with the blow. I hope it dosen’t last, the apocalypse, but you never know and that really blows. I even put up a status message about being single on facebook which is a huge admittance for me and thankfully my friends have been kind enough not to ask any details but support my follow up comment that I’m too good for pretty much everyone and so therefore finding someone isn’t a simple challenge. Especially since nobody’s going to be him. So even talking to Lucy about casual dating I know at the end of the day nobody’s going to have his laugh or his sense of humor or make me feel the same when they sit next to me at the table of the restaraunt when we get breakfast after our hotel night we were supposed to have the first night he came back.

I’ve had so many problems with being alive lately that this one really takes the cake. I can’t say I wish I was never born because I haven’t had the hardest life but it’s been a difficult run and I’m just glad I have a little less than a week left here at Suzanne’s to dogsit quietly and cry if I need to and mourn before I go home and people ask me why I’m bawling my eyes out and I snap at them at the top of my lungs and tell them to leave me alone until finally I let my mommy rub my back and tell me it’s okay not knowing what’s bothering me but knowing her little girl is hurting.

I hate pain, I’d rather have a headache than a heartache though and right now I have both. I’m sobbing like a baby and nobody’s coming to my rescue tonight. I feel so bad for Ray on Girls. Shoshana that stupid whore just left him and she wasn’t even good enough for him, and just as he got his shit together too. Then he goes and ends up getting punched in the face by some other douche over something stupid complicating his already shitty life. That’s the punch line so to speak, we all get punched in the nose complicating our already messy lives at the worst possible times.

I love my friends but I miss my BEST friend and I always will with all my stupid heart because that’s how it’s always been. At least now I’ll lose the last of my weight thanks to this fucking depression and can cry with my patients one day when I hear their stories about having their insides turned outward and will be able to help them through it day by day but not be able to tell them it gets any easier. I have really. bad. luck. with life.

I really hoped for something better. I didn’t want to leave the car I just wanted to cry and listen to music and fall asleep in the high of 19 it reached today. Instead I’ll go upstairs and sob myself to sleep and hope to sob less tomorrow. I’ve seen better days but I’ve seen worse ones too.

Goodnight.

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Luvox and deterioration

I am in need of letting the medication get back in my system. Everything is sad and makes me cry. I hope I can breathe while I sleep tonight.

I didn’t hear from Chris at all today. I feel really alone. Like Hannah in Girls just deteriorating but there’s not any Adam at the end of season two to come kick my door down and rescue me.

Still haven’t heard back about the job. I visualize myself working there though while I’m daydreaming on my drives places. I’d prefer to just live on disability when it comes down to it though.

It’s negative something outside. It dries out my eyes. School is closed tomorrow. I’m glad I can save gas. My campus is 50 minutes away. I’ve been using absurd amounts of tinted lip balm. I’m trying to take better care of myself.

You know, while I go crazy.

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INFJ (Personality Test Results)

Just took the MB personality test years later than when I first have and have the same personality type. Just for kicks this is all about an INFJ.

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally “doers” as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.
INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people — a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious “soul mates.” While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent “givers.” As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood — particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a “tug-of-war” between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.
Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the “inspirational” professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of “hard logic”, and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* — the dominant function for the INFJ type — which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.
In their own way, INFJs are just as much “systems builders” as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ “systems” are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually “blurrier” than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted — yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life.Those who are activists – INFJs gravitate toward such a role – are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden.They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress.INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless.The concept of ‘poetic justice’ is appealing to the INFJ.
“There’s something rotten in Denmark.” Accurately suspicious about others’ motives, INFJs are not easily led.These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time.Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.
INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.
Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.
(INFJ stands for Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging and represents individual’s preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung’s and Briggs Myers’ theories of personality type.)
Functional Analysis Of An INFJ

Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and “live in the here and now” of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking
The INFJ’s thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ’s thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ’s arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the “SP wannabe” side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it’s not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

INFJs are effective in occupations involving substantial intellectual work, caring for other people, and requiring creativity. INFJs build successful careers in a broad range of organizations. Social and community care services, counseling, teachers of humanities and social sciences, healthcare workers (both in administration and in medical services), various service-oriented professions as well as religious services and social movements are just some of the examples of occupations favourable to INFJs. Quite often they are found in mid-rank management positions. For some of them occupations in sciences or academia are also favourable.

Famous INFJ’s

Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet
U.S.Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl “Jimmy” Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley MacLaine (Sweet Charity, …)
Piers Anthony, author (“Xanth” series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U.S.Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jerry Seinfeld
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May

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OCD and Deep Dark Fears

The best of the web comic featured on tumblr, Deep-Dark-Fears which as an OCD person (like, clinically not socially) this is kind of funny to me in a morbid way because I get obsessive thoughts similar to these anytime my medication is wrong or I for whatever reason am off of it (have run out, etc.) Anyway, I thought I’d share these because they’re pretty spot on brilliant and down right scary.

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Detox Bath Recipe

Okay directions for the detox bath I was talking about in my last post are:

3, 8oz bottles of Hydrogen Peroxide
2 cups Epsom Salts

Both of which can be purchased at a Walgreens, or your local drug store.

The basis of the bath is that you heat the water up in the tub as hot as you can stand to get you to sweat, the hydrogen peroxide and epsom salts pull out the toxins in your body. There’s no goo that’ll come out of you, the water will be clear the whole time, bring a washcloth to wipe your face as you sweat. Sit for 20 minutes minimum and probably 40 max. You don’t want to get TOO drained. You’re going to feel like crap when you get out. Like it may even be hard to stand up for long periods of time without feeling woozy so drink WATER asap and keep hydrated afterwards, you’ll be looking for some anyways. But believe me maybe a half hour later you’ll feel so much better. No aches, (or very few depending on the severity of your condition) and feeling literally like you’ve been detoxed. I originally took them when I had Lyme Disease because I was on so many antibiotics and things were dying off in me I needed to clear my liver on a weekly basis and that was how I did it. It’s good for anyone, just make sure you’re sweating, you don’t need the water so hot your skin turns red like I normally take my baths…but that’s a preference to make SURE I get the process going.

Any other questions I’m happy to answer but I hope that’s a lot clearer 🙂

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