Lows and the Supernatural

For starters…

One major anxiety I have is saying goodbye when I’m with friends. I never had a problem doing it with Chris because I was my most comfortable with him, just like I have no problem doing it with my family. (Aside from the paranoid ‘what if something bad happens to them when they go do whatever they’re out doing?’) But friends, I don’t see everyday, and I’m close to my friends, it’s a grey area. I have problems thinking that people I love don’t love me as much as I love them, which makes me need to WORK to KEEP that love strong and then I have to keep up some sort of smiling face all the time so- that- I don’t even know. I just want everybody’s time out to be a GREAT time out worth remembering. Even if we’re just watching movies and eating pizza. Or playing board games and eating pizza. Or going to Comic Con and eating gyros. My brain goes into full-on monologue mode where my logical mind thinks things out with my anxious mind and I try to keep my vitals from peaking into panic attack mode.

The next thing on my mind.

I see discounts on boat rentals, paintball and packages at Starved Rock which I ALWAYS wanted to go with Chris to. It’s a little more painful today than normal (who am I kidding, it’s wayyyy more painful) because I saw him leave flirty comments on a girls picture of her taking a selfie in her underwear. It pretty much killed my day. On the other hand it makes me feel like a 13 year old. He’d probably roll his eyes if he heard that, and I wouldn’t blame him. I forgot about it for a few hours watching Supernatural (doing this whole study- but then take an 8 hour break to marathon Supernatural), but it’s back to haunt me now. I need to sleep the next couple year of my life to get over the guy, I’m telling you. I “unfollowed” him on my facebook so I hopefully won’t see what the hell else he’s saying to women. GOD it hurts.

 So what’s Supernatural got to do with anything?

I’ve seen a ton of random episodes over the years, but on Netflix wanted to start marathoning something, so I figured why not Supernatural? In my most trying times, the best distraction has been to find a TV series, an empty room, a pillow and blanket to camp out with, and press play. Dean and Sam Winchester are nice eye candy too. I used to think Sam looked like a fish, but due to the phenomena of ‘mere exposure’ I think I may have developed a fictional character crush on him. Him and you know, Tuxedo Mask, and countless other strong male leads in cartoons, novels and movies.

Last thoughts?

Thought of Chris when I saw this.

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Just wanna be happy again.

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People skills

It took 17 songs (and 3 highways) to get from the depths of the city where I’m dogsitting to my destination suburb where class was. Dr. Clay greeted me kindly and I could feel myself blush. He’s got the greatest personality and the sweetest heart. Over my day hospital adventure he was accommodating and kind. I’ve only got 2 more classes with him and I’m going to miss him.

Since it turned summer (we skip spring and fall in Chicago) I’ve been enjoying the night with the owls, singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down and dancing in the driver’s seat. It’s more than I HAVE been dancing since I gained weight last year and Chris encouraged me not to dance because it’s embarrassing for fat people to dance. I remember going to concerts with him and swaying WISHING things were the year before when I could completely get down and it was sexy.

I think I’m going to apply for disability. My dad is giving me his support which is a big deal. It’s been something I’ve thought about for at least a year. I hear they’ll turn me down at least 3 times, but I’m willing to keep re applying. The only thing I heard that’s odd is that once I have disability I’ll never be able to get a job because I’ll be on disability. That doesn’t sound right to me.

I wonder if Chris is back in town. He sent me a snapchat of his packed suitcase about a week ago, that was the last I’d “heard” from him. I assume if he is home he’s living it up blowing money at bars with his brothers and friends before he goes back to work. Everywhere I go I carry some extra degree of anxiety thinking he’s spotted me and is judging from afar. Then I wonder what part of the city he’ll move into. What will his life be like? How happy will he be to stumble into his apartment with a new girl fumbling to lock the door?

I remember the day I got him his job. We were discussing what he could do and searching indeed.com on my phone when I had the idea maybe he could work for my friend Lucy’s company. I texted her and we got things rolling, she was doing me the favor. It was warm out and Chris and I were lounging on a green blanket at the forest preserve. I took a picture laying on my stomach of the mountains of the blanket against the grass and sky. Not the artsiest picture, but one I can remember clearly to this day.

It upsets me that he had”requests” for his terms of getting his job back after his time out of state for the winter. It wouldn’t have bothered me and I do at the end of the day want him to be more comfortable and work more reasonable hours…but even Lucy told me she thought it was kind of rude he didn’t talk to her for months and that’s what he had to say to her after all that time. She thought they were at least friend’s. It pissed me off that that’s how she ended up feeling. You could at least fake a friendly “how are you” a week before it sounds like you’re making demands.

In the end, shouldn’t matter to me anyway about Chris. He has no interest in any kind of relationship with me. I say to myself I should stop being nostalgic over memories that pop up as I see or smell things in everyday life, but, I’m sentimental. I could be bitter and tell everyone he was a waste of time, but that’s not how I feel. I’m just sad all that laughing, adventuring, intimacy is gone.

This is a phone blog post so it’ll be a little before I can reply to comments until the weekend. I don’t have a Wi-Fi password here so no laptop. Bleh.

Liebster Blog Award

liebster

I was nominated by JANETMICKLEY who is an amazing blogger and individual. 🙂 I’m glad to have her part of my WordPress family and I hope we continue to know each other for time to come.

 

  • This award motivates bloggers to work hard.
  • It provides exposure to small bloggers.
  • It helps to build good relationships with other bloggers.
  • It is an opportunity to share more about you with others.
  • It’s easy and good fun.

 

You just have to follow the steps given below, if someone nominates you for “The Liebster Blog Award”:

1. Thank the person that nominated you!
2. Post 11 Facts about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions posted by the person who nominated you
4. Nominate 10 Bloggers that you think deserve some recognition
5. Inform those bloggers that you’ve nominated them!
6. Post 11 questions for them to answer

 

Here are 11 facts about Myself:

  1. I have bipolar type 1 and was diagnosed 6 years ago.
  2. I’m at the tail end of my undergrad psychology degree.
  3. My favorite way to make french toast is strictly with eggs, milk, and butter, no sweet stuff for me for breakfast.
  4. I am a huge Sailor Moon fan and have been since I was little.
  5. My favorite froyo flavor is cake batter.
  6. I have loved and played video games longer than I’ve loved Sailor Moon.
  7. I would like to take a family vacation to Disney World.
  8. I have a growing muppet collection.
  9. I have a really hard time focusing.
  10. My ex boyfriend and one of my best friends uses my Netflix account more than I do.
  11. I’d like to write a book before I croak.

 

Here are the questions I’m required to answer:

  1. Why did you decide to start blogging? I used to blog when I was 13, stopped for many years and hand-journaled, and then when I discovered WordPress thought I’d give a blog a chance again.
  2. What is your biggest dream in life? I’d like to live a low-stress, enjoyable life.
  3. If you could have dinner with one person living or dead, who would it be and why? I have a huge girl-crush on Jennifer Lawrence and would love to have dinner with her.
  4. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I’d like to be back together with Chris in a happy relationship.
  5. Have you ever fired a gun? No, I don’t think with recordable mental illness you’re aloud to either…but I could be wrong.
  6. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? I’d shed a few IQ points if it’d lose me the weight I want to lose.
  7. What is your favorite joke? I used to have a favorite joke…but I can’t remember what it is. I like bad puns and memes.
  8. What is the worst present you have ever received? Oh man nothing’s been so bad that it sticks out, but I really don’t like getting bath sets from people. ZzZzZ.
  9. What is your worst fear? Well since I already lost the love of my life, I’d say the next scariest thing would be to lose a parent before their time.
  10.  Is there anything about the opposite sex you just don’t understand or comprehend? Yeah, why won’t they all do what I want them to?
  11. Do you want to build a snowman??? Okay 🙂

 

These are my 10 nominations for the Liebster Award (in no particular order), you’re all wonderful bloggers. Even if I don’t often ‘comment’ on your posts, I am right behind you reading them. Fully aware that sounds very creepy. 🙂

http://picnicwithants.wordpress.com/

http://youshouldseemyscars.wordpress.com/

http://despairtodeliverance.com/

http://sheridegrom.com/

http://marieolivia.wordpress.com/

http://my20somethingsadventures.wordpress.com/

http://thewinewankers.com.au/

http://inavukic.com/

http://ocdjm.com/

http://monochromejunkie.com/

 

My 11 questions for my nominees are:

  1. What is your favorite animated series or film?
  2. What would your “Keep Calm And” poster say?
  3. Do you collect anything?
  4. What colors would you want your wedding to be/what colors themed your wedding?
  5. What color is your bedroom?
  6. Do you prefer showers or baths?
  7. What is your favorite breakfast food?
  8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?
  9. Your ideal pizza?
  10. What’s your favorite way to eat potatoes?
  11. Favorite youtube video?

It doesn’t have to be a snowman…

Welp, I messaged Chris on facebook, asking him how his day was because how more neutrally can you strike up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in months? Aaaaannnnd he asked if it was a good idea for us to be communicating. So I said ‘Who knows. Guess we won’t tonight.” And that’s that. Serious sadness. Farewell to that relationship probably forever considering that response. His loss, right?

The equivalent of going up to the door as Ana from Frozen and asking, “Do you want to build a snowman?” “Okay, bye…” (By the way, that song, completely made me want to cry. It’s a prime example of why I hate children/family movies, they squeeze your emotions out VERY well). To make matters worse, when I was watching the movie with Izzy and the kids last week I couldn’t help but remember when Chris and I saw Tangled and we were shocked and pleasantly surprised, one of the few people in the really old, small theater with uncomfortable chairs…I really cherish that memory. Makes my eyes watery recalling it every time the way things are now.

If that thought weighed my head down, what turns my frown around is that it turns out that test that I was so unsure of and then ended up finishing first and feeling good about last week, I got a 49/50 on. What a great feeling in the midst of feeling anxious and depressed as EFF.

Tuesday is now over so three more official days with the dogs. My sleep schedule has gone completely to hell. Bedtime has been around 8-9am while watching mind numbing TV. My Seroquel used to put me out light a light within an hour or two the longest and now it doesn’t do a thing for me. I’ve got so much anxiety balled up about calling the doctor though that it’s fueling the fire inside. The vicious icy blue fire that freezes and I have a hard time controlling. (Like Elsa! I guess maybe I should re-name this post, ‘Let it Go’ considering all the messages so far).

I never even fished watching Frozen yet. The kids were awful last week and I turned the movie off. Just a sample of my depressed persons world is having my heart sink the first quarter of that movie with all the depressing stuff that happens (which is, to be expected, typical Disney recipe for plot building). I think the worst part is that entire growing up, “Do you want to build a snowman?” song that I referenced a couple paragraphs ago. Izzy, whose 5, kept looking over at my facial expressions and worriedly would say things like, “it’s still a good movie!”

My family called today to check on me this morning and I was in such a slump it was WORK to talk to them. I wanted to spend the time on the phone but when they were asking me how I was feeling it wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear. Depressed, tired, my chest and stomach hurt (“probably stress” – mom) and I just don’t ‘feel good’. My dad helped me out a LOT with the assignment I needed to turn in today which I REALLY appreciate. I’ve been more connected with the family emotionally since adult day hospital began, one of the good things that came of it. I just hate letting them down, I’m more honest with them about how I’m feeling than I am with my close friends and I like to think I’m pretty honest about how I’m feeling, perhaps I just tend to be in my rawest form when I tell my family I’m emotionally not feeling well, and they can pick up on it whether or not I say anything.

“Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It’s like you’ve gone away-
We used to be best buddies
And now we’re not
I wish you would tell me why!-
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman…”

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You’re Grounded!

Environment affects anxiety and though I’m away from home where everyone’s anxiety is always out in the open and fighting for space in the air, I’m at Lane’s dog sitting for a WEEK. I packed my bags and waddled into the apartment after I miraculously found a parking spot and I’ve yet to leave my spot until I darn near have to. Along in my bag snuck my anxiety, padded between my clean clothes. It’s unpacked itself since, and has taken full advantage of not having to compete with other anxieties in the house for space. It’s taken it all!

20140329_152440While I’ve been alone with my thoughts, I’ve learned that my anxiety is really LOUD lately, like a 14 year old with a lot of attitude. “Oh you’re going to totally blow this social psych assignment.” “Chris is totally done and over even the THOUGHT of you. When he comes home he’s not going to want anything to do with you and your relationship will never be the same, loser.” “You’re starting to isolate again, you should get out of it but umm yeah let’s make sure you can’t focus on anything so you can’t have a conversation and in turn not want to have one.” Thoughts GONE WILD!

20140327_214725_8_bestshotSpeaking of things going wild, I’ve been alternating MTV and forensic documentaries depending on the time of day and what’s on. I’m likely to break the habit as soon as I leave here, but there’s not much to do aside from homework, sleep and TV here. I told my friend David I liked the WWE finally thanks to watching a show called, “Total Divas” which was about all these WWE wrestling girls. He’s a big fan of the WWE and I’ve always groaned and rolled my eyes at it. Now we can both share a laugh. Danny Brown has also made his way to MTV. I think of Chris because we were big fans at one point, even saw him at a festival once. Of course, he never got back to my last text.

I’m trying to watch my breathing. Every time I catch the anxiety balling up in the pit of my stomach and my thoughts racing I look around. There’s this coping mechanism you’re supposed to use where you look at 5 things, hear 4 things, smell 3 things, touch 2 things and taste one thing. I usually use this as a loose guideline. “Let me think about where I am in the here and now. I’m in Lane’s living room, I’m on the couch, the couch is big and comfy, it smells like…dogs, I’m touching my tongue to the inside of my cheek and I have the lingering taste of Dr. Pepper in my mouth…okay breathe…” It’s usually something like that. I’m not a pro at grounding but I’m surely doing my work.

One last thing that’s a little amusing is that on Lane’s bookshelf he’s got the Karma Sutra 4 or 5 books away from a book titled Codependance. A-ma-zing.

 

 

 

Follow Up To Hartbreak Harbor

It’s been a long night. After I concealed the puffy circles under my eyes I went in to take my test and I knew EVERY ANSWER (except for maybe 2, but out of 50 that’s not bad). I was the first one to finish which had me both confident but a little apprehensive.

when-im-the-first-one-done-on-a-test_o_2314341On the way home I listened to loud music. I found some old CD’s Chris and I bought together from a record store and put in the one with the best beats that made my car sound like I had a system. I was relishing in my adrenaline from the test. Then I started to wear out by the time I got home 50 minutes later from school.

Then after a couple hours of worrying I did something really big. I broke it to my folks that I won’t be graduating this Spring because the teacher gave my presentation a 0 and wouldn’t accept a doctors note and the Dean sided with her decision. I bawled my eyes out and unlike the response I was expecting, both parents (one which I had waken from bed) said to do better next time and it’s alright and they still love me (after minutes of me wailing that I was sorry I was sick and a failure and I’m sorry they didn’t have a better child). Eventually I calmed down, and felt 10,000 times better that I finally got it in the open. I even applied for a job as a DSP (Direct Service Professional) in the Chicagoland area and we’ll see if I get a call back for that. In the meantime I’m going to put all my effort into getting A’s in my other two classes.

As I was laying in bed I remembered something that happened back when I was finishing up the crying session in the car. I was looking for a pen to take my test with and shuffling through my purse for about a minute when I pulled out a child’s tea set spoon, lavender to be exact. It came rushing back to me that Izzy, the 5 year old I take care of, gave it to me last time I saw her (a week ag0). She had originally wanted me to keep a teacup but I told her she might need that so she insisted on a spoon which I told her I would keep with me all the time and, I have. It reminded me how much I’m loved, and after such a rough day was the kind of sweet thing I needed to savor.

I have plans to see one of my best friends on Saturday for breakfast and maybe a walk in the forest preserve, weather permitting. As long as we don’t get brutally murdered on our walk I have dogsitting coming back up and 2 papers due next Tuesday.

Heartache harbor

I’m on my phone swyping this post away because I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s the first day since before day hospital started that I felt this physically ill from heartache. I’ve been out of control depressed all day and night and my heart? I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. What else could have me feeling so poisoned?

Can’t afford a therapist because of insurance? Get ready to go downhill! That’s just about how it feels right now, and even if I got some super cheap therapist I’d probably be getting what I’d be paying for. My relationship with Michael was so strong knowing it’s virtually dead because of insurance is just as harsh as my feelings about Chris.

Just kidding. Those are worse. He’s due back in Chicago this month and we haven’t spoken for a month. He infiltrates all of my dreams and makes them horrible.

I have all this self hate today graduated to crying in the school parking lot avoiding looking up. I pretty much ate back all the weight I lost last month from stress about Chris coming back and ironically it makes me hate myself more because I wanted to be thin and flawless and woo him back superficially.

If he missed the actual me he’d have reached out by now. There’s no going back. It’s been a while since I wished I was dead but I have such a bleak outlet of the future it’s really astonishing.

Now I have about 30 minutes to force myself to stop crying, walk into class looking like I WASN’T just bawling my eye out, and do mediocre on this test because I am just not mentally tuned in to the test taking channel.