Being an Adult

For the past month I’ve been looking for a grown up job. I’ve been through retail, been a cashier at a pool, a lunch lady, and a dog sitter and nanny. As I’ve grown I’ve realized I love taking care of kids, and though I want to help those of us who suffer from mental illness, maybe I should have gone into education. It’s a thought that’s hard to face. Have I been wasting time and money? What is my true calling? Who am I supposed to be? You know, grown up questions.

I’m wrestling a migraine at the cop dogs house pet sitting. It was a dry month for pet sitting. I recently had an interview at a group home which went really well, in fact they want me to come in for a third interview, but it’s not the job for me. Why? There’s no way I can deal with the stressful responsibility of driving a bus of disabled people to places I’m not familiar with as one of my job duties.

So I keep looking for jobs. I can’t wait out until next spring to take my last class doing nothing. This is the age to start my career (26). I just got an opportunity to come interview for an autism school as a behavioral therapist. I feel like they’ll hire someone more experienced, but I would be proud to tell people that’s what I do if I were to be hired.

I even applied for a position as a seasonal zookeeper. With my anthropology background I feel like I have a small shot at the job. I’ve been daydreaming about preparing lunches for primates or cleaning up zebra poo after hours.

Aside from the nerve wracking job search and soul searching, I’ve been suffering emotionally without Seroquel. I’ve been off it about a month because I couldn’t afford it. Also, the dose wasn’t high enough anymore. It used to regulate my sleep, and eventually lost its effect. I’m dreading having to pay for a doctor’s visit this month, but I need to talk to her to get back on the mental health horse. I honestly feel like a zombie, and it’s put stress on my social life.

Friends, I hope you’re all doing better than I am, and I hope to report some more positive findings soon.


Sorry for the absence

I haven’t had a pain free day in coming in on 12 years this August. I never went into remission from Lyme Disease, so I get flare ups during my Post Lyme Syndrome. That’s what they call where I’m at now. Did the heavy antibiotic treatment for a couple years, did the pills and the PICC line, graduated high school a year after all my peers, and suffered from debilitating anxiety ever since. You’d never have guessed I was a budding actress with theater, film and television training. I was a different person, someone I just don’t think it’s realistic I can ever be again.

Tonight I ache enough to keep me up and kick off my writing again. On a scale of one to ten since the diagnosis graduated from Lyme to Post Lyme, my daily pain usually stays a solid four or five. On flare up nights like tonight the pain ranges full body 7 to 8.

The past week the pain has been creeping up on me. The first fear that runs through my mind is that it means I’m officially diabetic. Diabetes killed grandpa, and in recent years it’s been a budding concern. Even if I was, with the way my insurance is now I can barely afford a doctor’s visit every three or four months let alone pay for insulin. I’m already on Metformin, but that’s thankfully affordable.

Second fear is that I’m lactose intolerant, a much lesser concern. Or maybe it’s because I’m in constant contact with my phone and it’s radiation poisoning.

In the end, due to my paranoia I googled “chronic muscle pain.” You figure when you have your Lyme under control 90 percent of the time that very painful ten percent has to be because of something else, but even the article I read said this,

” Sometimes chronic┬áLyme disease can be the cause of constant body aches. With symptoms such as marked fatigue, severe headache, widespread musculoskeletal pain, tender points in characteristic locations, pain and stiffness in many joints, impairment of sensation, difficulty with concentration, memory loss, and sleep disturbances, it is remarkably similar to that of fibromyalgia and CFS.”

Back when I was diagnosed nobody talked about Lyme Disease. At least now there’s some attention drawn to it. It was a doozy to diagnose.

The paragraph made me smile sadly reminding me about why I can’t concentrate, retain memories, and have terrible sleep. How am I supposed to hit the gym in so much discomfort?

Aside from my physical difficulties I’ve been isolated emotionally dealing with some depression. Chris, whose back in the picture, and my immediate family are the only people I’ve paid much attention to the past month. The guilt of virtually ignoring everyone else is overwhelming and feeds the urge to isolate further to avoid confrontation after my absence. I even fell away from you, WordPress family, and that guilt has gotten me too.

But hey, life really isn’t that bad. I could be a lot worse off. Just have to take it a minute at a time, and hope for the best.