Can’t sleep? Torture yourself!

Facebook is funny. It reminds me how afraid I am of forgetting. I remember when Myspace was still king and only college kids could use Facebook. I was working a summer job when my friends there helped me set one up and I barely used it. Now look at me. One of my go-to time killing, brain numbing activities. Usually facespace is a ride into the past. Like how I clicked on my friends profile whose e-mail I haven’t gotten back to in a month because my brain is moosh and I was having a mixed episode (I should really get on that e-mail). I poked around on her page, saw a ghost of a name post something on one of her status’.

I’m beginning to sound like a teenage girl giving gossip about some really obscure person my best friends dog’s neighbor knew, but bear with me. As I clicked on Kevin’s page I fell into the overly emotional ocean at the end of memory lane. Good thing I’m doped up on mood stabilizers because nostalgia makes my eyes wet. Kevin’s in a field that put what he went to college for at work. He’s still good friends with Adam and his twin. Adam still does Kung Fu and apparently had Cancer. Click. Click. Click. Going through the rounds of all the faces and names I remember and for the sake of never wanting to forget anything have to write down, if not just the names. (Without access to a journal at those times I cringe).

That was the old ‘crew’ from my early college days when I would visit my then boyfriend at his school. It was an hour away from home and a beautiful trip on a long strip of highway with no lights. I’d listen to Jimmy Eat World at 3am with the windows down, trying to stay awake and contemplate my future and struggles. That was the time of parties and booze and dying my hair fire engine red. I wasn’t that anxious in those early days, that was before my diagnosis. Being manic at a college party and crashing at your boyfriends apartment is fun as hell, let me tell you. It wasn’t all fun and games, but it was a chapter of my life I don’t want to forget. (Mind you for a good while I did.) I feel like things then, and really at any other time in my past were more eventful than they are now. Even being agoraphobic in my friend’s basement for the good part of a year was more memorable than the here and now. That early college chapter set footing for another and one after that and now Jimmy’s married and in the army and I’m here…wherever, “here” is.


10 thoughts on “Can’t sleep? Torture yourself!

  1. Oh Barbie… this is one reason I got off FB while struggling… I am too honest to be “fake” and I can’t stand to see everyone posting only the good stuff – everyone seems to be having an awesome party that I’m never invited to. Reality is… they have crap they deal with too… they just don’t post it as readily I have as of late and my friends and family encouraged me to deactivate. No one will miss me on FB.

    Does that they won’t miss me in real life? Maybe. I’m not sure.

    Totally get it though – what a way to torture yourself and get sucked into the zombie-like world that is Facebook, the world where “I’m never good enough.” and “No one loves me.”

      • It’s kind of relieving to know that so many people have realized it’s so toxic and have taken the healthy split away from it. It makes it less like ‘I’m crazy because I must be the only one doing this’.

    • “No one will miss me on FB” is likely untrue, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I would miss you, personally, but whatever YOU feel is best for YOU is for sure what you should do as long as it’s healthy, and I don’t see quitting FB as an unhealthy thing. I’m feeling better now, just had a weak night, and if nothing else I can just log on to see if anyone messaged me and then log back off for now at least.

  2. I also suffer from nostalgia, halcyon and would’ve-could’ve-should’ves. This torture has resulted in me deactivating my Facebook and Twitter accounts. I feel like I may be exacerbating my isolation, and perhaps alienating myself further, but I have to admit that it has come as somewhat of a relief. I was wandering through a subconscious wilderness of social success top trumps. I always seemed to be going out of this inadvertent competition at the first flip, though now I am ignoring it. I refuse to play. Those serendipitous avatars are all now living in my Limbo. I’m not sure how this enforced ignorance will play out, however I really felt I needed to remove myself from it. I’m of the thinking that I’m letting a wound heal, rather than letting it fester. Who knows if I’m right? I hope all works out well for everyone.

    • In therapy ‘would have’s’ and ‘should have’s’ are totally banned. It surely is isolation in some respect but if it’s relieving that’s what’s important because afterall, we didn’t always have social media, and who knows what will happen in the future. It has it’s pro’s and con’s anyway. I hope everything works out well for everyone too, and I hope it’s only been helping YOU as you’ve made the leap (before I have, if I can/do).

  3. I don’t have Facebook anymore because of what happened with the “Corporate Bartender.” I said on Twitter that I would consider it a victory if I never go back to the site.

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