Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

My dad was vacuuming the stairs when I told him I wanted to switch majors from marketing to psychology. He made a joke of it at the time and I felt miserable. Now I wonder of its the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life.

This isn’t the first night I’ve lost sleep over how long it’s taken me to finish my undergraduate degree, but it is the first which I’ve posed that particular thought. I spent the past five-ish years just destroying my life, not doing well in school because of ADHD or Bipolar episodes or that HORRIBLE year long agoraphobiaΒ which kicked it all off. I basked in hiding and avoiding and got really good at it. When it came out that I completely SCREWED myself no one was happy, but I was forgiven by my immediate family (The extended family is still wondering wtf my problem is). Watching my GPA fall for no good goddamn reason other than I’m a complete mentally ill screw-up (Chris likes to point out how bad I am at life which doesn’t help my self-hatred) the past few years has been heartbreaking.

I just worked up the courage to do something I’ve been avoiding for nearly a year: e-mailing my school councilor in the department to see if I can make an appointment and see what I have left to graduate. I did it a couple times over a year ago and then ended up getting too terrified to go to those appointments. I’m PRETTY SURE it’s just the Capstone project and the senior lab class…but they both give me insane anxiety. Firstly, I wasn’t properly trained for the SPSS program that gets used in the lab class and I’m terrified it’ll screw me over and secondly I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do for my Capstone. I looked into what classes I would need to finish my undergrad in Anthropology (my minor) or Marketing, but I seem to have several classes left to complete for either. Shit, I was amazing at History in community college, I should have gone into that. I wouldn’t have a Capstone to complete in any of those fields. This fucking Capstone is eating at my insides. Just the IDEA of it has been haunting me the past couple years.

I spent this semester off looking for a job. Well, I’m still unemployed. I have a phone interview coming up for a position as a Behavioral Therapist at an entry level which is INSANELY AWESOME but I’m so run down from being shot down from all the jobs I’ve had interviews with that I feel like there’s no reason to get my hopes up. It won’t stop me from doing my best to get the job though. Being a therapist for autistic children or troubled youth has been something I’ve felt would be rewarding and I’ve been trying to get into. I figured with my degree I’d work my way into being a high school psychologist.

I think maybe I should be able to sleep now getting all that out. All I want to do is win the lottery and never have to think about all this pressure to graduate and make a legitimate living for myself as soon as possible. Some days it feels like I just want to be dead so I don’t have those problems, but I’ve learned that I really don’t want to die, so by default I’m screwed…


20 thoughts on “Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

  1. I know the feeling that life would be better if you weren’t here to live it. It’s terrible. Especially when you realise that you don’t actually want to die. When those thoughts become really strong, I remind myself that life won’t really be better, because it won’t be life.

    You’re so strong fighting what you’re fighting. Keep going, and trust that some day things are going to make a huge turnaround. Follow what you believe is right for you, no one else. I wish I could 100% believe and follow my own advice, but just know that there are people rooting for you, even if it’s just a stranger on the internet.

    Lots of hugs and stuff x

    • “I wish I could 100% believe my own advice.” Oh, how I know what it feels like to say that or write it. It really does feel empowering to know that people are rooting for me. I’m rooting for a lot of them too. Us strangers on the internet need to stick together. Since that post I’ve done a lot of thinking of the life I’d LIKE to have, and the things I can obtain with or without the struggles alongside. Thanks for saying what you did. I’ll be popping on to check in on YOU shortly πŸ™‚

      • Aww thank you, your comment made be smile. I think in some ways, the internet can make us feel more lonely, but on the other hand, finding like minded people who understand your struggles and support you through them can really make you realise you’re not so alone πŸ™‚

  2. You’re pretty lucky, your immediate family understands. Only my mom did, the rest just don’t get me…and the extended family…excuse me but …fuck em. Do not spend your time around people who do not support you. Having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed of and it does not make you a failure or a basket case. If you had gotten sick from some illness or in a car accident and had a long recovery you wouldn’t be beating yourself up and thinking…oh I am such a looser, I should have been able to get over this disease sooner so that I could finish school with a better GPA. NO! But since it is a disease that affected your mental status you are beating yourself up. YOU HAD NO CONTROL OVER IT!
    If you got cancer you would have had no control over it! Same thing!! Period. Think about it. You have a disease. You didn’t choose it. Be kinder to yourself. And surround yourself with people who are kind to you. Okay? It’s hard, I know…I’ve lived it. Don’t wait as long as it took me to learn this. Be happier sooner. Love life. It really is worth it.

    Now for school. I’m confused. You don’t have an undergraduate degree, right? But the Capstone is to get a Master’s correct? You must be close to getting a lot of different degrees from what it sounds like. I was too, but ran out of financial aid. My bipolar was at it’s highest in college too. Well was diagnosed in college….long story. I started as a math major……ended up with an art degree, with a minor in elementary ed and a collateral in psychology.
    I really wanted to go and get my MFA. or I wanted to get my doctorate in Art Therapy…but it didn’t happen. My mom died, no moral support, no money, and a big mess with my treatment. So life didn’t turn out how I planned, so I changed my plans. It’s OK. I love my life…more importantly I love me.
    Yes, this is important, but your life will continue. You will find a way. Things will happen, keep pushing forward, but live more in this moment and don’t fret so much about the future. It will happen no matter what. make your plans, if things happen to change them, change with them.
    you will be alright. You have been though hell and come out the other side. you really don’t want to die, so by default, you have a life to live….remember…”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”
    George Bernard Shaw

    • HAHA, there needs to be no ‘excuse me’ from you while saying ‘fuck em’ to my extended family. In fact unless it’s something particularly edgy I don’t think you ever need to excuse yourself while writing to me πŸ˜‰ It makes me smile just to read that. In fact I called my grandmother yesterday to say hello (I’m really obsessed the past few years with keeping in touch with my extended family when I’m not feeling so shitty so that they know I’m not a deadbeat niece/cousin/grand daughter and if nothing else it makes ME feel better) and she had plenty to say about how I should just find myself a shit job (not in those exact words) and get moving on getting this school thing taken care of etc. Lots to ‘politely ignore’ and try not to feel shitty over later.

      YOU’RE SO RIGHT THOUGH! I DID have a physical illness for YEARS which held me back from where I ‘should have been’ in life, and there was some actual sympathy there from family because they could SEE me going through it. God I hate how anything mental is something for the ‘average’ person to roll their eyes at. I feel too, like if my extended family had a friend’s daughter or friend who had this sudden illness and explained to them what it was like they’d be all ‘oh my goodness!’ and maybe, just MAYBE feel sorry for me, or sorry that they were so ignorantly like ‘whatever.’

      Talking to you, someone who cares about me, a virtual stranger, is seriously one of those things that really does make me re-think that life isn’t that bad. There are good people in my life, and that makes me happy, but scared to lose you/them/anyone who I get close to, especially the way I isolate. But honestly, feeling cared about makes me love life a lot more.

      I’m a class away from my BA. This ‘capstone’ is part of the program to get the BA which is stupid because I’m 99 percent sure it’s the ONLY DEPARTMENT IN THE UNIVERSITY that has this project to complete. You were a MATH MAJOR? My god, LOL! As soon as I was finished with my math requirements I had a personal celebration that’s lasted to this day! HAHA! It’s just not my thing. What you ended up with for degrees sounds amazing though. And you ARE amazing, so it’s suiting for you.

      I’m so happy to hear how positive you are all the time. And that you realized you can change plans. I mean we have to when things happen, and though you didn’t get your doctorate in Art Therapy…even if you wanted to there’s honestly still time. No matter what you do I just know whoever you meet you’ll be making a difference in their lives, and there’s no need for a degree to do that. You have a good heart.

      I seem to be changing with MY plans everyday. I’m trying really hard to go with ‘the flow’ as it all happens, and I know deep down it’ll be alright, it’s just so scary in the moment when it all changes for ‘the worse’ or seems to, and you feel absolutely helpless.

      I love GBS, just by the way. πŸ™‚

      Thanks Wendy xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  3. Keep writing this blog it may help you focus and is a way of relieving any frustrations. Do what you want and although it’s easy to say don’t let others make you feel worse they are not worth it. Keep the positive people in your life.

    • Honestly this is the BEST outlet for me. I’m proud of myself for keeping up with it. I do try to keep the positive people in my life, but then again I also have a bad habit of remembering the positive parts of people who are negative too and therefore feel sad if I were to lose them. Thank you so much for the feedback.

  4. I also have ADHD, so I get it. I wish you the best with the job. Hopefully, you will get it and I think that would make you very happy, as you talked about always wanting to work with autistic children or troubled youth. It would be very rewarding for you, I think. Don’t ever feel ashamed of your mental illnesses, it’s no different than having a problem with any other part of your body. If you had, say a heart problem, you wouldn’t feel ashamed. It’s just the stigma that’s attached to mental illness. I do not have Bipolar or OCD, but I do suffer from major depressive disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and anxiety. I’m not ashamed o any of it and on my blog I write freely about whatever it is that’s bothering me, etc. I, also, suffer from several invisible chronic illnesses, of which none are curable, so my emotions are all over the place. Being physically and mentally ill really sucks, but it’s my life and some days I deal with it better than some days. I share it all because I’m trying to educate, as well as inspire other’s when I write. People need to understand that we have no control over having these problems in our brains, just as any other body part. I really don’t understand why people don’t get it. You don’t need to really worry about what other’s think, anyway. You do what makes you happy. I wish you the best on your journey. Take care. xxxxx

  5. That’s okay because it just wasn’t meant to be. There are other jobs out there, and you’ll eventually find the one that is meant to be. I believe everything happens for a reason. Just look at it as you were practicing your interviewing skills. I really suck at interviews, but every job I’ve ever had, before I got sick, I was always told what a great job I was doing. It was always just getting past the interview, for me. My last job that I had for 7 years, I didn’t have to go through all that interviewing crap. I knew someone that had the job and wanted to quit and she told them she knew someone that was interested. They told her to tell me to just come on in and talk to them, but there was only talking about the job and what it entailed. Thank God. I miss working so much. I get so pissed off when people say how lucky I am that I don’t have to go to work. I loved my job and all the people I worked with. I would do anything to heal my body of all these diseases and be able to return to work, somewhere, anywhere. Disability sucks. For the whole month, I get what I could make in one week, working. Anyway, keep at it. You’ll find and get the job that you are searching for. Good luck. I wish only the best for you. πŸ™‚

      • People are such idiots and the next person that tells me how lucky I am to not have to get up and go to work every day is probably going to get punched in the face. I am not a violent person, but I am so sick of people saying that crap. The last person that said that to me got an ear full. I told them that I would gladly give them all 30 of my diagnoses, feeding tube and all, they could lay in my tempurpedic bed all day, because it’s just such a blast, and I’ll gladly get up every morning and happily go to work and be around people and make enough money to get by on, because you know these disability checks are so gigantic. so much money I don’t know what to do with it. LOL It’s not even enough to pay my mortgage, let alone anything else. Just livin’ the American dream, isn’t it great. LOL πŸ™‚ How’s the job hunt going? Any luck yet? Don’t just settle for anything, you keep looking til you find a job that you’ll enjoy going to every day. Yes, I’m bossy. You’re probably thinking who does she think she is, telling me what to do. LOL Take care. πŸ™‚

      • Fingers double crossed, toes too. Sorry, I haven’t been on for awhile. Just too sad since the death of my brother, but very happy for you with this good news. I hope you can send me a reply telling me that you got the job. Let me know, girl! πŸ™‚

      • I totally understand. When I’m sad generally speaking I’m isolated, let alone the death of a loved one or something equally as traumatic…or maybe I’m the other way around to cope. It flip flops depending on the event I feel. But…I got it πŸ™‚

  6. YAY! Good job, girl. I am so very happy for you. Have you already started, and if so, how are you liking it so far? I wish you nothing but the best. You go girl! I knew you would get the job because it seems like every time we doubt ourselves, that’s when things go right and the other way around. Know what I mean?

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