I’m a Rapid Cycler, You know, just FYI

It’s 5:43am CST and I’m watching a crappy horror movie in which a dead guy is playing basketball with his severed head. My behavior tonight led me to wonder if I was having a manic episode, and I am! See if you agree with me:

Once I got the inkling that I was I did some bullet points. Racing thoughts, irritation/agitation, unwise financial choices, decreased need for sleep, easily distracted, increased need to accomplish a million goals, increased libido and blurt out stupid crap and talk really fast from topic to topic which has nothing to do with anything…Thinking back now I’m glad I can go back and tell Chris that it was just me being manic and I’m not actually diminishing in intelligence. There were a few little spurts there in the car with him in which I almost felt like my mouth was out of control and I was really embarrassed after.

This is the longest episode I’ve had this year. It’s been almost a month of this crap. While I was laying in bed thinking about how I had about two hours before I needed to get up and shower and I realized I have way more energy than I should have. I figured the sleep problems might be hormones. In fact I pretty much brushed off everything except the excessive spending on hormones. My schedule gets off pretty often, but the extra energy was the tip off. I’m guessing stress was the trigger.

So…if I have energy and spare time before my day begins why just lay in bed? So I got up and moved some heavy furniture by myself. I still have one more piece to move but I’d probably make too much noise if I did it at this hour. I’ve been in an obsessive pre-decorating for Christmas zone. All the furniture moving is to make room for the tree.

I feel like I disassociate a little with my feelings over admitting I’m having a manic episode. I do it every time too. I feel a little anger too, because in my opinion ‘ordinary’ people think mania is something different than it is, maybe even something more dangerous than it can be. And don’t get me wrong, mania can get dangerous, but I’m not going to hurt you or your kids or your dog. I feel like people think that.

For anyone wondering, my interview went well, at least I think so. It was about a 40 minute endeavor in which benefits were explained to me and I got a tour of the facility. Training is three months so as nervous as I am about learning my job well enough to do it myself I feel more confident knowing it would be a consistent thing to get used to over an extended period of time. I’ll likely find out Monday my friend and I are thinking, if I’ve nabbed the job. The interviewer said she wanted to call my references and then call me back.

At least for the moment, I don’t mind being in manic-mode. Nothing horrific has come from it thus far, and I’m getting plenty done. Before I plummet into the impending depression that will likely follow, I’d like to get a whole bunch more stuff done. I love that “accomplished” feeling.

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Here’s to Hope

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October 26, 2014: Barbie, it’s been a week you should write your next blog post. -My Mind

November 2, 2014: Barbie, this is your OCD speaking, I’m about to smother you with obsessive thoughts if you don’t write, you’re overdue. -My Mind

November 3, 2014: Barbie, I’m going to overload your stomach area with anxiety that will make you so full you won’t be able to move if you don’t blog right now. -My Mind

November 5, 2014, you’re going to lose all your followers and fall into an abyss of depression if you don’t blog. -My Mind

November 7, 2014: Barbie, you have anxiety about blogging? You have no job and plenty of free time? Your life is so hard. -My Mind

November 8, 2014: Barbie, I’m just trying to help motivate you here. -My Mind

That’s pretty much how it goes after a week of not being on top of my blogging. It’s part of my routine, so if I eff it up I punish myself. It’s not like I’m shy on material either. Right now I even have good news for once. I have a shot at a job as a Developmental Trainer working with the developmentally handicapped.

Duties include:

  • Lead group/individual activities to maximize active programming
  • Communicate client needs to appropriate contact person
  • Monitor and supervise clients throughout the day
  • Assist with client morning routines and door monitoring as assigned
  • Provide intervention for client maladaptive behaviors as trained and assigned
  • Assist clients with Activities of Daily Living
  • Facilitate core groups and assist with choice groups

The thing is, I haven’t heard back from the HR lady yet for a phone screening or interview. My friend from school said they need to fill this position ASAP (this was last Wednesday). I immediately sent my resume and because it’s a full-time M-F job I had to tell the mother of the kids I nanny for that if I get this job, I won’t be able to sit on Thursdays anymore. This was both devastating for me and her. She knew in January my class was starting and I wouldn’t be able to sit anymore, but this was much more abrupt. That’s how serious I am about getting this job, so much so that I’m not threatening my ability to get the job by trying to negotiate a “can’t work on Thursday’s” schedule. I know that wouldn’t be possible, and this is a job in my field. That’s a big deal.

On Thursday my friend said she hadn’t seen the HR lady around but she’d send an e-mail or leave a message with the secretary. I felt so glad to hear that. Also, after I was done putting the kids to bed on Thursday night the dad came home and told me he’s crossing my fingers I get this job and that they’ll figure it out. This isn’t my career after all. It lifted so much weight off of my shoulders. I’m already feeling anxiety and jealousy about another babysitter coming in to replace me. I did say I would visit weekly to see the kids, I just don’t want them loving this person the way they love me because I’m selfish and scared and need the love of the three little kids I’ve raised for nearly 4 years like my own. Before I’m harshly criticized, I do know that this is just an immediate feeling I need to get off my back and that I’m sure I’ll come around as I see things aren’t as bad as I thought they would be.

Friday came and went without word from the HR lady. Saturday I got a message from my friend asking if I’d heard anything from her. When I said no she replied with, “I’ll figure it out.” The support in her trying to get me into this job is just incredible. I’m holding my breath over the weekend and hoping Monday I’ll hear from this woman. I’m hoping then this week I’ll have an interview, and that by next week I’ll have a job (even if I don’t start for a week or two). That’d be ideal, but we’ll see. I’ve gotten my hopes up over jobs before this year and my dreams have crashed and burned, but this is honestly the best one to come along and the one I’m desperate to reel in.

Maybe some of my depression will lift after I start working, and though I’m AWFUL with change in both my routine and generally in life (it’s so upsetting it physically hurts) I know that once I start a new routine I’ll be feeling more confident. Working part-time was always stressful because my routine would be a two-parter. Not working life and then working life and the transitions the days coming before work would give me mounds of anxiety that would manifest physically and ruin my free time.

I would say lately as far as general mental health goes, I’ve been having some problems managing my OCD, but been pretty stable with my Bipolar Disorder. Thank god. I think that one’s a little worse to deal with. I do still need to schedule an appointment with a new psychiatrist and soon. 

Remember the dog I was taking care of for a long time until I had a falling out with the owner last winter? Well he passed away last week. I wrote out a sympathy card with some serious sentinses…I hope that I can talk myself into putting it into her mailbox very quietly tomorrow sometime.

Maybe now that this is out of my system I can experience some relief.