Anxiety Baby and the Ballet

My worry is dancing the ballet with intrusive thoughts that are louder than any orchestra and my anxiety adds an auditoriums worth of applause to the performance. I happen to be front row center for all this and this room in my mind was built by the ancient chemical architects to prevent escape. FUH!

To further the visualizations, my anxiety is like a third term baby whose ready to get the hell out of there. My anxiety IS primarily stationed in my stomach after all and like a baby would kick, my anxiety will give me a few seconds, minutes or maybe hours if I’m distracted and then BAM! Unfortunately, the ‘anxiety baby’ is ruthless and not cute at all.

I’m SO bothered by all these obsessive and intrusive thoughts and associated feelings that I’m ready to sit down and do cognitive behavioral therapy thought logs and LORD KNOWS those are time and energy-consuming. I feel like I’ve run an emotional marathon every time I complete one. It’s not that I wouldn’t recommend them especially to my patients one day when I have my own practice. I think CBT is awesome and so is group and individual therapy, but with CBT, it’s a lot easier to work with a professional on your side than being alone on the other end of the finish line. At the end of the day the superobjective is not to need validation from someone else, but it sure helps especially when you’re in an emotional construction zone.

I’m even so disturbed by the obsessive thoughts this past week and a half that I’m thinking I may need to up my Luvox dosage. Of course, that would require me a psychiatrist. I’m coming to accept there is NO ONE I would not be able to see without taking time off for work for and that’s not even an option. There is a non-profit organization in my city my doctor told me about he wants me to get on the waiting list for, I’ll have to wait until Monday to make a call, and I dread that sort of thing, even though it NEEDS to be done.

Kind of a funny off-note…I got a text from someone I dogsit for and I was so disturbed by having to reply and be a reasonable human being that I inwardly said, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!” and then mumbled under my breath and got it over with. GOD, social interactions. DUMB.

Going back to what I was saying, I took Thursday and Friday off unpaid for being sick as all hell and attendance is a HUGE deal at the organization I work for. My doctor wrote me a note when I saw him (and he gave me antibiotics to hopefully kill off all this crap inside of me) that said I should stay home until Wednesday the 21st which I would LOVE to utilize, but I am feeling a LITTLE better, and I don’t want to cause problems at work. Then again, it’s like I can’t enjoy my rest time now because I’m anxious about having to get back to work. And I honestly like my job, even though I may not like all my co-workers’ attitudes…but those first few hours of being awake every day particularly when I’m sick and up early are hell on earth and just thinking about them makes me want to throw up all over (which, I did this morning!).

The other intrusive thoughts are so aggravating that I’m going to let them bathe in the sludge of paranoia and worry and anxiety in my stomach right now and not address them. F them. F obsessive compulsive disorder. F unnecessary guilt and F Sundays. I e-mailed one of the supervisors and send her the letter from the doctor and asked her opinion as to how dire it is they’ll need me Monday or if I can stay home at least one or two more days. Rest has been helping me SO MUCH. I run myself ragged now that I’m working and school has started. I’m already immune compromised to begin with, and I was so sick last week I was thinking maybe I should quit my job because obviously I can’t avoid this constant sickness…I’m just frustrated though I think.

I’ve done all I can do to keep calm this weekend. I’ve played casual games on my tablet and computer, I’ve slept as much as I can, I’ve taken all my medicines on time and practiced deep breathing. I’ve journaled mundane daily events and completed my homework so well it’ll sparkle to whoever reads it. I’m proud of those things. I just hope I can get through today without having ‘anxiety baby’ aerobics every few minutes/hours.

On another off-note before we finish up here, my university lab group is going to do our study on perceptions of OCD. My individualized section will be focused on intrusive thoughts, something people don’t normally consider nor understand in a general populace. Or maybe they do know! We’ll find out who knows what when we run our experiment.



KABOOM! The Stress Explosion

Regardless of how ordinary stressors might seem, when they pile up they start to shake my foundation and today was a perfect example of how devastating that can be for me. Everything from unexpected expenses that call for immediate attention to owning up to things I’ve been procrastinating about because they’re stressful and fearing for dear life the task of my very last class and Capstone project torpedoing at me beginning Tuesday set me off today. The worst of it was in the morning when I found out about the money part of it all, it just tipped me over the edge. I was screaming and swearing which led to crying which led to guilt which led to depression and further frustration.

On another note that kind of brought me down, there’s a resident who lives at the foundation I work for who has Cerebral Palsy and mild mental retardation. He’s pretty sharp though, and even J, who trained me and has known him for 15 years thinks he may not even have an intellectual disability…but to the point…he communicates mostly with an iPad, and I learned that since he started doing that it really was a positive experience that he could e-mail people even if it’s still a little hard to understand (he also uses programs when you’re one on one with him to converse). So, I gave him my e-mail on Friday and he was visibly excited about it. I was expecting an e-mail by the time I got home…okay maybe by bedtime…sometime Saturday? Nothing. I was really excited about it honestly, but ended up having that ‘stood up’ feeling which has lingered and feels really crappy. It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but it’s a relatable feeling. I have no hard feelings at the end of the day, and I’ll see him Monday and ask why I didn’t get an e-mail!

I’ve decided this weekend to do some self-care. Clean up what needs cleaning and check it off making a list of accomplishments. Cleaning sucks sometimes, but it’s soothing for me, and it’s good for the soul to be in an orderly environment. Unfortunately having two sisters with obsessive compulsive disorder can really rock the boat when it comes to opinions of what belongs where. AKA my younger sister thinks it’s perfectly fine to have a shoebox sitting in the living room for no reason cluttering my zen space and because my mother babies her, that’s perfectly fine. Meanwhile, my blood is just BOILING. Anyways, thinking I’ve done nothing really brings me down and makes me just want to crash in bed which will further the whole ‘doing nothing’ thing. I’ve been playing games on my tablet, which counts for the “I want to play some games” bullet point on the weekend list. Lastly I want to start-up a new notebook (the new year gives me a ‘legitimate’ excuse to start a new one with all the same sorts of lists as usual and maybe some new ones). Oh and blog. (Check).