When It’s Out of Your Hands, What Can You Do?

Decay. It’s a generally awful emotional and physically sour feeling that’s only offset by the new LED (color changing) tea candles I placed in glass holders I got from the dollar store yesterday that are illuminating my dark room. Since I started working full-time this has become a routine feeling on Sunday nights. Usually Sunday’s are when I sit down with myself and rage about the big depressing offenders in my life whether I want to think about these things or not.

Tonight’s reasons why I feel like I’m decaying are as follows:

1. Finances. Two weeks ago I slipped and sprained my spine and neck. I’m healing, though slowly, and I missed out on a week’s pay as well as gotten written up for poor attendance even though I had three doctor’s notes. You know 9/10 times a co-worker who sees something drop will not pick it up for me even if I’m wearing a back brace and knows I’m not allowed to bend? For example, a client in a walker’s hat fell to the floor. The co-teacher subbing for my regular partner saw this, and passed both of us by.

2. Work. I wish the state would make their yearly visit to check up on the facility I work at already and catch-all the sons of b’ches (TEACHERS! STAFF!) who are sitting around on their phones or leaving their assigned rooms to socialize in other rooms OR EVEN SLEEPING DURING CLASS TIMES and teach them a lesson. Also, I’d like them to see how in the lowest functioning room all of the activities are missing pieces or the pieces are all mixed up in different activities to sort which don’t belong together and the only reason those two things are occurring is because of the laziness of the staff. Even the fact that staff see marker’s are sitting there uncapped, they don’t even say anything to the capable clients to cap them OR to take matters into their own hands. When I had to sub for a half hour twice last week in that room I was so disgusted I felt like throwing a HUGE fit. But if I do? Nothing will happen. None of my concerns to my immediate supervisors/boss are addressed. If anything, I’m just set to be made to feel uncomfortable.

You know that in my three-month review I was told that because I told my co-workers we couldn’t go through a client’s bag without their permission because it was against client rights that I have to work on my communication skills with them? No ******* joke. It’s going down in my file as a mark against me. I’m SO glad to be working with “A” in the class I’m in right now. She’s like a trustworthy aunt who shares my work ethic. We’re about to lose some staff when the small group homes open and we’re starting two new male staff in the coming weeks. We had one new female staff start when I was out that week with my spinal injury and my impression of her thus far is that she’ll fit right in. That being said there is nothing positive I have to say about her. Get a job prostitution is my suggestion to more than half the staff. They already suck **** at their jobs. These are intellectually and developmentally DISABLED people that we, the staff are RESPONSIBLE for. It’s unfair.

3. General Health. Following up on the fact that my back still hurts, I also feel that centipedes under your skin hypersensitivity that only Lyme Disease can give you and I’m just straight up physically uncomfortable in my own skin. My sleep is poor and my fatigue is out of control. I’ll likely need a change of…

4. Medication. I need to call the community mental health center and get an intake appointment scheduled. I’m scared about doing it, but I need a psychiatrist I can see at only hours that they can provide. I likely need a little medication tweaking, as well as I’d like to get back on ADD meds which I could benefit from so much right now, and my thyroid may be the source of my fatigue which gives me anxiety because finding an endocrinologist I can see at convenient hours will also be difficult. Especially one that takes public aid.

5. Travel and Punctuality. It’s nearing the 10 days in which I get to dogsit and though I’m THRILLED for the little mini-vacation, I’m going to be doing a LOT of driving to and from work and the apartment, then to school, all places that aren’t very close to each other. The driving doesn’t concern me, but the “Oh god I hope I get there on time.” dread is already getting to me. The days I won’t need to travel and stalk the city streets for parking will be welcomed with open arms.

School. After finding out that my adviser was going to be leaving the university he passed me off to two candidates he felt would be able to help me get my independent study underway. One said she’d be taking a leave of absence in the fall and wouldn’t be able to help me either, the other passed me off to someone else who pretty much stopped communicating altogether and very obviously did not want any part of it. So I sent an e-mail earlier today to the original advisor, letting him know that now I’m an extra semester behind in doing the last thing I need to do so I can graduate. It’s not my job to know exactly what I’m supposed to do without any guidance. If it was, and I did know, I’d be done yesterday. I feel like ALL my confidence I had at the beginning of the semester has been pulverized, and even the anxiety I wasn’t feeling at the beginning of my lab class is catching up with me.

So yeah. By the end of every day since we’ve last spoke WordPress, I’ve pretty much felt pretty hopeless. I hope all of you guys out there are staying strong and kicking ass. I’ll catch up with you folk shortly.


13 thoughts on “When It’s Out of Your Hands, What Can You Do?

  1. Ugh…. I am so sorry. I know what it is like to work in a dysfunctional, toxic workplace. And, I know what it feels like to be stuck in a cycle where your entire world – every aspect of it – seems to be closing in and crashing on your head. The good news is…. I’ve gotten to experience some good in my life lately. And I believe that this will soon be the case for you, too. ((( ❤ )))

  2. Everyday that we put our feet on the floor and fight is a victory. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Don’t let the f#$%^@^s of depression and anxiety, or those at your work win.

    It totally sucks that work seems such a toxic environment. They seem to be there just to pass time, not to help the clients. Someone who won’t pick something up for someone who can’t is just a bad person plain and simple. It is not your fault. Maybe you need to find yourself another job. There are other low paying jobs out there where you won’t have to take abuse from ignorant people.

    You are very strong. I can see that because you keep going despite all the crap thrown at you. School will take care of itself. You need to speak with the Department chair and the Dean to determine next steps, and start the project already. If it takes longer, so be it. You will finish because you are a fighter.

    Despite all your health issues you are still productive. Maybe you can’t see it, but many with your health issues would be at home doing nothing.

    The Republicans say such bad things about Obamacare. They act like it is some great benificence the government is giving to the poor. Our health care system in this country stinks if you are sick and don’t have cash to pay. There has got to be a better way to deliver care given all the money we spend as a nation.

    I hope you feel better soon. I hope you continue to fight with school and make them help you finish. I also hope that you find a job soon where at a minimum you don’t have to feel like a pariah for speaking out about what’s right.

  3. girl…i’m exhausted just reading this, you are a freaking bad ass! I don’t know how you keep up with all that you do! i would say though, obviously school and your full-time job is important, but anything else that isn’t some form of self-care, or spending time with loved ones, maybe consider getting rid of it because you could be spreading yourself too thin. You’re in my thoughts as always. 🙂

    • Coming from you that makes me super happy. 😛 I got some rest this weekend and I know this comment is old and I sucked at replying but I’ve still been wearing myself out. I’ve gotta hop on your blog this week. Just wanted to get the comment reply out tonight! (baby steps right? not overwhelming myself with feeling like I need to do everything at once…that’s how I get myself in emotional trouble).

      • yes baby steps! 🙂 I need to remind myself of that. I just got a new job and a new dog, and I tried changing my diet, so i’m kind of exhausted myself lol. I need to slow down. and by the way idk if I told you but I got rid of my old blog and I have a new one now…and I noticed you actually like my last post hahaha. you found it! unless I told you about it and forgot lol….idk i’m tired…lots has been going on lately. but my new blog is https://alittlebitofmeanyway.wordpress.com/

        also you can always e-mail me. I think you can find my e-mail in your comments on your dashboard. 🙂

  4. Sounds like you work with a bunch of phonies who can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground! One day I hope you will be in a position to take my advice… ‘run Forrest run!

  5. First…..Give yourself a BREAK!
    You really do a LOT! Whew! as someone else said, I get tired just reading about everything you do! Dang!! For a depressed person, how do you do so much? No wonder you are tired….I know, you don’t mean that kind of tired.
    Lyme disease? I didn’t know you had that. and that could be a LOT of your fatigue.
    Your regular doctor can check your thyroid levels. Mine takes care of mine. I don’t have to see an endocrinologist. I’d only have to go there if my doctor couldn’t get the levels to stay level. ha, that sounded funny.
    yes, get in to see the doc about your meds….it will make you feel better that you are taking care of that. and if you can get in to see a therapist it will make you feel better too. You will feel better that you are taking care of you. You fret that you are neglecting that part of your well being, and that isn’t good for you.
    Your co-workers suck. Your supervisor, sucks….I assume that is who gave you your review. Geez, the don’t want you to do your job do they? Ummm, don’t tell a coworker they can’t go through a client’s purse….just let them do it. Or what, did you yell at them to “STOP!” and show your ass in front of the clients when you told her? No I’m sure you didn’t. But that’s probably what she said you did right? And you can’t tell what is going on in there because then you have an even more hostile working environment. Just remember who you are there for. The clients!! They call you mommy! Oh my gosh! You have to feel so much love from them when you help them. You should be so proud of yourself in that job. Don’t let the bad eggs get you down. (I know, much easier said than done!) It will all come out at some point….right now, work for the people who need you. And they do NEED you. I’m surprised they don’t make you go manic. I think that would do that to me.

    I want to touch on a touchy subject…..your sister and parents. You need to talk to your parents. I have a feeling that your parents have thought about what you are afraid of….talk to them, and see what they say. There may already be plans set in motion. I know you hate change, but that is the one thing that is always there. Change. It is the one thing we can count on. Everything changes. We can accept that or spend our entire lives miserable trying to fight it. So for your peace of mind….it will be the hardest thing in the world when that changes, but it will be better if you are prepared in some ways. You don’t want to have to make those decisions when the world has just fallen apart around you. {{{HUGE HUG}}}

    I hate you are having to find a new adviser at this late date! Sucks! Kick someone’s ass and get them going! 🙂

    Always remember to take care of you. Take some time for you. Quality time. Concentrate on fun more. Compassion goes to you too.
    One moment at a time. I’m very proud of you….if that counts for anything. :-]

    love to you….wen

    • I haven’t had a therapist in over a year 😦 I miss it. I’m even NOSTALGIC for days when I DID have one now. Even the shitty ones. I believe in that crap obviously or I wouldn’t be trying to get into it myself.
      You always want to touch on touchy subjects for me 😛 Oh how I always groan when you do, but I understand why you bring them up and what you say is true when you do. I know you’re looking out for me. I once in a while bring things up with my folks about how I’m feeling. I can’t be as open with anyone else and I think it makes me MORE emotional that being true!
      I got an A in my class by the way 🙂
      One moment at a time for you too lady! Let’s both get through tomorrow and move on from there. ❤

      • I’m sorry I always touch on touchy subjects…you are right, it’s only because I care.
        I just pick up things that you say, that I feel you want to talk about. One of my best friends tells me that I keep asking her the same things he therapist does. haha Her therapist tells her she has a good friend, and once asked if I was a therapist. 😛 Not that I am saying I could ever give professional advice, I just thought it was funny!

        If you ever just want to talk, I’m here for you. Drop me a line. I sure wouldn’t mind someone to talk to too. 🙂

        I’m glad you feel you can be so open with you parents. I can tell that makes you feel vulnerable…emotional…however, it may give you a peace of mind if you do talk to them. The emotional time you have talking to them won’t last as long as your relief of stress will. Just keep thinking about that. Remember, it’s just an emotion, it can’t hurt you physically…we can let go of them, we just have to work on it. Meditation is a good way to help with this. (yeah I’m not very good at that either) But remember to have a lot of self compassion. Do not do the self blame game. Self forgiveness a big key. Since I’ve learned this, I feel so much better. I have a pity party sometimes….like lately…but I’m not going to beat myself up for it like I used to. It’s my feelings, they are mine….I will deal with them and let them go…right now I need to have self compassion.
        I think i’m giving me more of a pep talk than I am you!!

        Congrats on the A!!!! You do so well in school, yet you worry so much. I am very proud of you. Give yourself a break my friend. Take time to breathe.

        thank you for coming by my blog.
        Don’t worry about getting bogged down and not being able to come by for a while. I haven’t been around to people’s blogs in a while. Too many losses in my life recently, just dealing with so much. And I think my meds need to be changed, going to my med doc today.


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