FEAR stands for Fuck Everything And Run

…It’s an old AA saying or so I’ve been told. And surely right now I’m ready to sprint to quit my job so I can stay on Medicaid. That, or I legitimately study every freaking thing I’d need to do and get to make my own generic Lamictal and Luvox. Is my life about to become a spin off of Breaking Bad?

After taking time off to visit the IDHS who told me that my medicaid was in tact, I then get a letter this following week saying that in August of this year my medicaid will be terminated because I make too much money. Now I’ll share with you that I make $10.50 an hour, 40 hours a week and I’m paid biweekly. With all the debt that I’m in, I would be screwed into a coffin while alive if I had to on top of all of that pay for some shitty insurance that will cost me an arm and a leg in copays and monthly fees to upkeep it. When I first started on Obamacare I couldn’t afford the montlhy payments so I ended up with no insurance at all. You know how much my Luvox alone is without insurance coverage? Just over 300 dollars. That’s literally half my paycheck for ONE 30 DAY prescription.

I was just in the shower 10 minutes ago standing under the water and trying not to scream thinking that I should write President Obama and beg him for mercy and let me stay on medicaid. Do jobs let you take a pay cut? I normally don’t ever say things like, “What a miserable life, I want to die” around my family but in my sudden FEAR I let that line slip. My heart is racing and I’m doing the best breathing that I can in order to keep myself calm…but all I want to do is fuck everything and run.


Bubbling Brain Bog

News coverage of the most recent big shooting poses more evidence to my research hypothesis on perceptions of mental illness based on media and pop culture exposure. Why is the young white male gunman the face of mental illness? Anyway…

The indent in my mattress I get pulled into has been ticking me off. I can’t even sleep right now because every time I start to fall into the slope I feel like punching the adjoining wall. Obviously not productive.

Waking up with obnoxious full body pains and hypersensitivity have made mornings headed to work hell and I’m even hypersensitive to smells. All of these things are daily occurrences and as I lay in my uneven bed right now smelling God knows what’s been reheated and wanting to jump out of my skin, I can genuinely report my current mood is 3 of ten with more anger and resentment at the world around me than depression. Though I may add if there was a theme for the day it was in fact, depression.

I’ve been trying to combat the heavy mental weights by jotting down minor events and accomplishments. Examples of this are that I test drove the car I want to buy and that I made great progress in the RPG I’m playing. Counting up the little things in written form has always helped raise morale and one day when I’m a certified therapist I will most definitely insist my clients do the same.

Being a small time hero and all around “good guy” at work has been rewarding. On the other hand my scumbag supervisor drove me up a wall so high last week that had I felt like screaming and crying. Thankfully I’ve trained myself to withhold (most) emotional reactive outbursts. (Makes me step back and note how I never stop growing and learning.) Only good people should be allowed to work as supervisors. It reminds me of a history course I took where I learned that the first “police” in early America were thugs, amongst other ugly things.

I’m taking an online course on bartending I purchased for 5 bucks on groupon just to do something out of the ordinary. I’m reading the Grimm fairy tale compilation in my journey to become a master folklorist. I’m considering taking a non credit acting class just for me. I miss Chris, whose isolating in his own depression…and making me feel uncomfortably disconnected with him. I plan on starting to take walks or do strength training at the gym. I just need to recreate the habit and get healthy. Starting is the hardest. These are things in my life.

Oh, bother.