Anxiety: 89/100, Mood: Marvin the Depressed Robot from HHG2G

“Why did the chicken cross the road? Because his therapist told him to do more things that scare him.” I’m not surprised I ended up in the E.R. a couple of weeks ago with dire abdominal pain (Turns out I have gastritis, sudden onset). I swallow my anxiety and anger about things instead of working through my feelings in a healthy way. Like blogging! Whenever there’s a significant lull in my posts or general communication with friends and family I’m likely gorging on negative thoughts and thereafter gagging on my hangover from them. There’s unnecessary  guilt involved in self isolating too, which makes me isolate even more intently because suddenly the thought of anything else is so horrifying it affects me physically. “Want to come over? I miss you.” “Sorry, I’ve just had my legs gnawed off by a koala and won’t be able to make it until they grow back.”

Of course my job requires extreme social interaction, but it’s with a developmentally disabled population and I’m comfortable with them. I turn on the jolly when I get to work even if I’m convinced I won’t open my mouth or smile once that day. I’m also moving up in the ranks, I was hired for the first female CILA! Charmingly enough though, they’ve pushed back my start date three times, and my god. Showing back up to work after having said goodbye twice is one of the most humiliating, anger inducing, depressing feelings in the whole world. I was told I start this Tuesday instead of Monday (today) on Friday after work. Tomorrow I’ll be making the walk of shame one last day before switching, unless my boss who is my boss for one more day, will let me take a day off unpaid. Going to have to wait another 3.5 hours to find out about if I should be so lucky. I can’t see myself opening my mouth or smiling at all at work today. Seriously.

However, it’s not like I’ve been unproductive in my mental unease. I’ve been on a fantastic cleaning and re-organizing everything my family owns spree. “Today perhaps I’ll move all of my art supplies to another area in the room!” “I think the decor on the TV stand needs a complete revamping!” “Oh no, I’ve finished washing ALL the clothes in the house. WHAT DO I DO WITH MYSELF NOW!?” It’s relaxing for a half a moment following an accomplishment, until something else to obsess over pops up. Usually it surrounds my ongoing intrusive thought that something will spark from an outlet and my home will burn down and I’ll lose everything and my life will be ruined.

There’s also a few new developments in life that are kind of devastating…to me, and I’m masticating those at the moment because they’re fresh meat. Like…I just found out that even though I’ll be OFFICIALLY done with EVERYTHING this semester and able to graduate, I’m 4 months past the due date for graduating in December, and 2 days away from missing the deadline to graduate in May of NEXT YEAR. Wow how great it feels. I think if I can make it through today, I should be able to cope a little better by breaking things down, but this whole going to work thing today is pretty much a big glue ball of stress that’s grabbing with it all other things I need to deal with and making it slightly impossible NOT to want to hide in my head. CBT and all that are just too energy consuming right now and I’m probably not going to get more than an hour or two of sleep as is.


16 thoughts on “Anxiety: 89/100, Mood: Marvin the Depressed Robot from HHG2G

  1. I am sorry to hear you ended up in the hospital with that. I had colitis a few months ago and was in the hospital. It was miserable and I do think that it was caused by stress and anxiety.

    Stress takes a toll on the body. There cannot be a separation between the mental and the physical. One always affects the other. It can become a snowball effect.

    I hope you are feeling better soon. I hope you can get a more sleep. Sleep is critical for the body to repair itself. We get sick easier when the sleep is not in 8 hour time blocks. It is hard to do it though. I end up having trouble sleeping and then waking up at odd times and then trying to go back to sleep.

    My thoughts are with you. It is so hard to have mental illness and then physical illness on top of it.

    Much love,
    sorry for rambling, i do that sometimes,
    Annie ❤

    • I can’t say in all the time I’ve followed your blog or been graced with your comments on mine that I’ve ever had a problem with your rambling. 🙂 I chuckle because I have 5 more hours until I need to be up, but it’ll take me a while to fall asleep and I’m thinking it’d be close to 5 when it happens, then the anxiety that it’s so late already will be up in the air. Oy.

  2. I’m sorry to hear of such confusion in your life. But hopefully, today will be much better because your blogging… the cure for what ails you or so I think. Blog until the cows come home (I’ve never seen them leave much less come home) and then blog more. So I hope to read more of your post. Much luck on the new position at work. And you will be in my thoughts… JC

  3. Gosh, I am so sorry to you’re going through all this!
    I hope things with work settle down, since that seems to be one of the big triggers if I understood your post, correctly. And if not, I hope you’re able to find an additional outlet for your anxiety so you can manage.
    Good luck!

    • Thanks Jenn 🙂 I’m balancing outlets with trying very hard to get more sleep with counting the days until I see this crappy psychiatrist I just started seeing in hopes maybe he’ll help me tweak my drug cocktail. Peace to you!

  4. I know sadness isn’t impressive,
    But allow me a little suggest-ive:
    Please don’t try to bag
    Your next “hangover-gag,”
    Becoming more Manic-Depressive!

    (“I’m not bringing anyone down, am I…?”)
    Is it telling that the Paranoid Android was the only character I liked in that series? I think not.

  5. I am going through a similar patch, but without the old. I get bummed sometimes thinking this cycle will always be present. Therapy helps. You should be proud that you are functioning at such a high level you are graduating and getting promoted. All while dealing with the curse as I like to call it.

    You rock!

    • I’m glad to hear from you again! I hadn’t in a long while and was worried about you. YOU Rock too! Otherwise of course I wouldn’t be phased if I didn’t hear from you! Thanks Rob 🙂

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