Quit that Pickin’!

This is my third full week at the women’s CILA (Community Integrated Living Arrangement). I work with 3 (soon to be 4) adult women of varying ages with developmental and intellectual disabilities. I fought for the position for months and finally got the main full-time position which has been the focal point of my life right now. This is after nearly a year working at the larger group home that houses 100 individuals with these disabilities at the workshop where we teach life skills.

If you follow the BBQ blog, you know how frustrated I was with the laziness and unjustness of the job, and Lord let me tell you how much better it is to be at the CILA. I’m good at my job, I care very much about the women, and I rock at paperwork. Most importantly I’ve lasered off the incompetence of the workshop staff, and finally feel like I have some control. I’ve been calling myself the “house-mother” because, well, I am! (We spent over an hour on our first big grocery shopping trip today and remembering I’m teaching people how to live and behave in the community from scratch can be pretty rough.)

If you were to ask me if I had kids I’d have to say yes my oldest is 58 and my youngest is going to be 3. Remember for 4 years I was a nanny before all this, and if I never have kids of my own I can say I’ve been able to put my motherly personality to work. I’m proud of that. I’ve always had a big heart and a lot of love to give. I’ve also for the longest time felt bad complimenting myself. It’s a tremendously rewarding job and equally as tremendously difficult. I’ve been keeping my spirits up through the rough spots, and the amount of love the girls give me makes me beam. Anyway, on the side I’m carving out my research for my last semester of my undergrad and trying to take care of the family and maintain some semblance of a social life. Take that 3 and a half years of severe agoraphobia that ruined my mid twenties! You can suck a ****. Look at me now! (No worries life, I’m still kinda miserable and that should be reason enough not to need to jinx me).

I’d have to say the hardest part of life right now is waking up. I feel all the little Lyme Disease critter bacteria I’ve been host to for 14+ years crawling under my skin and traveling to work to make me achy and tired and hypersensitive and itchy and all around miserable. Learning to live with chronic physical illness has been a long process but if I can learn to handle living with my chronic mental illnesses as eloquently, I’ll be in good shape to live out the many more decades I hope to be able to.

On that note, I’m at that point in my life where I need a new man…maybe a woman, I mean don’t judge me here…I’m desperate. I need someone kind and understanding who I can laugh with and most importantly who is a psychiatrist who can up my dosage of Luvox. My OCB’s (Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors) have been out of control and my intrusive thoughts have been throwing frat parties on the regular. My skin picking and fear of my house burning down in particular are REALLY bad right now. I’ve also been off of Ritalin way too long.

If I get one thing done tomorrow before my shift, I’m going to try to make it find a doctor who will take my insurance and my hours and get myself there ASAP. I can do this. I can do this…I can do this. Right?


13 thoughts on “Quit that Pickin’!

  1. You can do it. One little step at a time. Break every task down into micro-steps.
    Praise yourself for every tiny step you accomplish.
    This is how I get thru some days.
    Organize the dr phone numbers=one step

    Make sure phone gets charged=another step

    Call first number on the list and leave a message =one step

    Eat breakfast Get dressed…all separate steps.

    Organize as much as you can the night before. Breath in between each step you accomplish.

    Anything you do accomplish counts. Each step matters, even if the whole task has not been completed.


    • I’m going to need to start writing down my little daily accomplishments to give me the stronger feeling of accomplishment. Especially this week. It was a rough last few days. I totally agree with you though, and thank you for the reminder to start doing it again!

  2. Wow you have a lot going on, from work to family to chronic illness. And it sounds like you’re doing really well. I mean yes, you have day to day struggles, but you’re winning, and you have a plan. That’s awesome.

  3. Soooo…did you do it?
    Sorry I’m awfully late catching up.
    I love how you sound in this post…and your writing is wonderful.
    You clearly love your job.
    Are doing pretty darn good despite the need of a psych doc. And you realize you need the meds.
    I hate we have to deal with chronic physical and mental health issues…sucks don’t it?
    But we persevere.
    And you are doing a great job.
    I’m proud of you.


    • WENDY! I got a new psychiatrist that I saw Monday but I’m telling you I don’t like the guy already. I told myself that he gave me my meds and I paid him and hopefully next month he’s a little more personable. His bedside manner was awful. Thank you for being proud of me πŸ™‚

  4. Dang, BBB! You sound so good! Seriously. I’m hearing new strength in you that I never used to hear and see. It’s amazing watching you grow into a strong, more confident RADIANT person. Awesome. πŸ™‚

    And hey, I’m proud of you too. You’re a freaking inspiration, continually. By the way, don’t you love this? My school (a whole year after saying they accepted 90 transfer-in credit hours, initially) has now told me that, “Oopsy, we were only supposed to accept 60.” And now, they’re really trying to tell me that I’ll need to take an additional 25+ credit hours before I’ll get to graduate- out of pocket. Talk about being ultra-mega-pissed. I appealed, naturally. Won’t know anything for another few weeks, at the earliest. Ugh. Who knows…

    so sorry to know you’ve had to battle Lyme disease too. Crap, girl- it really hit you from all ends, eh? And this is why you’re such an inspiration. x

    • HO-LY eff. We both got screwed with school pretty much in the same relative time frame. Kindred spirits man. I’m sorry :/ I’m sad for both of us. You keep writing comments to me that I need to save for myself to remind myself happy things. I love you πŸ™‚ From afar, on the internet, in IL.

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