I’m the Queen of Run-on’s

As my depression has spiraled into the lowest point it’s been in quite some time my immune system has gone tumbling down with it. So, on top of feeling emotionally defeated, I have a scratchy throat, body aches and the sniffles. Totally how I want to spend my existence right now. You know, I’m being mindful just living in the moment and stuff. The achy, shitty moment where I can’t remember where I hit the Sleeping Beauty button that allows me to wait for things to get better.

Last night I spent having a very loud conversation with myself (in my thick head, where I spend most of my time since all of the things I feel like responding to socially are full of some kind of passive aggressive poison and that’s pretty counter productive, but so is being isolated from other people) full of rage for not being in control of huge chunky life situations I’ve recently encountered.  Though I know I’m not being realistic here feeling as though I should be able to control everything, I kind of wallowed in my swamp of an emotional state. Wondered if this life is hell. Pondered why anyone would have any sympathy for someone whose always depressed and has been depressed for an extended period of time. Recently (and by recently I mean two days ago) I had a friend I haven’t spoken with in a while ask me why I don’t go see a counselor in response to me saying I’m pretty depressed at the moment but happy with work (you know, small talk, “Hey Bipolar Barbie how are you?” “Fine” is the socially acceptable answer you should give by the way). At that moment in time I decided I was done responding to pretty much all messages and e-mails on a social level and don’t really care if I have any friends anymore. Rofl. Look at me using internet slang like “rofl” in my blog. Insanity.

depressionarmy:  There are still so many misconceptions about depression.:

I usually equate situations like this (though I haven’t personally had one of these in years) to how if someone were to say they were having a hard time in chemo or that they had a cancer relapse that the out-pour of support and community candle vigils would be epic. Mental illness? Well, just the term sounds bad in itself. Mental health issues? Sounds pretty pathetic too. Depression? An overused tossed around term for general sadness unless you’ve had or have it. So what do you do ey? I’ve been studying mental illness stigma for a year and a half now and honest to God even I find myself in the midst of it because that’s the culture I’ve grown up in and it’s hard to disassociate myself with it especially when being bipolar and being depressed and BEING ocd is guilt producing and announcing it in any way shape or form other than an anonymous public forum like this blog is just me “looking for attention” or a “cry for help” you know, that kind of garbage. I sound so pretentious to myself right now. As if I’m entitled to feelings and things like that.

Well, I’ve spent plenty of time finding activities to keep me busy and I cross off and list all of my daily accomplishments. I have a job where I help people that I’ve worked toward getting for years and I’m doing well at and am proud of myself. I run the CBT thought logs in my head and sometimes scribble them on paper and I use positive self talk when I don’t feel like I’m being carried upright by a steel pole that I can’t get any good posture with while it’s impaling me. I try to meditate and I keep a log of my mood and circumstances surrounding it as well as time stamp it. It’s just hard, existing that is, so that’s that.

Oh bother, I am a Barbie of very little brains.


20 thoughts on “I’m the Queen of Run-on’s

  1. I genuinely love the sarcasm and sass you invade your post with. It’s refreshing while still honest and blunt. I love the image you posted as well. Depression is like watching paint dry…I might use that some day. 🙂 I hope and pray things start on the mend for you. Thank you for stopping by Confessions and reading. I hope to see you hanging around again soon (as I will be here!).

  2. This is an amazing post. So very real. There are so many things I keep saying…yes! to. Why don’t people get it. Depression is more than being sad. OK, so you are depressed, but you do not have depression. there is a difference and people just throw that term around like confetti.
    Someone just asked me to write a post on what I feel depression is like. I hope you don’t mind if I mention your blog. and I’m going to steal your cool graph.
    The part the graph doesn’t show is the anger part. I guess that is the guilt, but I get so damn mad. So mad at me, and at everyone else. Just help or get out of my damn way. Normally, I want to scream, LEAVE ME ALONE…but I really want for someone to just hold me and understand. But don’t talk. haha
    I’ve been having a lot of the sarcastic words in my mind whenever someone talks to me, or doesn’t do things like I want. Oh did I say I am freaking out that I can’t be in control of everything? I think that’s a lot more anxiety than depression right now. Went off of my anxiety medication because I didn’t think it was doing anything. I think I was w-r-o-n-g. So I’m going to start back on it.

    Now, for you. You are not a Barbie of very little brains. That is the depression talking. Read the post you just wrote, it is very articulate and very well written. You have brought up things that people should address. BTW, I feel the same way about the way people treat people with cancer. Dealing with a chronic illness can be so much worse. Cancer has an end. One way or another. Yes sometimes it leaves you with a chronic condition, but when that happens people forget about you.
    People with a chronic illness always have to deal with it, it doesn’t go away. and people normally ignore us at best, they treat us like we are faking at worst. all that in between is still not good.

    You have a great way of seeing things. I have no doubt you are taking care of yourself. I know you will pull through this. Remember you have before. It does get better. When I’m really depressed that’s what I have to keep telling myself. It will get better.
    It will get better.

    I’m here for you.
    I care, really I do.
    love you.

    • You have the best insight and all your words carry your whole heart with you for everyone to see. I’m here for you too, just really bad at reaching out my t-rex hands to type sometimes 😦

  3. Hope it’s ok, I’m sharing the link to this post on my blog in two different posts. They haven’t come out yet, so you have time to stop me if you want.
    One is about what I feel depression is. (a friend asked me to write it)
    The other is a posts about great posts and articles I’ve read on the internet recently. (there are things I just feel are worth sharing!! and this is one of those things!)
    love to you my dear friend.

    • Heck yeah! The highest compliment!!! I still have to get back to your e-mail. I missed my meds last night…so all through today I’ve been like ULCJWEOIFJWOEIJFOEWIJFOWEIJFEW

  4. This is so flattering, and makes my day. And week and month and forever. I’ll try to write back today. I couldn’t sleep much now and finished editing a review that I’ve been wanting to put up for 2 weeks. ❤ you

  5. Pingback: Depression, it’s not just being sad. | Picnic with Ants

  6. I know this comes a little late, but I just wanted to say that I totally connect with this post on an emotional level.

    I was just recently (like within the past two months) diagnosed as bipolar II (as distinguished from what my psych and I thought was unipolar depression until a terrible experience with Pristiq caused my hypomania to truly rear its ugly, ugly head.) I crashed and burned into a depressive k-hole that I didn’t think I was ever going to get out of. I thought about death and how nice it would be not to have to deal with bipolarity (seriously, being hypomanic and then crashing is the worst fucking feeling ever) anymore, but then I realized that life is still worth it–even the shit. (The drug cocktail I’m currently on helps immensely as well.)

    If you have Netflix, I highly, highly recommend “Lady Dynamite” starring Maria Bamford (who has bipolar II in real life.) It’s a scary accurate yet hilarious portrayal of bipolar II and all of the fun (and terror) that comes along with it. In any case, it helped me so much with coming to terms with my disorder and realizing that life doesn’t have to be over with a new (albeit shitty) mental health diagnosis.

    Sorry to drone on. I’m trying to reach out to people who are going through the same kind of things. In any case, I hope that since this is an older post, you’re beginning to feel better.

    • I am 100% going to have to watch that. The more accurate and gory details the better. You can drone out all you’d like here. I’m doing…alright for myself, I’ll come check on your blog tomorrow, I forced myself on tonight to post and now I need to recover from the anxiety energy haha. Plus, work tomorrow.

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