Suicidal Idiation – What a pain in the ass thing to have right now.

Now, I’m in trouble. But I’m getting help. The months long battle of baseline depression had at first dipped then slid then plummeted me into my own grave which I’ve wanted to cover myself in this past week. Last night I politely nodded to myself while the rivers ran blood down my cheeks that I ought to check myself into a hospital, I was ready to kill myself. But all the methods seem so very painful for one’s last moments and hospitals are very expensive so instead I told my boss (who is like a friend as well) that I needed to get help and was wondering if I could get time off, just for a bit, to do so.

She, being one of my biggest supporters it turns out, arranged immediately to set a plan with me for the rest of the week off (this was my idea to go back to work Monday after speaking with my doctor tomorrow and hopefully getting pumped full of antidepressants and rainbows) and she’s even got my back if I need a bit more time than that to get adjusted and ‘get help’. I told a couple people what was going on, and even my folks, which was the hardest for me to do. Everyone has of course been supportive though for whatever reason I feared the opposite, and obviously I’m alive enough to spit out a few words while I’m coping with the ‘help/healing’ process. I spent my day being distracted by things I haven’t much joy in anymore, and sleeping (which was great until a split second after I woke up and I remembered reality was a thing). The screwy nap schedule has me awake right now, but I don’t work tomorrow and I’m so goddamn down that I don’t much care. I haven’t showered in days, I’ve been hiding in the same clothes, my best friend had no idea I was so sad and struggling to this point, and I’m glad I could keep the face up I suppose.
I was reminded very seriously of Robin Williams this evening during my 2 hour sob in bed and at my computer watching cute animal videos and counting my blessings. I found this little picture online that summed up when I first started to stumble how very much I felt exactly the same:
Inline image 1
I see in myself that goofy friend, colleague and family member putting others first and doing my best to be my best, but struggling so low that I just want to shed the emotional pain which has in fact turned into a very physical thing as well. Honestly it seems ridiculous to say, but there’s a comic that also has kept me from pulling that trigger (so to speak, no I do not own a firearm). Here it is:
My heart is broken, I can’t pinpoint one or two or three reasons why, I can just assure you it’s broken and it’s hurting me very badly. I’m not looking for an outcry of support, though I know at least my long term readers and blog family will be there with something nice to say, I just feel it’s important to me to get it out on paper. Or, screen paper. Whatever you’d like to call it.
I’ll survive…I guess. But I don’t much feel like I want to. I need saving for once, instead of doing all the saving, which I’m really very good at.

19 thoughts on “Suicidal Idiation – What a pain in the ass thing to have right now.

  1. You’ve got to stay strong, I use to be like you, always giving and never receiving, until one day someone said to me, you’ve got to be selfish if you ever want to be selfless. So take care of yourself and then we can all try and save the world. You are in my thoughts.[..

  2. Wow! Awesome self care techniques! And love that you’re reaching out for help. You’re much stronger than you realise. Keep holding on in the storm, you have the determination to come out unscathed. It’s clear in your writing xxx

  3. I can relate to the life in pj’s (sounds like a TV sitcom title). My antidepressant (Lexapro) stops working for me every two or three years, and I have to switch over to Cymbalta. Two or three years from now, I’ll have to switch back. I’m used to the routine by now. (I’m 65, and have lived a VERY full and productive life, in spite of having depression my entire life.)

    I have needed to get out to my doctor’s, to get the prescription change ok’d, but ‘good old insomnia’ has kept me feeling too drained of energy to want to get out and accomplish that, until a couple of week ago. I CAN say that both prescriptions keep me from feeling suicidal, even when one or the other gradually loses its general effectiveness. I just end up sinking into a general blah funk. I start skipping meals & get really run down physically.

    What I am realizing is that I have to remember to be my OWN advocate once in awhile. We champion the cause of others. Let’s remember to champion ourselves every now and then. It DOES get better. All things in your life CAN “become new” again. I promise!

  4. The other medication that is of great help to me is Depakote. It helps by quieting the excessive inner dialogue, calms my racing thoughts. Now, when I lie down in bed, I don’t feel like my thoughts are ganging up on me. It also seems to keep me from trying to analyze e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g, which helps me to focus.

    • Depakote worked alright for me, but I also put on nearly 100 lbs on it. So getting off of it was something that I enjoyed doing. I’m SO happy that it helps you though. When you get those chemicals in order, things are SO much easier.

  5. I’ve been living with the same thing for twenty years. They say you can exercise and breath and distract it away. I never give in, like you. Thanks for making me feel not alone. I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I hope that someone holds you. I hope you can fake it until it gets better. I hope that the sunshine and rainbow pill worked. I hope you are ok today.

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