I’ve just got to journal this one out

So things finally worked out with a guy who I really enjoyed going on a first date with. We have a second date scheduled in a couple days and we started playing World of Warcraft together…and I’m starting to self-sabotage myself.

Now I’ve got problems that stem real deep with anxiety and depression and right now I’m struggling. I had a bunch of good days in a row, I was confident when I met this guy and now I’m doubting everything. Does he really like me? Is he going to change his mind about me? Is he currently in the process of changing his mind about me? He talked to me less than he has been and went MIA without saying goodnight. Now I’m mad and don’t want to write back to him when he texts me but in reality it’ll take .02 seconds before I reply if he texts back.

However I don’t want that, but I don’t want to play games and leave him on read either. I DON’T want to come up with 298374938274398 reasons it’s not going to work out because I’ve only known the guy FIVE DAYS. Most signs point to the fact that he’s into me, but even though it’s just superstition the idea of writing down my worries makes me feel like I’m jinxing everything to go wrong.

I am radically accepting (a DBT skill) that I may have subjectively said too much, or not the perfect things, or maybe I was too random today or maybe I’m getting boring, but objectively the behavior I see is that I’m not being given attention and it makes me feel shitty. I don’t want to be a reassurance seeker like I have had a tendency to be in the past, but this connection I have I’ve had before with a couple other guys and both of those ‘relationships’ (in the sense of  a relationship with any other thing or being) ended poorly, so it makes sense I’d have some anxieties, but this is out of control.

I can’t sleep, I want to sleep more than anything, and I’m crying. I’m going to have to text my therapist tomorrow though I’m assuming she’s just going to tell me to chill out on this one and that won’t make me feel any better.

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