My Fingers Get Panic Attacks

Life is going pretty well if I put it on paper (or, internet paper…). However, I am still not happy.

I’ve been coloring this big picture for my brand new pen pal who I’ve been friends with for a couple years now online and I notice some water droplets touched the paper…if anything it gives it a bit of a watercolor flushed look and it’s tried and the damage is done but…THE DAMAGE…IS DONE!!! Oh god it’s ruined. I’ve spent like 3 hours on this thing trying to make all the colors work together and I’m nearly done and then…drop drop drop. Honestly I don’t even think it’s a big deal but it makes me feel SLOPPY and no one wants to feel sloppy when they present themselves to another person…I want to still send it though. Honestly it shouldn’t be a big deal. But right now it’s the BIGGEST deal.

I have a mood tracker app on my phone which I recommend, it’s called, “Mood Log” and it’s brilliant. Gives you a little graph and you can log your mood at your fancy any time of the day or night very quickly and easily. Since I started Celexa about a week and a half ago now I’ve noticed instead of solid 2-3’s (out of 10) I’m more generally in a 4-6 range. Right now in this moment I’m about a 3 though, with tightness in my tummy.

I’ve been trying really hard to work through the kinks of life and I’m obviously alive to write that all out but my fingers have been having major anxiety attacks. Seriously. That’s why I go missing from blogging, I feel guilty I haven’t a set schedule and pumped out new material for people to skim and nod at. I feel guilty when I don’t get back to e-mails…oh lord do I feel guilty…PANIC ATTACKS. Just this paralysis, or this gap in my brain that disconnects, “I should reply but my reply won’t be brilliant and witty and long so it’s not quality and I can’t just send a SLOPPY e-mail” and then the days go by and the weeks and I have a couple e-mails I’ve been meaning to reply to that I keep putting off because of finger fears. Same thing in my facebook inbox, though for whatever reason it seems to be a lot harder in my gmail one.

See, all the words in the English language are at my disposal (I haven’t worked on my second language skills in months, should get back on that, I think- though by the way from a cognitive behavioral therapy standpoint using ‘should’ statements is a no-no), and I can ‘share’ a meme on facebook or throw a few ‘like’s on my feed as I’m laying in bed sorting out all the things I’ve done and have to do and contemplating getting up to drink water because that’s good for me but I’m depressed and don’t want to get up and also water sometimes leaves droplets on your coloring pages. It’s problematic.

Woe is me, my job is great and when I’m at work I do a great job though in-between sessions I have with clients I get MAJOR anxiety about how it’ll go, even though I’m wonderful at what I do and get a lot of positive feedback from higher ups. Woe is me. I have a pen pal now!!!!! How cool is that?! Woe is me. I have friends who want to share stories with me and hear mine too. WOE IS ME. I’m starting side projects like picking up knitting again (I WILL finish this blanket before I die, I swear!!) and zine making and taking care of my skin and hair. But you know, I’m miserable. So, as guilt so often does it will give me enough fight or flight anxiety now that it’s built up like gunk inside my arteries to empty ALL of my inboxes tonight which will feel wonderful. Until they fill back up again and I’ll have to rewire my brain with self talk so that I can fight against the finger panic attacks. Though I know, they’ll still come and as they do I’ll have to face them.

For all of you out there reading this, I hope very much that you’re having a fantastic day and be sure to feed your fingers with fabulous thoughts so they work well for you. Time to catch up on some blogs!

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Take 2 Emotional Asprin and Call me in the Morning

I started practicing writing in Morse code in my paper diaries so that I could vent what I needed to but not have to trigger bad memories if I ever flipped back through the journals. But today, the pen feels like it’s a thousand pounds. I’m emotionally drunk and tonight’s poison is despair.

More than anything recently I’ve been dealing with massive amounts of anxiety. I thought it’d be a great idea to find some guided meditations on YouTube to lay down and listen to and the plan was to find at least 2 or 3 that I could share on the blog here. Results: I found nothing! Nothing that works for me anyways. The closest I got to finding something that I felt was worth listening through to the end/going back to was an amateur who could not keep pace when she was reading the meditation. There are some real calming voices out there, but missing the right words and some lovely oceanic sounds, but without the words to hold my hand I just get bored with and start cluttering  my mind with thoughts again.

I remember from about 6 years ago when I was in therapy there was this one meditation that my therapist read for me ONCE that I remember to this day. It was fabulous. It was about imagining myself as a leaf floating down a river. Once in a great while I’ll admit I try it out again just kind of winging it. As long as it works right? But then eventually I lose concentration. I’d probably be the worst Jedi ever.

Last week I put my resignation in and now I have one week left with the agency I’m at. I was hired at a higher quality, better paying job which I’m pretty qualified for, which’ll send me in the right direction in my career. It’s a big deal. I’m thrilled for it but nervous. My job I currently have a week left at I’m stressing tremendously from. The administration hasn’t been that great about it, but I just need to keep counting the days.

My health is poor, and the first opportunity I have to get things REALLY straightened out is a month away. Also, my relationship I’d say has been going the best it has been for years until a couple weeks ago when my boyfriend REALLY got down about his shitty life, and when he’s REALLY down he puts the verbal bullets right through every kill zone in me. The shots fired today of course, which has me in a coma where I haven’t said a word to anyone in the past six hours.

Since I couldn’t pick up the pen and vomit it all out, I figured I could flitter my fingers for a while. My biggest recommendation for anyone in a similar situation is to stay distracted. Right now I’m blogging, watching Netflix, and moving everything from one notebook to the other which is a nervous obsessive compulsive behavior that I just let happen because it gives me something to do at least.

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Sleep is really easy and unhealthy to do for 70% of your day off, but it’s also the best way to keep your mind off of things. So don’t sleep all day alright? Only I can do that.

Humans of WordPress: Stories

When I was in elementary school we’d have silent reading time. Since everyone already knew I was an avid reader I one day decided to further impress them with my book repertoire and read the dictionary. In elementary school this was actually something people gossiped about in relation to how smart I was. Damn f’n right they were.  I was also a little turd sometimes.

Now speaking of books, I’m still an avid reader, which strengthens my writing I feel like, but there is one book I’m reading now that’s got me all tweaky while in the midst of my depression. And also envious (that’s the one of the 7 deadly sins I suffer from the most). I’ll explain.

Fiction books pull on my heartstrings as an emotional reader, especially if I’m in a manic, depressive, paranoid or obsessive state, but also are great tools for feeling good about myself having a legitimate hobby that I enjoy that double as an escape route that’s healthier than sleeping in my spare time. If you’re feeling low on yourself and need something to pull you out of it, pick something up to read. Even if it’s a magazine. Maybe you’ll like the whole line of the magazine’s you read, then maybe you’ll become knowledgeable about a subject, and hey, that’ll make you feel good too.

I don’t read much non-fiction honestly, not for any particular reason, but I received the book Humans of New York Stories from a friend for Christmas. I’m 3/4 of the way done now and really recommend it, especially for a community like ours (thoughtful bloggers) because it showcases pretty much the everyday person on the street – in this case, New York (which is the whole point of it). I guess it’s also a blog (I had heard of it but never had any interest in reading it). I still haven’t searched the blog.

The stories are not these hugely long. It’s like a big book of photojournalism that showcases snippets. Sometimes the stories are a page long and sometimes they’re a single sentence quote. Great for when you want to read but are in that zone where your thoughts are moving a million miles a minute.

In fact, it reminds me of a large book of writing prompts. “Hey, here’s an excerpt from a character that’s beginning or end to the story isn’t included and leaves you feeling a little uneasy or longing for more”. I thought that was a great way to write this book, but (ENVY) I could have done that! I want people to appreciate MY work! I didn’t go to school for creative writing or journalism and so I can’t even comfortably say I’m a ‘writer’ or have anyone take me seriously as a ‘blogger’ because I don’t have a couple million person fan-base. F YOU AUTHOR!

Since I’m not 100% selfish when it comes to people sharing the same hobby as I have (writing) I do like that it makes me feel a new appreciation for every single person in the world. Everyone has a story worth knowing. It makes me feel grateful for the people who do read this blog, the people who have stuck with me I’ve never met on WP and the people maybe one day I’ll meet, whose stories I appreciate too. Even on a small scale, we may not have mass followings, but our stories are heard.

The photos as a collection are really strong even though as stand alone photos without the additional text snippet wouldn’t be very intriguing. But it’s raw and real and I wonder to myself while reading how the author asked people to pose, or if he asked them to pose, or how he asked them to take the picture for each picture, or if he asked at all in some cases.

So in the spirit of the stories of humans, I’m going to pluck some excerpts from blogs I read, and link you to their authors. Maybe I’ll do this again sometime. Maybe I’ll pick all different blogs every time. Maybe I’ll never do it again, maybe a month from now I’ll cringe because I felt like this post was cheesy and I’m a different person, but today I’m doing it.

 

“I feel the winds of destiny blowing gently on my face and I believe when you know you’re calling, you have a responsibility to fulfill it. Your steps toward that place depend not only on your own life, but the lives of those who you will touch along the way. In that altruistic way, I can look forward to my future with great love and excitement, knowing I’ll be making necessary changes in the world for the better.

But today, I’ll start with myself.” monochromejunkie.com

“I don’t think those without mental illness truly understand. How could they, after all? No person with a chemically balanced brain wakes up in the morning and wants, with all their heart, nothing more than to die. For absolutely no reason at all. They couldn’t possibly fathom what it feels like to not know who you will be the following day. What it’s like to not sleep, and instead, lay awake and think of every little thing that is wrong. I really don’t believe that people without mental illness could get it. After all, I don’t have the slightest idea what it is to be normal. To not be ruled by my rapid and extreme emotions. To live a functional life, even. So how could they possibly understand me, when I could never understand them?” https://zedmondson.wordpress.com

“As I received no definitive instructions, I didn’t know exactly what God called me to do, but I chose to identify with mystic saints and believed that God called me to seminary training.” http://kittomalley.com/

“That is one of the major problems with the chronically ill, especially with people like me who are mostly house bound, we become extremely lonely.  Ah…but that could be a whole other post.” http://picnicwithants.com/

“My Agoraphobia has reached an all time high.” https://larainstitches.wordpress.com

“I’m kind of having a really bad day.” http://despairtodeliverance.com/

Liebster Blog Award

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I was nominated by JANETMICKLEY who is an amazing blogger and individual. 🙂 I’m glad to have her part of my WordPress family and I hope we continue to know each other for time to come.

 

  • This award motivates bloggers to work hard.
  • It provides exposure to small bloggers.
  • It helps to build good relationships with other bloggers.
  • It is an opportunity to share more about you with others.
  • It’s easy and good fun.

 

You just have to follow the steps given below, if someone nominates you for “The Liebster Blog Award”:

1. Thank the person that nominated you!
2. Post 11 Facts about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions posted by the person who nominated you
4. Nominate 10 Bloggers that you think deserve some recognition
5. Inform those bloggers that you’ve nominated them!
6. Post 11 questions for them to answer

 

Here are 11 facts about Myself:

  1. I have bipolar type 1 and was diagnosed 6 years ago.
  2. I’m at the tail end of my undergrad psychology degree.
  3. My favorite way to make french toast is strictly with eggs, milk, and butter, no sweet stuff for me for breakfast.
  4. I am a huge Sailor Moon fan and have been since I was little.
  5. My favorite froyo flavor is cake batter.
  6. I have loved and played video games longer than I’ve loved Sailor Moon.
  7. I would like to take a family vacation to Disney World.
  8. I have a growing muppet collection.
  9. I have a really hard time focusing.
  10. My ex boyfriend and one of my best friends uses my Netflix account more than I do.
  11. I’d like to write a book before I croak.

 

Here are the questions I’m required to answer:

  1. Why did you decide to start blogging? I used to blog when I was 13, stopped for many years and hand-journaled, and then when I discovered WordPress thought I’d give a blog a chance again.
  2. What is your biggest dream in life? I’d like to live a low-stress, enjoyable life.
  3. If you could have dinner with one person living or dead, who would it be and why? I have a huge girl-crush on Jennifer Lawrence and would love to have dinner with her.
  4. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I’d like to be back together with Chris in a happy relationship.
  5. Have you ever fired a gun? No, I don’t think with recordable mental illness you’re aloud to either…but I could be wrong.
  6. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? I’d shed a few IQ points if it’d lose me the weight I want to lose.
  7. What is your favorite joke? I used to have a favorite joke…but I can’t remember what it is. I like bad puns and memes.
  8. What is the worst present you have ever received? Oh man nothing’s been so bad that it sticks out, but I really don’t like getting bath sets from people. ZzZzZ.
  9. What is your worst fear? Well since I already lost the love of my life, I’d say the next scariest thing would be to lose a parent before their time.
  10.  Is there anything about the opposite sex you just don’t understand or comprehend? Yeah, why won’t they all do what I want them to?
  11. Do you want to build a snowman??? Okay 🙂

 

These are my 10 nominations for the Liebster Award (in no particular order), you’re all wonderful bloggers. Even if I don’t often ‘comment’ on your posts, I am right behind you reading them. Fully aware that sounds very creepy. 🙂

http://picnicwithants.wordpress.com/

http://youshouldseemyscars.wordpress.com/

http://despairtodeliverance.com/

http://sheridegrom.com/

http://marieolivia.wordpress.com/

http://my20somethingsadventures.wordpress.com/

http://thewinewankers.com.au/

http://inavukic.com/

http://ocdjm.com/

http://monochromejunkie.com/

 

My 11 questions for my nominees are:

  1. What is your favorite animated series or film?
  2. What would your “Keep Calm And” poster say?
  3. Do you collect anything?
  4. What colors would you want your wedding to be/what colors themed your wedding?
  5. What color is your bedroom?
  6. Do you prefer showers or baths?
  7. What is your favorite breakfast food?
  8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?
  9. Your ideal pizza?
  10. What’s your favorite way to eat potatoes?
  11. Favorite youtube video?

good god I want to sleep

I’m listening to my mash ups that I posted in the upper right corner “about me” text box. I forgot how much I enjoyed making them. I’d like to do another, but they’re so much work, so it’s not a job for this morning. In fact, I should have been sleeping five hours ago, but that’s about the time I woke up all gung-ho to finish my transcript for my first podcast. Now I’m wondering whether or not I should put it up as a youtube video or an actual podcast. I’ve decided on the website buzzsprout. They even have a html code I can put into my blog when I do upload an episode. I’m not used to reading things aloud and don’t feel like I sound that smooth. Part of me wants my friend to read it for me, but I’m sure I’ll do it myself. My next obstacle then will be to add music. After that I can finally upload it and maybe collect a listener or two. If I can get at least 10 I think I’d feel pretty proud of myself.

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I hope I can find the other 5 hour energy that I bought yesterday because I’ll damn well need it today. I’m going to see Orange Drink at night with Saskrotch and a couple other acts I haven’t heard of. It’s nerdy chip tuney music. I saw Orange Drink a couple years ago opening for Nullsleep and they really stole the show, so I’m excited. I think I’m more excited for them because I’m about to do something public too, and broadcast myself.

Yesterday was a bust, but hopefully today I can get plenty done. Even hit the library. If only now I could sleep. My body is Lyme Diseasing out right now with skin hypersensitivity and minor aches and pains. It’s keeping me up. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been truly comfortable. I do like after spilling out my guts into that podcast transcript that I feel a little more open about blogging about the personal. That’s a huge part of being bipolar and about being a blogger anyways, even if no one is interested in reading.