Walkin’ the Rocky Road (Not the Ice Cream Though)

I feel like working with the intellectually and developmentally disabled has helped out my patience tenfold, but when it comes to my Asperger’s younger sister, it’s another story. Give me silent autistic people who want to push away their activities and shove me because I’m physically blocking them from going into drawers they’re restricted from accessing. Give me incontinence, give me someone who I need to sit with and prompt to take a bite until they finish their meal…Not this seemingly one-sided love relationship from the person whose going to be all I’ve got one day. It makes it all the worse for wondering what the future will hold for Christmas’ to come when my folks aren’t around anymore, and believe you me I’ve come a long way but I am still a very vulnerable sugar paper when it comes to emotions and Christmas and tradition and change.

Christmas this year was better than it was last year at least. And I’m texting with my male cousins who I care about a lot and seem to give more of a F about me than all of my female ones combined. I’m thankful that I’m mending some connections that were prior voids the past several years.

Today my feelings were so hurt by my sister that I wanted to be emotional and yell and scream and throw a fit…but I swallowed it and numbed my mind and went out to do some light shopping. (I decided since I have income now I would splurge a little and spend some of my Christmas money on Christmas presents I would have loved to receive to begin with). This is one of those days I really detest whatever the reason is that she’s the way she is. The argument was stupid. She never speaks to me but had no problem spitting venom when I asked her if she could PLEASE at the LEAST if she MUST have her box of shoes which she doesn’t even wear and has had for years now out of the closet, that she could put it with the shoes by the door and not in (practically) the middle of the living room. (I know that was a long-winded thought).

Absolutely not, how dare I even F-ing think of such a GD horrible thing to ask. She literally thinks I treat her like “trash” or “garbage” when I make requests of her like that. She doesn’t swear so that’s about as low as she can kick me when I’m down using words like that. My blood boils from feeling so trapped. I thought to myself, “Thank GOD I’m on such a good level of mood stabilizers right now or I’d be in the hospital from an emotional breakdown.” Can’t say I haven’t wound up in the hospital before from mental breakdowns.

I, personally “love the hospital”. I’ve been in and out of them since before I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease at age 16. I like the overwhelmingly calming feeling I get when a nurse takes my blood pressure or hooks me up to an IV. People are there to take care of me at hospitals. People are supportive and nurturing and I like being touched by stethoscopes or those goofy things they bonk your knees with. Hell, go ahead and smoosh my ankles and legs to see if I’m retaining water. It’s relaxing. There are some days I’d prefer to be in the hospital. There are also some days I’d prefer not have to have been born so don’t take it the wrong way, it’s just one of those emotional reactionary thoughts.

Ah, hospitals. I’m sure if I was in one long-term I’d be miserable and want to go home, but I guess the point is that I’m not one of those people who cringe thinking about going. I may be a mess in the waiting room at the doctor’s but once you get me in the exam room I’m calm as a clam. This paragraph is making me seem more bizarre than I actually am about hospitals. Oh well. I just like being taken care of and not having to worry about things. When you’re tense and worried about one thing or another 24/7 (even in your dreams!!) you’ll sound bizarre too when you think about what few things actually make you feel relaxed.

If you think I should go get a massage if I like that sensation of being touched in a therapeutic way, then let me tell you that getting a massage is one of the most anxiety provoking freaking stupid things in the world for me. Not only am I worried that I’m doing something wrong (my body is too stiff, I’m not positioned right, etc.) but I’m always wondering if time is going to be up and when and will I have actually relaxed by then?! It’s awful! I could use a backrub right now though.

Aside from spending the weekend anxious about how the clock is ticking away until I have to go back to work, I’ve made myself feel alright by keeping busy with games. Something I haven’t done in a while. I love games, I’m awful at a ton of them but they’re still a hobby. I don’t make enough time for them, so here I am and that feels good. I also started my stamp collection officially and that’s kind of nice too. I’m really trying hard to do self-care to balance out my stress. School starts the first week of January. Twice a week at night. The change is going to make me feel super gross like most changes do, and add another layer of anxiety, but in the end I’m working hard and turning things around in my life by an incredible amount.

I’m scared at some point or another I won’t be able to keep it up…And I’m well aware I’m wasting precious moments of my life being scared.

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In My Head

How often are you ‘in your head’? If you like the color purple, prefer paper bags to plastic at the grocery store, and don’t like getting water in your ears, you, like me, are often in your head! (At least that’s what Buzzfeed would deduce). I’m so much so in my head, that it seemed a valid hypothesis of Chris’ as to why I never remember how to get anywhere we’ve been a thousand times. I’m not ‘paying attention’ as well as other absent-minded habits I have. I was so much in my head tonight, that I finally got out of bed and decided now was the time to blog for the week.

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Christmas last year made me want to throw up. When I was younger people used to talk about how dysfunctional their families were and I felt bad for them. Mine was great. I looked forward to holidays. Now thinking about getting together with my mom’s side of the family is something I dread. My cousins are SO different now than when we were growing up. We have hardly anything in common and pretty much talk only on Christmas these days. I’m going to make the effort to text them this week, try to spark conversation, and hopefully remedy some of that break in social tension. At least it’s tense for me. I hate the fact that all we do is exchange presents and watch each other bicker with our respected siblings. My Asperger’s sister got so wound up with me for some tiny thing I said that I can’t even remember that she pretty much said the only thing she said all night which was to bash me in a rage. After that everyone was silent, and we didn’t really pick up the mood because we had no games to play. I felt like crying. The only ‘good’ part of Christmas is the morning of that I spend with my immediate family. I’d best cherish this Christmas, for it’ll be my last as an undergraduate college student.

You read right. I’ll be graduating Fall 2015! It’s much later than I’ve wanted to have graduated, but having the fog of not knowing if there was anything I was missing lifted from my shoulders, I feel so much better about it. I spent the past year and a half avoiding talking to my adviser in the department. I was terrified to see him and it ended up being no big deal after all. In fact, it was a pleasure. I only need one more class to graduate, which will take one semester. The thing that’s pushing graduation two semesters instead of one is that I need to complete my Capstone project. Everyone in the department needs to complete one before graduating. There are a few options, but Dr. F (my adviser, and the only currently working clinical psychologist in the department), knowing my ‘condition’ and anxieties recommended me do the independent study. Not only do I get to work independently, but I get to work with Dr. F, who everyone wants to work with. He’s always booked with max students he can mentor for their projects. He’s doing me such an honor by taking me on and instead of making me wait until Fall to begin my project (which is when I’m officially in a time slot to work with him for) he’s having me start in the Spring which will prevent me from taking yet another semester to graduate. I’m thrilled. Because his field of study is abnormal psychology, I get to pick something in that realm I’m interested in. (Bipolar Disorder anyone!?) To make things all the more relieving, I don’t have to think about a project proposal until the Spring semester starts. I’m going to work my ass off to ace my one class, and impress the board with my independent study. That’s the official plan.

Announcing my excitement wasn’t the only thing I wanted to bring up in this post. Remember earlier in this post when I mentioned about throwing up? I did that two nights ago after going out with Chris (and meeting our friend and his date) who had free tickets to a concert. It urged me to pose the question to my fellow bipolar peers, how much can you drink? This is a more complicated question than it sounds and it started the year I was diagnosed. My boyfriend at the time said that an ex girlfriend of his was bipolar and could either out-drink anyone who came her way and not get drunk, or after a glass of wine be plastered. I feel like that’s the same for me. I had four shots of vodka, an IPA and a quarter of some wheat beer and didn’t feel a thing. No buzz, no loosening up, it was a waste of money and for that I’m glad that I didn’t pay for most of it, and I feel bad that I didn’t pay for most of it too in that regard. I never know what to expect when it comes to drinking anymore. I had an okay time, but was as I usually am, stuck in my head.

One of the things I was stuck in my head about was a very brief conversation piece I had with Chris on the way home. To make a long story short we have a very long history of dating, not dating, helping each other get through the mud of life, and right now he’s in no mood to be in a relationship with anyone. I’ve been in love with him for years, and see myself being alone if I don’t end up marrying him. If he were to get married I’d never speak with him again, to be frank. As long as I love him, he’ll be the only person I want to be with. I’m short-sighted I suppose you could say. I already can read your mind that you’ve been through this as well and I’ll be surprised to find someone else. No worries, I know it’s not an impossibility. I’m just speaking in the moment and the past several years of momentary feeling.

That being said, it brings us to our conversation. I told him something I was thinking about for months now. If he and I aren’t together as a couple or married by the time I’m 36 I’d like him to donate his sperm to me so I can be artificially inseminated with it and have the baby I’d love to have. He thinks I’m crazy and he won’t do it. I don’t blame him, but still it hurts to hear. It wouldn’t be the same having some stranger’s baby I pick out of a book. My mom was 37 when she had me. I always thought that was old and made me sad because I felt like my peers would all have more time with their mothers who had them when they were younger. That I’d be shorted precious time, but that’s pretty much a realistic cut off age if I want children. I can live without them, but I’m such a mom at heart truly. I mean I’m also a six-year-old at heart, but I guess that’s the goofy balance I’m meant to have. I love and adore the children I nanny for and wish I had my own children to spoil and teach and watch grow. It’s selfish as well I know. For me, I wouldn’t care if Chris wanted any parental responsibility and he’d have no reason to assist financially, but in the end its half his child. Oh well, it’s just something that’s been chewing on my heart for a bit.

Ahh, hopefully now I can sleep. Tomorrow I need to do my job search, pick up my thyroid medication and reply to blog responses from last week. I promise to do my best to accomplish all of those things! I always feel vastly accomplished when I do manage to complete the tasks for the day no matter how menial they are. I recommend making a check list mentally or physically for the day and crossing things off as you go. It’s helped me a lot.

You’d all best be doing fantastically today WordPress family, or I’ll come looking for ya!

First Post of the New Year

My new years eve was simple. We did our traditional Scrabble game which I lost miserably, and ate pizza made from scratch. I’m enjoying the final nights of the Christmas tree lit and watching Netflix. I may not have gotten married or engaged in 2013, gotten my master’s degree or toured Ireland, but I managed to survive last year without a trip to the hospital, pull off some miracles in school, and made some new friends.

I need to remind myself that no matter what I do in 2014 I need to take it the same way as was successful in 2013…a day at a time.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West

Friend Invantory

Normally I try to leave out the little details about whose who and what’s what in my life because it’s BORING to you if you’re not familiarized with it, but I just can’t help but need to vent to something other than my paper journal today. Forgive me?

Lucy and Chris are my best friends, though lately neither has been there for me. I’ve been needing support lately in this depressive swoop. My insurance runs out shortly so I can’t even really see my doctor and have her adjust my medication just yet. Lucy is busy with Jenny, her other best friend, or more like her only best friend these days, Jenny’s back full force in her life now that she’s single and it makes me sick to see all their lovey dovey best friend posts on facebook. Meanwhile, Chris is in Washington sending more snapchat’s then texts. It’s hard to open up to Nikki because she’s such a quiet person and Lisa I feel is more family than best friend though we’re very close and I love her children. Angela is dealing with her own very messy life and the rest of my friends I care about, but feel highly disconnected from. At least lately, I feel disconnected from the world. That’s why I’ve been drowning myself in video games, to distract myself from reality, but it sinks in mornings like this when I’ve gotten very little sleep and it’s so close to a holiday.

There’s no holiday I get more emotional about than Christmas. It’s very special to me, and I spent hours putting up decorations to celebrate. It’s going to break my heart like it does every year to take them all down. The time just flies by too quickly and I feel like I don’t spend enough time in front of the Christmas tree admiring it. Every Christmas Eve it’s a tradition for me to write a note to Santa with milk and cookies out thanking him for my parents and all they do for me. I go back to school on January 7th, only three classes, but I’m nervous to talk to my adviser about my Capstone which I also need to complete. I feel like he won’t recognize/remember me. It may be an imaginary fear but it’s one that’s going to eat away at me until I face it. I’ve started journaling in the notebook entitled “IT’S GONNA BE OKAY” Lisa got me from modcloth. I got scared I wouldn’t WordPress as much with it, but more it’s for stream of thought thinking in all the in-between time. I need to go through all the blogs I follow and catch up with everyone, I feel like it’s a weight on my shoulders every time I log into WordPress now. God I’ve got a lot of issues at the moment. I’m even anxious about going to see my friend Suzanne who I dogsit for when she just wants to give me a gift. Geez. Somebody slap me.

If you want the rainbow

You must have the rain. A VERY special thank you to my WordPress family for the much needed support.

I have plenty to do this week. I spent 8 hours decorating grandma’s house for Christmas today which was fun and fulfilling. Pictures below!

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And now off to war!

How anxiety is robbing me

When I was a little girl my dad would give me money to buy extra milk or an ice cream at McDonald’s, but he’d have me get it myself. I was terrified and usually didn’t want to walk the 20 feet away in the mall from my watching parents to do it. I regret it now. How much dairy I could have enjoyed.

I thought about it today when I fought my social anxiety with all my might running to Walgreens and Costco for my dad. How much time I spend losing my mind over simple things. I suppose all my life I’ve been in this state of anxiety and it surely dosen`t help me any.

I miss my basement. It’s dad’s office space now but used to be my private abode where I could work out and dance, recline with blankets and watch Netflix marathons. I was anxiety free in the basement.

One thing that lessens my anxiety is Christmas decor in the house. I plan on cleaning up tomorrow before school in order to get the house ready for decorations right after thanksgiving. The longer the Christmas spirit lingers in the house, the happier I am.

I put my two weeks notice in at work today. I pray my interview comes soon and I get the job. I’ll be taking my first step into real adulthood, the full time job. I hope I can handle life. I wish I could live on disability checks forever.

Life feels empty. No reason or rhyme in particular. I’ve been particularly social lately but not happy doing it. It’s hard to fake smile. Not to be overly dramatic, but it’s the tears of a clown, when there’s no one around, ohh yeah baby.

What is your mood today? 60
How are you feeling physically? Lethargic
And emotionally? Anxious
What are your goals for tomorrow? Clean the house in order to put up Christmas decorations.