It’s been a long night. After I concealed the puffy circles under my eyes I went in to take my test and I knew EVERY ANSWER (except for maybe 2, but out of 50 that’s not bad). I was the first one to finish which had me both confident but a little apprehensive.
On the way home I listened to loud music. I found some old CD’s Chris and I bought together from a record store and put in the one with the best beats that made my car sound like I had a system. I was relishing in my adrenaline from the test. Then I started to wear out by the time I got home 50 minutes later from school.
Then after a couple hours of worrying I did something really big. I broke it to my folks that I won’t be graduating this Spring because the teacher gave my presentation a 0 and wouldn’t accept a doctors note and the Dean sided with her decision. I bawled my eyes out and unlike the response I was expecting, both parents (one which I had waken from bed) said to do better next time and it’s alright and they still love me (after minutes of me wailing that I was sorry I was sick and a failure and I’m sorry they didn’t have a better child). Eventually I calmed down, and felt 10,000 times better that I finally got it in the open. I even applied for a job as a DSP (Direct Service Professional) in the Chicagoland area and we’ll see if I get a call back for that. In the meantime I’m going to put all my effort into getting A’s in my other two classes.
As I was laying in bed I remembered something that happened back when I was finishing up the crying session in the car. I was looking for a pen to take my test with and shuffling through my purse for about a minute when I pulled out a child’s tea set spoon, lavender to be exact. It came rushing back to me that Izzy, the 5 year old I take care of, gave it to me last time I saw her (a week ag0). She had originally wanted me to keep a teacup but I told her she might need that so she insisted on a spoon which I told her I would keep with me all the time and, I have. It reminded me how much I’m loved, and after such a rough day was the kind of sweet thing I needed to savor.
I have plans to see one of my best friends on Saturday for breakfast and maybe a walk in the forest preserve, weather permitting. As long as we don’t get brutally murdered on our walk I have dogsitting coming back up and 2 papers due next Tuesday.
I am immeasurably temperamental and spastic when I do not take my Luvox. I can’t find the bottle and won’t see the doctor until Friday so until then I need to realize everything is actually okay and there’s no need to rage at little things and remember how to breathe, I sometimes forget how without Luvox. I also get paranoid at things like someone is watching me through the vents or hiding under the bed. Obsessive thoughts are both embarrassing and terrifying. Makes you realize how important your medication is.
I’m dog sitting for 10 days and feeling lonely in the house. I looked at the brand of lipstick this lady is using nowadays and find out it’s fifty dollars a tube. I hope to make it so good one day financially that I can live with high end products in my bathrooms.
Speaking of makeup, I bought a Borghese foundation today which is literally the best foundation ever. It’s light with full coverage, and keeps my skin matte all day. I have real oily crappy skin that disagrees with all other foundations. I almost bought some other things but I’m trying to save my money, even though I paid all my bills for next month already thanks to this paycheck.
Monday I tutor, last week they were not monsters which was a treat. Tuesday is my night class. Wednesday I get my ADD testing results and Friday is the psych appointment. I’m hoping one of the drugs if not multiple I need to acquire this week will give me what I need to get over my fears and visit my advisor about the big project I need to accomplish before the end of the semester so I can graduate. Time is ticking.
I’m freezing by the way. All winters in Chicago blow, but temperature wise this is THE worst. I’d rather have that winter back with the huge snow storm. At least it didn’t screw with my car running.i
I’m like a raw defrosting steak right now. Sometime soon I can feel myself ready to roll around in a marinade or a dry rub but the past couple weeks I’ve spent my time on somebody’s counter shaking off the freezer burn.
I’m watching the old Goosebumps TV Show on Netflix and it’s tripping me out. I loved the 1990’s so damn much and had such a radical childhood. Now life is full of Bipolar Disorder and College (stress). Relationships that span years of complication and cleaning. I remember once playing outside in the sprinkler and then rushing in to watch Stick Stickly. Nickelodeon was the Eden of TV lands. I read every Goosebumps book in the R. L. Stine prime age. We had kiddie pool’s in the backyard. I ate Disney ice cream with sweet tarts, once in a while I’d sneak one while my mom was cleaning. I never went to summer camp, I enjoyed school and got good grades, I never imagined I’d be a pet care provider and always asked Santa for a dog. I opened up Pound Puppies and Littlest Pet Shop Christmas morning. I loved life to the fullest.
Now I’m a scared, anxious person who has trouble getting myself to see friends and struggles in school. My best friend is not the same. I have trouble keeping up with my best friend now because I spend so much time isolating. I don’t have the patience to sit there and finish a video game. My family doesn’t gather round to watch when we start up a video game. We spend most of the time in separate rooms. My sister is a completely different person. Likely she turned autistic because of a vaccination.
So who can blame me if I’d like to re-live some of the 90’s? Here are some shows I’d like to re-watch that are hopefully on Netflix. Hey Arnold! Hey Dude. Ahhh!!! Real Monsters. The Adventures of Pete & Pete. All That. Animorphs. Are you Afraid of the Dark? Double Dare. Doug. KaBlam! Rocko’s Modern Life. Salute Your Shorts. Rugrats. The Secret World of Alex Mack. What Would You Do? Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Maybe this’ll help bring me out of my slump.
I’m watching the end of the Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsey Lohan. I wish she wasn’t a giant spaz, my childhood was made up of her movies, lastly being that one. I saw it in the Wisconsin Dells with my family one night when we needed a break from the heat at this tremendous movie theater and I wept quietly at the end and made sure no one saw me doing it. It was that turn of the century for me moment just weeks before I would become a living vegetable with full blown Lyme Disease symptoms and no idea why I would cry so easily and like a baby at things like dropping my toothbrush let alone a heartfelt moment where Anna gives a speech for her mom. Now every time I see that movie its double the emotional punch, and still makes me a little teary eyed because no matter how much Lamictal I’m taking I’m still a sucker.
Finals are over which is a nice feeling but I’m waiting upon my grades now and there’s only one class I’m nervous about; once I find out what my grade is in that class I’ll be able to adjust accordingly.
I started playing World of Warcraft again. It would give me an excuse to go to Ignite (gaming cafe) but I can’t face those people in that community right now after having gained so much weight after a year, it’d just be severely embarrassing and who cares if the reason is that you were on Depakote and it made you gain 80lbs? You STILL GAINED 80 LBS and that’s what’s problematic. I’m hoping to lose some of this weight over my winter break.
My friends (new and old) have become really important to me the past month, and keeping in touch with them daily has been on my to-do list. So far I’ve been alright at it too. I think I could be better if I wasn’t so damn depressed. It’s not paralyzing this time through, but it is pretty devastating to my energy level.
I need to somehow shake this negativity.
My nerves are shot. There’s holes in them. The one class I loved the most this semester is over and I’ve got two classes left to conquer. I feel like I could either choke and die a horrible death or fly south like a bird for the winter. Either way I’ll be fighting the good fight and putting my best foot forward. I feel as though I’ll be relieved after my test tomorrow, for then it won’t be in my control anymore and I won’t have to feel those anticipatory nerves. Extra nerves are never good on top of your already shot ones! It’s just a mess then you see, a mess!
Anyways, I wrote a nice e-mail to my teacher saying thank you for the class, I was bolder than I thought I’d be. “Just wanted to say I’ll check in with you at the end of the break just to say hi, it’d be a shame if you ended up not remembering me so I’m going to have to keep in touch. I only care because you are officially one of my favorite professors ever and a super human being. You’ve been so supportive this semester and I couldn’t have succeeded as much as I did without your support. It makes me sad I’m not a freshman looking for Intro to Cultural Anthropology next semester! I’m sure you’ll do an equally as awesome job and inspire another student or two or five or all of them. I’m a psych major and done with my minor classes this semester anyways so I wouldn’t be seeing you even if you were teaching another elective. However like I said, I’ll keep in touch and I hope you will respond! Just in case you don’t, have a wonderful rest of your life, and start by having a fantastic break.”
I’m glad I pulled out of my depressive slump somewhat and am just in interepisode insanity rather than one pole or the other kind of insanity. I made some really sweet friends this semester and kept the one I made last semester too. I’m managing to be okay at this friend thing, and now I have a ton of WordPress friends to keep an eye on as well. I plan on making a list (and checking it twice) of all the bloggers I want to spend time checking in on so I don’t miss anybody whose not right up in my face every time I get online. I feel like that’ll at least relieve some anxiety. (Give into the obsession with the compulsion!)
Deep breaths Barbie doll, the next chapter of your life will begin soon.