And it’s making dieting really hard.
And it’s making dieting really hard.
I’ve finally been able to sleep a little. Klonopin (which I have only a few of I borrowed from a friend since I’m out) and Valerian tea right before bedtime have helped me to knock out fast enough that I don’t need to worry about my breathing problems until I’m in a full out hissy fit panic about not being able to breathe. The bottled oxygen my dad ordered for me also came in the mail, which will be useful to sleep with. Like an aluminum teddy bear. Two nights ago i had a hefty cup of tea and last night I had a Klonopin which knocked me out pretty good. My psychiatrist told me once he gives Klonopin to old ladies to help them sleep. At the time I thought that was pretty depressing, but whatever works now it seems.
I’ve got to adjust the school train so that it’s running without too many stops. I’m the only one whose supposed to be taking this train here, so when I get to an empty stop I just get sad, that we even stopped to begin with. Today I’m going to work my hardest in class and finish my homework before school that I can only do at a school computer. It’s not the act of doing the assignment that gives me the anxiety, it’s the ‘when can I go in early enough but not too early or late to finish the assignment before class begins?’ I believe it’s likely if I were a sailor scout I’d be Pluto so I could be in control of time. It’s not even that I want to get off, I just want to take a break here and there, and that’s why I got back to finishing Season 3 of Sailor Moon and taking 20 min-1 hour walks. Speaking of Sailor Moon, I created a tumblr as a strict fandom website. http://seasonsofsailormoon.tumblr.com/ I personally think my site is superior to those of all the other Sailor Moon fansites out there on tumblr, but I suppose it’s all a matter of taste.
On an off note, I’m at a stable weight even after eating a few more calories than normal yesterday. Today I’m back to being very strict and hoping to lose a pound by tomorrow. These are some clothes I’d like to get (my style) when I’ve lost at least fifty or so more pounds.
I made breakfast in a rush. I was starving. I mean I couldn’t make food fast enough. It was like driving home while having to pee.
And I have a ton of calories left for the day!
Is a lot like this.
Don’t deny it, you’ve seen somebody somewhere overweight or otherwise you’ve totally made fun of or not wanted to see on the dance floor.
Which is why I gave up dancing in public for now. Because I can feel the eyes and all I think is:
But when I reach my healthy weight goal I can’t wait to pick dancing back up.
Show all the boys what they’ve been missin’.
I’ve been counting my calories (1500 a day) and being really careful but I still am only slowly doing the whole working out thing. It’ hard when you’re fat, busy, and have thyroid disease. Overall an hour a day is a LOT of time to put aside and make yourself sweaty and worn out from WALKING. In fact, today I was sick and I skipped my walk. I feel REALLY guilty about it, so I might aim for some crunches before bed even though my fat gets in the way of that kind of thing.
I did lose 5lbs by day 7…
But it’s been hard.
And though I’m proud of myself…
I’m frustrated today.
But we all have our struggles.
And weight loss is a huge one.
Especially with school, work, and illness all chipping away at my willpower.
But I’m planning on losing 3 more lbs this week and keeping the prior 5 off.
Wish me luck.
Dad and I went for a 2 hour walk today. I took some pictures of both him and the scenery. Day 4 of my diet and exercise program and I’ve lost 3lbs total this week. I’m still violently depressed after realizing just how fat I’ve gotten, but at the rate of losing about a pound a day or two, I may be able to melt the first stage of this juicing/vegetarian thing away. I’m scared when I eat meat again that it won’t hold well in me. It happened to a friend of my moms back in the day. I’ve left myself with spare calories the past couple days and it feels good to be a calorie counting walking full time student who works three days a week. I have a lot going for me now that I didn’t surely before, and though my anxiety is still pretty paralyzing I’m in better emotional shape than I have been in years. Now when I lose all this weight and get in good PHYSICAL shape I’m totally going to learn to dance hip-hop style.