Welp, I messaged Chris on facebook, asking him how his day was because how more neutrally can you strike up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in months? Aaaaannnnd he asked if it was a good idea for us to be communicating. So I said ‘Who knows. Guess we won’t tonight.” And that’s that. Serious sadness. Farewell to that relationship probably forever considering that response. His loss, right?
The equivalent of going up to the door as Ana from Frozen and asking, “Do you want to build a snowman?” “Okay, bye…” (By the way, that song, completely made me want to cry. It’s a prime example of why I hate children/family movies, they squeeze your emotions out VERY well). To make matters worse, when I was watching the movie with Izzy and the kids last week I couldn’t help but remember when Chris and I saw Tangled and we were shocked and pleasantly surprised, one of the few people in the really old, small theater with uncomfortable chairs…I really cherish that memory. Makes my eyes watery recalling it every time the way things are now.
If that thought weighed my head down, what turns my frown around is that it turns out that test that I was so unsure of and then ended up finishing first and feeling good about last week, I got a 49/50 on. What a great feeling in the midst of feeling anxious and depressed as EFF.
Tuesday is now over so three more official days with the dogs. My sleep schedule has gone completely to hell. Bedtime has been around 8-9am while watching mind numbing TV. My Seroquel used to put me out light a light within an hour or two the longest and now it doesn’t do a thing for me. I’ve got so much anxiety balled up about calling the doctor though that it’s fueling the fire inside. The vicious icy blue fire that freezes and I have a hard time controlling. (Like Elsa! I guess maybe I should re-name this post, ‘Let it Go’ considering all the messages so far).
I never even fished watching Frozen yet. The kids were awful last week and I turned the movie off. Just a sample of my depressed persons world is having my heart sink the first quarter of that movie with all the depressing stuff that happens (which is, to be expected, typical Disney recipe for plot building). I think the worst part is that entire growing up, “Do you want to build a snowman?” song that I referenced a couple paragraphs ago. Izzy, whose 5, kept looking over at my facial expressions and worriedly would say things like, “it’s still a good movie!”
My family called today to check on me this morning and I was in such a slump it was WORK to talk to them. I wanted to spend the time on the phone but when they were asking me how I was feeling it wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear. Depressed, tired, my chest and stomach hurt (“probably stress” – mom) and I just don’t ‘feel good’. My dad helped me out a LOT with the assignment I needed to turn in today which I REALLY appreciate. I’ve been more connected with the family emotionally since adult day hospital began, one of the good things that came of it. I just hate letting them down, I’m more honest with them about how I’m feeling than I am with my close friends and I like to think I’m pretty honest about how I’m feeling, perhaps I just tend to be in my rawest form when I tell my family I’m emotionally not feeling well, and they can pick up on it whether or not I say anything.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It’s like you’ve gone away-
We used to be best buddies
And now we’re not
I wish you would tell me why!-
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman…”