Half in the Bag

My emotions are half in the bag. I’ve been doing things WAY out of the ordinary which is both good (I think) and concerning (maybe mania). For instance, I visited Lisa at work and had dinner by myself. I managed to appreciate the fact that everyone at the bar was there by themselves having dinner or something like it BY THEMSELVES. That freaks me out in theory. And there I went and did it. She asked me if I could do her a favor and again as much as I would have done it regardless of my horrific anxiety, I went out confidently and looked at 2 stores to find a little girls Bears jersey for her daughter. Completely out of my element, and not myself tonight. Brittnay is coming up with all of these opportunities to hang out too and though I’m super glad she finds me a cool enough person to do all this stuff with her I’m utterly terrified, but going with the flow. Then there is the utter bone rattling fear that my friends I haven’t heard from for a little or don’t talk to on the daily aren’t interested in me anymore, or are upset with me about something or other. Then there’s the other side of that which is family, where I fear I’ll never reach out to them the way I want to. There’s the depressed end of my mixed episode.

I didn’t work at all this week. Either I was sick or boss asked me not to come in, but I didn’t come in at all and therefore made no money. Sunny owes me money for tutoring his kids, but that’ll barely help pay the bills for the month. As much as it’s in the back of my mind, it’s not eating away like acid through my stomach where my anxiety pitches its tent, and that’s another reason I’m worried. Manic symptoms include an irritable mood which I’ve been in for over a week (which has also been an elevated mood I’ve been in, it switches, I have mixed episodes to boot making it more complicated), Grandiose thinking (check), rapid talking (well I’m more talkative than usual), racing thoughts (number one concerning manic symptom I have right now) easily distracted (CHECK MATE, I couldn’t even focus in one of my classes so badly that I felt like the #1 worst student ever last friday), and risky behavior (which would do with my mismanaging of funds). So actually, I’m pretty sure I’m having a mild manic episode right now. Nothing dangerous has happened and nothing harmful, just a batch of highly toxic mental muffins being prepared. I might as well print this out and read it to my doctor tomorrow. Maybe we need to up my dose of Lamictal.

I’m REALLY looking forward to the doctor tomorrow. I wish my racing thoughts weren’t so problematic right now so I could work on Christmas cards and studying.


Red Wedding

I thought I dropped my phone in a sewer today and I completely spazzed out. It was in my purse.

Heard the Red Wedding on GoT was super gory, I was sort of boycotting the show because of the show/book discrepancies but hearing how the wedding went it makes me want to just suck it up and watch JUST so I can see it.



I went to this place called ‘Relax Center’ today which is a kind of reflexology joint. I heard good things about it on yelp so I went out of my way and fought bravely through the english barrier to get a 30 minute medium pressure reflexology body massage. Now I came out of that thing feeling pretty good, I think the guy did a lot HARDER pressure than I wanted and there were times I was straight up in pain, but thanks to social anxiety I didn’t say anything. This is a perfect example of how f-ing stupid it is.

In fact it took me a little over a month to even get in the parking lot of this place to go in there. I passed it by a few times to see if I’d get the courage but no, then one day I figured I’d just do it. I’ll save all the gory details of it for yelp, but honestly I was only able to feel relaxed for about 10 minutes and that includes during and after. My back hurts from all the pressure now and I hate that I didn’t speak up during. Also, I gave way too big a tip, which is okay because the guy was really nice and he looked like he was about to leave when he got ‘assigned’ to me and all…but still that was extra money I could have in my pocket.

So now I’m aching, and have been taking care of my mom whose had the flu the past few days, and feeling like I’M getting the flu, but at this point I know I’m not, it’s the transitional period getting off Depakote and getting on Abilify, then raising my Lamictal and keeping my Luvox the same. That carousel of drugs is making me feel awful. I can’t concentrate, I’m super hazy like someone that’s high and even have that ‘glazed over’ look to me. I have a VERY IMPORTANT research paper draft due tomorrow, and I’m not finished.

So here I am, up, working on this paper in spurts, maybe 70% finished which is an accomplishment I suppose, and physically miserable. That’s one reason I went to the Relax Center in fact today. My body is on and off nauseated and with a headache and achey and overall just in bad shape.

I’m starting to really get super anxious too because I’m supposed to hang out with a friend I haven’t seen in maybe 2 years now on Wednesday night, I have a presentation for Social Psych on Wednesday afternoon, and Friday I’m seeing one of my best friends, then Saturday seeing another of my best friends, and because my body chemistry is so jacked I don’t feel like I’ll be comfortable seeing ANY of these people. Mind you I BARELY get out to see my friend Lucy once a week and even that is anxiety provoking sometimes depending on my anxiety level. That being said I suppose it’s a brave week.

I’m making friends with a very brand new person who kind of stumbled in my life too. A girl from one of my classes who is also Bipolar and super wonderful but I’m terrified I’ll act too normal and friendly around her and she won’t be interested in being friends anymore because she’ll not be as interested as I was…if that made sense?

I’ve also been so bold as to try to get ahold of old friends of mine who are married and see if they want to get together. I know both are incredibly busy and homebodies but it’s taking years off my life every time this year I’ve mentioned something like that, even offering to take them out to dinner, and had NO reply. Caring for people is a deadly virus.

So there you go, PHENOMENAL COSMIC ANXIETY, itty bitty living space.