hypothermia

The lights being off I think I’m hearing one of the dogs lick her chops, but then comes the methodical heaving and I wonder if she threw up on the kitchen floor. Turns out it was the stairs and. It was nothing but bile. She hasn’t eaten all day and it’s likely her owner said that she’s eaten another sock. I wonder if her owner will be home in time to pull the undigested thing out of her rear or if I’ll be stuck doing it. Horrified,  confused and stuck. Not my most glamorous job, but being a pet sitter can be dirty work.

 Dirty and cold. The thermostat is busted and all i I’ve got to keep warm in is one worn, fleece blanket that smells of body odor.  I write buried under it on the couch which is equally as uncomfortable as the bed.

I got my first meet and greet request on dogvacay.com. It’s for Monday.  Not sure yet how it all works. I’ve deactivated my account on that joke of a site care.com.

Overall, as much as I do this because I love animals,  I also do it because it pays the bills and my month long hypomanic spree has generated plenty.

My latest obsession has been magic cards and then there’s my acoustic bass. I don’t regret my spending decisions but I regret spending.  I don’t hardly have the money for this and by this I mean hypomania. I’ve been taste testing depression here and there and expect a crash that leaves a crater traveling at such high speeds.

When I feel the drop at least I’ll be able to sleep. I miss sleep.

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Am I crashing, will I crash or am I still hypomanic?

BUYING THINGS, SELLING THINGS:

The big tendency to spend spend spend that I can’t kick when I’m hypomanic I at least give a bow to that I buy quality things. For a while it was food, which was more of a self destructive thing as it was nothing healthy nor did I feel good eating it. Then it was makeup (Urban Decay, Smashbox, MAC) just for me to then get obsessive and organize out everything I’ll use regularly versus what I’ll use occasionally versus why do I even have this…and then plug up my purse with only exactly what I ‘need’ for regular use (See the next paragraph for extra stupid makeup information). Then I went splurging on clothes that FIT my fatty body while I quest to lose weight. Now I’m stylin’ and thankfully even though I did go a little overboard and got more than I needed, I got some good deals doing it and I’ve been WEARING all the clothes rather than having them and then being like ‘oops I don’t ever feel like wearing this…ever.’ After clothes and makeup came the bag splurge and after that came a request to make ‘Light Blue’ type cologne for my friend’s friend. So then I ended up going overboard buying perfume making supplies, and I just hope I stick to the recipes, make everything and have enough bottles to put it all in, and then SELL it. I always spaz when it comes to selling online because I never know what price to put for shipping…and then I have no faith in MYSELF not even my WELL MADE products, that they’ll sell. I just have so many negative thoughts that’s why I don’t run a side business making soaps, shaving cremes, lotions, perfumes, etc.

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FINDING EQUILIBRIUM:

My chemical imbalance has taken out it’s rage on how heavy my bag is. Questions that are kind of scary to consider have been haunting me (less and less the more equilibrium I get) are all in regards to what bare minimum can I carry around so my bag isn’t too heavy. What kind of bags inside of my big bag can I carry? How many is too many? Oops, let’s take out all the bags, okay let’s put the first bag back in but not a bag in that bag so it’s all free standing, oh lets not put in all of your hair accessories and jewelry, oops let’s get rid of something else in the bag that would be a few oz so you could have that headband in there…Is it too heavy? Is it too LIGHT? It honestly can’t be either or the little happy fighting thoughts won’t knock it off. The bag that I bought off of ModCloth that I was originally going to use as a tote I’m too scared to return because I’d have to go to the post office and all that, so I’m using that to hold the MANY books I tutor with. I’ll just keep that in the car and it’ll make it easier not to have so much weight on my original purse especially since I don’t carry those books around with me ALL week. After I came to that conclusion I was able to stop messing with all of it. Hopefully completely for a while, because I’m never done obsessing over my purse innards. It’s something that just boomerangs through my synapses.

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PHOTOGRAPHY

It feels good to put up pictures but then I think negatively over what people think of them. I feel that I’m a great photographer, but I feel like there are so many great photographers out there that it’s hard to keep up. It IS a hobby and not a career but it IS something I’m tremendously passionate about, and that’s why I get so aggressive over it. Since I have no lab to develop my TRI-X b&w film at anymore, I’ve taken to another splurge. I at least made my purchase on ebay, a 4 lens lomography camera. It should be REALLY fun to play with, and I still get to be a film stickler and use my 35mm.

OHLIFE

http://ohlife.com/is my newest internet find. I plan on using this as my journal rather than my blog, so that I can keep all the little spazzy details to myself and try to crank out solid bipolar barbie posts to keep you in an infected mind without giving away too much personal junk you don’t need. Ahhh the neverending fighting for perfection.

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Hyposleepia

Here we go again. Third night in the row interrupted sleep. At least I could sleep for a couple hours. Laying in bed tossing and turning with aching body doesn’t count. An overtired body that lives with an alert mind. How excited I was in my dream that I was rich with this big house, and an entire different life, but then the anxiety why are all these girls so possessive of me, and how do they know me? What’s with the chick whose the most possessive of all and says we’re sisters or related in some tight way yet the only memories I have are of my ‘step family’ (she prefers me call them that than my ‘other family’ which upsets her every time)

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“I just feel bad for you” I say to myself as my touch is hypersensitive. Maybe I need to detox. Too much medicine heavy on the liver. My mind is starting to knock out now, black outs but as soon as I put my head down in what SHOULD be a comfortable position Im’ screwed. Apparently I bit the side of my mouth while I was sleeping and I have that to deal with too. And a dry mouth. I had 2 glasses of orange juice, and now I should get some water but I can barely function. When I stand up it’s like I’ll fall down. You know I called the cops on those possessive girls who were getting CRAZY over me in my dream.

18 Extremely Sleepy Animals

I need to stop extraneous spending. Lines of credit open destroyed my self control and I splurged yet again this past week when my symptoms of hypomania flared back up and I bought a bunch of MAC products and a 50 dollar dinner for my best friend. I can’t do that even if it’s on credit. But especially debit. I need enough in there for my phone bill in a week and a half to take out. I did make payments on my credit cards. Doing my best to keep my shit together even though I’m all over the place.

18 Extremely Sleepy Animals

Need to meet my friend Angela’s friend Shelly. We’ll be the sisterhood of the traveling bipolar pants. My friend Geeg I need to keep in better contact with this week too. Last time I called her I was on a job. I need another job coming up. And speaking of jobs I’m not in the mood to be responsible tonight and tutor 3 people for 3 hours. I wish I had a bullshit excuse to call it off, but I get PAID tomorrow which makes it much more worthwhile. Maybe I can still re-schedule it for friday.

18 Extremely Sleepy Animals

I’m wearing the birthstone of my best friend, and my other best friend has the same birth stone as me, and my other other best friend has an aquamarine birth stone I need a ring for the other finger and I’ll be feeling perfectly fancy. I wonder if Geeg shares a birthstone with anyone else. I’m running out of room for rings. Maybe tomorrow or the day after I’ll feel brave and check out a Nordstrom Rack. But then again, there goes spending right? My face is breaking out. My thoughts are like this in my journal but less organized. Did you know in APA style you put two spaces between each sentence? That’s so awesome. My favorite part.

18 Extremely Sleepy Animals

One after the other. If I had the energy I’d finish cleaning again. I went on a binge clean a couple nights ago. More evidence of hypomania, these grandiose projects of mine. Clean entire home and bring heavy furniture downstairs while family is sleeping, take all photos in summer facebook album, save them on your phone, edit them with the new editing software adding frames and such and then put them all back and delete old album, going through nearly 100 artists from last.fm to spotify to see if I like any new music. My eyes are stinging.

18 Extremely Sleepy Animals

This is my mind right now. Race race race. Race to the nonexistent finish line.

18 Extremely Sleepy Animals

#TheCarouselOfDrugs

I went to this place called ‘Relax Center’ today which is a kind of reflexology joint. I heard good things about it on yelp so I went out of my way and fought bravely through the english barrier to get a 30 minute medium pressure reflexology body massage. Now I came out of that thing feeling pretty good, I think the guy did a lot HARDER pressure than I wanted and there were times I was straight up in pain, but thanks to social anxiety I didn’t say anything. This is a perfect example of how f-ing stupid it is.

In fact it took me a little over a month to even get in the parking lot of this place to go in there. I passed it by a few times to see if I’d get the courage but no, then one day I figured I’d just do it. I’ll save all the gory details of it for yelp, but honestly I was only able to feel relaxed for about 10 minutes and that includes during and after. My back hurts from all the pressure now and I hate that I didn’t speak up during. Also, I gave way too big a tip, which is okay because the guy was really nice and he looked like he was about to leave when he got ‘assigned’ to me and all…but still that was extra money I could have in my pocket.

So now I’m aching, and have been taking care of my mom whose had the flu the past few days, and feeling like I’M getting the flu, but at this point I know I’m not, it’s the transitional period getting off Depakote and getting on Abilify, then raising my Lamictal and keeping my Luvox the same. That carousel of drugs is making me feel awful. I can’t concentrate, I’m super hazy like someone that’s high and even have that ‘glazed over’ look to me. I have a VERY IMPORTANT research paper draft due tomorrow, and I’m not finished.

So here I am, up, working on this paper in spurts, maybe 70% finished which is an accomplishment I suppose, and physically miserable. That’s one reason I went to the Relax Center in fact today. My body is on and off nauseated and with a headache and achey and overall just in bad shape.

I’m starting to really get super anxious too because I’m supposed to hang out with a friend I haven’t seen in maybe 2 years now on Wednesday night, I have a presentation for Social Psych on Wednesday afternoon, and Friday I’m seeing one of my best friends, then Saturday seeing another of my best friends, and because my body chemistry is so jacked I don’t feel like I’ll be comfortable seeing ANY of these people. Mind you I BARELY get out to see my friend Lucy once a week and even that is anxiety provoking sometimes depending on my anxiety level. That being said I suppose it’s a brave week.

I’m making friends with a very brand new person who kind of stumbled in my life too. A girl from one of my classes who is also Bipolar and super wonderful but I’m terrified I’ll act too normal and friendly around her and she won’t be interested in being friends anymore because she’ll not be as interested as I was…if that made sense?

I’ve also been so bold as to try to get ahold of old friends of mine who are married and see if they want to get together. I know both are incredibly busy and homebodies but it’s taking years off my life every time this year I’ve mentioned something like that, even offering to take them out to dinner, and had NO reply. Caring for people is a deadly virus.

So there you go, PHENOMENAL COSMIC ANXIETY, itty bitty living space.