Can’t sleep? Torture yourself!

Facebook is funny. It reminds me how afraid I am of forgetting. I remember when Myspace was still king and only college kids could use Facebook. I was working a summer job when my friends there helped me set one up and I barely used it. Now look at me. One of my go-to time killing, brain numbing activities. Usually facespace is a ride into the past. Like how I clicked on my friends profile whose e-mail I haven’t gotten back to in a month because my brain is moosh and I was having a mixed episode (I should really get on that e-mail). I poked around on her page, saw a ghost of a name post something on one of her status’.

I’m beginning to sound like a teenage girl giving gossip about some really obscure person my best friends dog’s neighbor knew, but bear with me. As I clicked on Kevin’s page I fell into the overly emotional ocean at the end of memory lane. Good thing I’m doped up on mood stabilizers because nostalgia makes my eyes wet. Kevin’s in a field that put what he went to college for at work. He’s still good friends with Adam and his twin. Adam still does Kung Fu and apparently had Cancer. Click. Click. Click. Going through the rounds of all the faces and names I remember and for the sake of never wanting to forget anything have to write down, if not just the names. (Without access to a journal at those times I cringe).

That was the old ‘crew’ from my early college days when I would visit my then boyfriend at his school. It was an hour away from home and a beautiful trip on a long strip of highway with no lights. I’d listen to Jimmy Eat World at 3am with the windows down, trying to stay awake and contemplate my future and struggles. That was the time of parties and booze and dying my hair fire engine red. I wasn’t that anxious in those early days, that was before my diagnosis. Being manic at a college party and crashing at your boyfriends apartment is fun as hell, let me tell you. It wasn’t all fun and games, but it was a chapter of my life I don’t want to forget. (Mind you for a good while I did.) I feel like things then, and really at any other time in my past were more eventful than they are now. Even being agoraphobic in my friend’s basement for the good part of a year was more memorable than the here and now. That early college chapter set footing for another and one after that and now Jimmy’s married and in the army and I’m here…wherever, “here” is.

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How anxiety is robbing me

When I was a little girl my dad would give me money to buy extra milk or an ice cream at McDonald’s, but he’d have me get it myself. I was terrified and usually didn’t want to walk the 20 feet away in the mall from my watching parents to do it. I regret it now. How much dairy I could have enjoyed.

I thought about it today when I fought my social anxiety with all my might running to Walgreens and Costco for my dad. How much time I spend losing my mind over simple things. I suppose all my life I’ve been in this state of anxiety and it surely dosen`t help me any.

I miss my basement. It’s dad’s office space now but used to be my private abode where I could work out and dance, recline with blankets and watch Netflix marathons. I was anxiety free in the basement.

One thing that lessens my anxiety is Christmas decor in the house. I plan on cleaning up tomorrow before school in order to get the house ready for decorations right after thanksgiving. The longer the Christmas spirit lingers in the house, the happier I am.

I put my two weeks notice in at work today. I pray my interview comes soon and I get the job. I’ll be taking my first step into real adulthood, the full time job. I hope I can handle life. I wish I could live on disability checks forever.

Life feels empty. No reason or rhyme in particular. I’ve been particularly social lately but not happy doing it. It’s hard to fake smile. Not to be overly dramatic, but it’s the tears of a clown, when there’s no one around, ohh yeah baby.

What is your mood today? 60
How are you feeling physically? Lethargic
And emotionally? Anxious
What are your goals for tomorrow? Clean the house in order to put up Christmas decorations.