Mental Health App Review: Pacifica

The Pacifica app is a new find with a bit of everything to track and treat your mental health on the go. There are some great aspects of this well rounded app and some things I’d like to see improved. If you want the condensed version, Yes. I would recommend this to a friend.

What you’ll see first is the “Mood” screen. You can log your mood between “great” and “awful”. If you’d like, you have the availability to write in details associated with the logged mood. From this page you can also quickly navigate to a journal/thought log which you can do a minimalist version of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is recorded and can be referred back to.

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This feature allows you to write a distressing thought, highlight the inaccurate or negative parts of the thought/feeling and recognize the cognitive distortions. What I appreciate about this bit of the app is that while it’s on my phone, I can conveniently plug in my negative or obsessive thoughts without having to scribble them down elsewhere and then transfer them to a journal I keep specifically for CBT. Seeing as how it’s usually too much of a hassle to keep my CBT logs together I don’t do them, this allows me to have them in some form. Cool, right? What I don’t like is that if you want to go back to edit the thought later, there is no option to.

There is also a Goals section. You can choose a long term goal (mine is “feel less stress or anxiety in social situations”) and choose daily goals. Write your own or pick from a large selection of pre-made challenges such as ‘sit in the front during class or a meeting’. There’s a tab that logs your completed challenges. Though this is nice in concept,

The Health section allows you to decide what goals you’d like to meet for yourself every day to stay well. Hours of sleep, minutes exercising, etc. If midnight rolls around and you forgot to check in, you can tap back a day and fill out the information (this feature is unavailable on the website). This is great for folks like me who tend to neglect remembering to fill it out until 12:02am and then have to back up.

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Social aspects of the app include Groups (“Groups are private chats centered around peer support”), and Community, which is more of a forum than a chat room. Again these are great concepts. I feel that Groups lacks the depth it could have. With hundreds of members in a 1 section chat room it’s hard to lose focus or let everyone have a turn like you can in a forum setting. However, in Community, which offers some more of that depth, it lacks in the availability of mental health support groups. I love that it has forum space for things like books and general community, but I would prefer to be in a forum about Bipolar Disorder (and OCD) rather than a chat room about it with people that tend to dominate the conversation and a lack of back to back chatter that makes a chat room a great place to communicate (you’ll see people responding every few hours or so instead of seconds).

For $3.99 a month you can unlock all of the meditations (“Relax Now”). There are 15 altogether. You get the first 4 free. I took the bait and gave them my money for a month and was able to review all of the meditations for you guys. I mean the only way to tell if they’re worth it for you personally is to try it, and I believe that they ought to give you a one month free trial option to begin with. I also think that one thing that would make a subscription worth it is if they were to give a different meditation every month or two. Even if they switched it out and gave a different one to replace it, I feel like I’d be on board for that subscription. For all the searching I’ve done for guided meditations, I find these pretty good. They’ve made fitting 5-20 minutes of meditation a day into my routine very easy. 1-5 a day is my goal, but the meditations don’t drag and are to the point which allows for the option of multiple before bedtime.

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Breathing is largely practiced across all meditations. Each meditation also has the opportunity to have either “No Soundscape” or any of these options to accompany the meditation: Ocean Waves, Thunderstorm, Summer Night, Rooftop Rain, Forest Morning, Bach Cello Suite #1, Underwater, White Noise. When the meditation is finished you can “return” or continue sounds. Minor interrupts are noticeable in some soundscapes when sound loop ends. They are most noticeable in the “unguided meditation” which I’ve found soothing to fall asleep to.

  1. Deep Breathing: (FREE) Text tells you when to inhale/exhale. There’s a visual that also widens/becomes smaller as inhaling and exhaling is prompted. You have the option to ‘play breathing sounds’. You can pick your breath length as well in 1 second increments (between 5-25 seconds – holy lord if you can do 25 second inhale/exhales).
  2. Unguided Meditation: (FREE) Just soundscapes here. Length between 5 and 30 minutes, increments of 1 minute. I tend to throw on 15 minutes of Ocean Waves and go to bed without anxiety of having not turned off the sounds. I love the timer option.
  3. Muscle Relaxation: (FREE) Tense up and release all over your body. One of the best ones.
  4. Mindful: Senses: (FREE) Grounding through the five senses. Guided attention from one sense to another. Good meditation.
  5. Mindful: Breathe: Awareness of body sensations while breathing. Attention to the fact your mind may wander and that it’s okay. What I like about THIS meditation in particular is that at the end you get some closure. It says when you’re ready to return to the space around you. They need this in more of them. The lack of ‘closure’ in some of these meditations is a big turn off for me.
  6. Mindful: Observe: Find a small physical object to hold in your hand during meditation. Focus on this item, guided examination of it, an open and closed eyes exercise. This would be a good soothing meditation in a public place with headphones if you were anxious.
  7. Mindful: Body Scan: Grounding through attention to your body in it’s environment. Virtually the same as the sleep meditation.
  8. Anxiety Emergency: Whereas other meditations start with breathing, this jumps first to tell you you’re going to be okay and these are just sensations that are real. “Trust you’re getting all the air you need in this moment.” Grounding using 5 senses. Good meditation. Then affirmations putting logic and control over anxious thoughts/sensations. I’m not a huge fan of all affirmations such as, “I am safe”. I mean I get it, but what if you’re not?! I think something like, “These thoughts can’t hurt me” would be better.
  9. Visualization: Pick your breath length before you start. It’s hard to navigate if you want to record your own mantra with the lack of instructions. They do have ones to choose from though if you’d prefer like, “This too shall pass” and, “I love myself”. Personally, not a fan of this one.
  10. Sleep: Focus on the body. Guided awareness of bodily sensations. I find muscle relaxation a superior meditation to achieve same end to sleep, personally.
  11. Gratitude: Focus on something you’re grateful for. ‘Analyze’ the goodness. Affirmations after. More generalizable than ‘cheesy’ self compassion mantras in later listed meditation. Nice relaxing exercise.
  12. Becoming the Tree: Visualize a tree you’re seen before with some significance. Attention to the environment that has an affect on the tree and how it stands strong regardless of environment. Tree goes through changes, so do you, blah blah blah. It’s decent.
  13. Difficult Experience: Visualize experience that brought up difficult emotions. Examples to help. Allow yourself not to suppress details and physical sensations. Label what you feel. Make it a physical item. I like this one a LOT, but the ending of it doesn’t make me feel super awesome. Perhaps I need more practice.
  14. Self Compassion: Environmental and inner state mindfulness. There’s a prompt to bring to mind something you’re self-critical about and bring attention to sensations in your body triggered by these thoughts then compassionate mantras.
  15. Intense Emotions: Focus’ on bringing attention to thoughts and feeling and to label them as being just that, while stressing that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. For someone feeling intense emotions, I’d recommend the anxiety or difficult experience meditations before this one, but it’s still a good listen.

Thanks for reading folks. Go on now, give it a try.

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Bipolar, OCD, and My Cousin’s Wedding

I went to my cousin’s wedding this past weekend out-of-state. If I could change one thing about myself it would be not to brood over things like she’s much younger than me, has known her fiance for a way shorter period of time than I’ve known my non-fiance, and has a picture perfect public relationship with him. Doting over each other and whatnot. Making productions of kisses. That’s just a clogged emotional artery though. Guilt that I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and just finishing up my undergrad, a semester behind my cousin, to add to the embarrassing feelings. Blood however is still pushing through my veins, and thank God for that.

Turns out I had a nice time, and got in some family bonding with extended family that I enjoyed very much. I took a million pictures and was proud they had good composition and decent lighting. Photography has been a hobby of mine for years now and though I don’t currently have a working nice camera, I still managed to use the technology available to take shots. The key is to keep snapping away, and then skim off the crap ones, then skim off the not so great ones, then keep the good ones but show off the great ones. In my opinion at least.

The night we arrived at the hotel I ran to a Walgreens to pick up a card after we ate a late dinner. (I went with my immediate family). I ended up bluntly exposing my feelings about why I wish I had a closer relationship with her (and it’s true, I wish I did). Mental illness was the key component, and the stigma revolving around the subject made me cringe and tear up while writing it.

This was the letter. She hasn’t read it yet as far as I know. They were busy all day and are going on their honeymoon in the morning. I both want her to read it and don’t. I’m scared of her reply. More so I’m scared to be let down by her reply.

“Dear C,

I am very proud of you. I remember little blips of walking down the hospital hallway to see you when you were first-born. I remember dominating bowls of black olive appetizers at your birthday parties at your old Chicago house and playing games like ‘Elefun’ in that living room.

Something old: childhood memories.

Then, to speed this up, you guys moved, later yet i got sick with Lyme and all my confidence flew away and I’ve spent the days since fighting major depression, ocd and bipolar disorder. There IS a point to this recap. You need to know that for those reasons, I have sabotaged my relationships with family and friends for years. It’s an enormous regret of mine that my little cousin is 21, a college grad and getting married i hardly know her. And you hardly know me!

Something borrowed: my ears are yours anytime. I’m a great secret keeper and of course a growing psychologist.

After grandpa died, one of my biggest fears was that if grandma passed away the BARBIE side of the family would fall apart. I’ve meant to start mending gaps and making up for lost time but how do you explain to a perfectly normal extended family  that you carry around a constant sadness and fear that’s not reasonable 90% of the time and it makes it hard to socialize with them because you’re super far from comfortable? Putting that out there for you right now is super terrifying. If you know though, maybe that’s the first step toward having a solid relationship.

Something blue and something new: the color you now know I secretly carry.

You’re about to start a brand new chapter of your life and I’m so happy for you. I felt that if I didn’t tell all that to you, you would never know on the happiest day of your life so far that your big cousin loves you so so much and always has.

Now get out there lady! Get married!!!

‘Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.’ -William Shakespeare”

Well that’s it. That’s what it was. Of all my impulsive ideas this one wasn’t so bad I suppose. Now if only I could use some of that impulsive energy to knock out so I get some rest tonight. Maybe after accomplishing as much as I did after we got home and additionally emptying my mind of all the thoughts I was saving up to get out, that’ll do the trick.

G’night moon, G’night stars, G’night WordPress.

Mood Poisoning

I got off the phone with my depressed best friend who hates his life and who feels that I’m doing nothing with mine, so I cried into my pillow for a half hour, and decided I’d blog my feelings out, because I’ve grown into a woman who can’t express hers to anyone anymore. It just causes disagreements, confrontations, and in both situations the arguing leads to absolutely nothing. I may even regret some of the feelings I’m having right now, but at least I didn’t waste time saying things I might regret, and then linger on it for a week(s), or month(s).

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Since May 9th, I’ve applied for 58 jobs. Job hunting is like fishing, you drown a lot of worms and lose a lot of cheese cubes before something bites, and when it does there’s not a 100% chance you’ll actually reel it in.

“Just get any ol’ job even if it’s not what you want to do, or part time.” Is collectively the bottom line of what I’ve heard from extended family and my very best friend. Repeatedly. I want to be a forensic psychologist, so I’ve already applied for 58 jobs I don’t really want to do. But who cares, right?

You need money so you can move out of your parents house and make something of yourself. Because you’re a big loser who does the same crap every day, right? Being a caretaker to your aging parents and your developmentally disabled sister, looking for a job, working out, finding a few hours to watch a show or book you like because you can’t stand how stuck you are and need an escape?

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Oh, you’ve been working out consistently for the past several days now that you’ve started and you took a day off? How dare you! You have to work out 7 days a week to make up for all the years that you didn’t work out, right? “If were working out I’d be ecstatic.”

You’re depressed all the time so you need to change your entire life immediately to remedy that, right? What am I supposed to do with the little in my bank account I scrounge together to pay my bills monthly? Go learn how to jet ski and enjoy the summer on Lake Michigan? Learn pottery? Study literature?

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You know, I would love to get my own place. I’m grateful to have a family willing to house me for free until I’m financially independent and through school as well as being there for me when I’m in dire need of them at the ends of my rope on both sides of my bipolar disorder. Without the bipolar and ocd life would be a hell of a lot easier. But boo hoo, change your attitude and take your western medication, right?

It was a common thing on both sides of my family to live at home, save up, take care of the family, and then when you get engaged move out, live in an apartment until both of you with duo income can afford a nice house, then start a family. If that’s not possible, then you get a pet, or build a pond in your backyard and collect nice things to enjoy. Thanks individualistic culture for making it more embarrassing for every generation to need to move out at 18. As if I didn’t have enough to feel bad about. Even the anthropologist in me can’t put up enough of a fight about it. Maybe I could just move in with some pygmies in some forest being chopped down, traveling on foot and having to leave our elderly and sick behind for the survival of the tribe.

Of course all I want to do is help privileged white people who have cerebral palsy or night terrors in a cozy office. I’d never venture to a third world country to live or to provide care. I’m not at all a supporter of global human rights movements or preserving small cultures.

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I’d love to have enough money to buy my own 4 bedroom house at 26. I’d like to have a steady job, something I don’t hate, because my brain chemistry is so shitty that it’s easy for me to get depressed to a point where I’m completely stagnant because I hate the stress of my job that I don’t like and am not good at because I’ll likely not be trained properly as has been the standard of the last several jobs I’ve had.

I know that I’m stuck, and I hate it, and I’m trying, but not quick enough for some people apparently. Apparently I’m just a big loser doing nothing with my life. And my dreams of owning my own house are outrageous, right? Having a quality job? Ha! What a joke. You’re not making money and you never will. And if you do? Who cares, because you’re not doing it fast enough.

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You know, I already assume I’ll die alone. And as my immediate family passes (which I hope doesn’t happen for another few decades) I’ll be ever closer to that realization. But believe me, I’ll do it in my big house with my nice things and my western medicine, and my PhD and hope that the afterlife is a hell of a lot more pleasant than this one has been.

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Forever Young

My sister has been 12 years old for just shy of 13 years. Indeed she’s a 24 year old young lady with Asperger’s Syndrome. She was developmentally normal once, but now there’s only evidence of that in pictures and cloudy memories.

I live at home with her, so it’s not something I sit around thinking about regularly, but last month she went out four times with a couple friends she’s had since junior high school. Once to a barbecue and the other times to the mall by the house, something teens and preteens in the area do.

I never heard many of the details. The most I got out of her was a nod when I asked if she had a good time. She barely speaks to me, or speaks much at all for that matter to any of us in the house. When she does its in a tiny voice. The loudest she ever gets is a “normal” inside voice tone when she’s really mad at me. So mad her brooding silence isn’t enough. I hear about the things I do that piss her off from my dad on occasion. Never from her personally.

She doesn’t often look at me, or respond if we’re talking to her, or asking questions. It used to bother me a lot more than it does now. Now I just feel sad that I may never have a normal relationship with my sister, whose going to be all I’ve got when my parents pass away one day.

Will she be able to take care of herself without them? She’s babied at home, and reminded to do everyday things like eat and shower. She spends her days on the computer or sleeping. She’s not often bothered to help out around the house. She doesn’t like swearing or drinking, she’s a vegetarian, dresses VERY conservatively and she watches mostly reality TV and kids movies.

That last part is pretty much the perk (not the reality TV). I get to have a longer feeling childhood living with a childlike sister. For instance, I trick or treated into my 20s with her until my mom insisted we were too old. She was dressed as an angel for years. One year I got her a pair of light up wings to go with her costume.

She doesn’t often smile and never with teeth. Her laughs are muffled, like she’s trying to hide them. I should have cherished those experiences more, because being an adult sucks.

Mostly I’m frustrated though. She’s not easy to live with, and though most of the things she does drive me crazy (and our parents pretty much let her do her thing so she’ll be content) she really is important to me. She’s my little sister.

Back to her seeing friends, I wonder often why they’re friends with her. Do they feel bad for her or genuinely like her and just excuse her odd behavior? Historically, she’s gone out about once a year during the summer with those friends to the mall. She doesn’t drive, so we give her rides and made sure she’s met up with whoever it is before leaving.

My mom refuses to let her take public transportation because she worries something will happen to her, so we take turns driving her pretty much anywhere she needs to go, mostly school.

It pisses me off thinking her friends may not genuinely care for her. I worry about them taking advantage of her or talking about her behind her back. It brings out a protective side of me. Oddly enough, it also gave me conflicting emotions on how I feel about her “growing up” and being social. She hasn’t seen her friends again for the last month, and I wonder if that makes her sad.

The thing that made me want to write this post was how angry I was a few days ago when she and I were shopping at the grocery store with my dad. We were picking up bagels and she saw her friend who works in the bakery. My dad happily encouraged her to say hi. She stood there awkwardly for a minute, a smile on her face without saying a word, then had a 60 second exchange with this girl whose face expressed that she wanted nothing to do with my sister. Maybe she was having a rough day at work, but it both enraged me and made me very sad. It didn’t seem to phase my sister.

Having a family member with Asperger’s is hard. I’ve often felt bad for my parents, who have two abnormal children (myself being bipolar), but we’re well loved, and our mom and dad are grateful to have us as we are to have them.

Emotional Crap & then Instagram!

Everyone wears different hats (some of which are cowboy hats made of straw that get destroyed at folk punk shows) and it’s not a bad idea to count them when we’re feeling down. I’m a writer, a student, a sister, daughter, friend, photographer, and a spoon.

The big spoon to be exact, and that’s my favorite spoon to be.  Historically, when Chris and I are in bed, he picks a side to lay and I get behind him and put my arm around him, scootch up so my chest is touching his back, and my knees duck behind his in the same direction. I’ve spent years as the big spoon, looking over his shoulder as he quietly snores, while I’m unable to fall asleep as quickly. I’ve used the time to take in the scenery.

A living photograph, I don’t want to forget the moment, the sights, or the smells. I delve into memories that weren’t significant. Like his old dog that I held in a blanket once in his room while she drooled all over herself, freaked out by the thunderstorm. Or just a few years ago when he decided he wanted to rearrange his room, we cleaned it out and found his old talkboy with a recording on it and giggled. It’s never boring to be the big spoon.

But aside from traveling the harmonious side of the universe, I also spend a lot of time overthinking. Pretty memories tainted by the grim feeling that the best years of my life are over, and I’m a very unhappy, stuck, and sick adult. It’s a grotesque feeling to have.

I’m not as comfortable being the social butterfly I used to be because my anxiety has steadily risen as I’ve aged. I don’t have the energy I used to when I wasn’t hypothyroid. I lost my slim figure and ALL my confidence. I’m a class short of a college degree and unemployed as I spend nights at home peering through the digital windows of people from my past via Facebook.

Some have joined the army, gotten married, had kids… Those are the hardest things to see when you feel like you’re behind in life. Last Thursday while I had my nanny hat on, I was holding the 1.5 year old who had his feet on my thigh and head and hands on my chest and my other arm around the 3.5 year old who was cuddled up holding my arm with both hands so I wouldn’t let go. We were watching Disney’s Hercules. I was thinking about how much I love those kids, how good of a mom I’d be to my own kids.

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(These are the boys, this picture is on my instagram!)

I guess the only thing to do is fake it till you make it. Go through the motions, the job searches, pretend you’re not violently depressed while you’re out, and make yourself GO out to battle how easy it is to isolate. Try not to waste the years you’re given even if they’re not the best of your life. It’s more work than it sounds, though the non depressed highly motivated career people reading this will likely disagree.

Oh well, no one can download an app to understand what another person is feeling anyways. If they could they’d pick up on the slew of feelings I discovered a few nights ago when I found out the girl who Chris had a “thing” with over the winter in WA had read my blog when she found out I was on tumblr.

I had been copy/pasting my blog posts from here to tumblr so Chris would read them both before I found out about the thing and the months after when I was in day hospital and we were on non speaking terms. (Just to make note of it, it’s been months since I stopped posting there, he came home, things changed.)

But this is finding out the girl whose guts I hate read my blog, and most importantly LIKED my writing. She even commented to Chris that she really liked the poem I wrote. After some time when the blog was discontinued she even asked him again where she could find it. I was thankful to find out he didn’t tell her.

I was shocked and scared at first, then angry, then complimented. Then undecided, which is where I’ve parked that emotional Volkswagen because there’s no use in obsessing over it.

To end on a jolly note, here are some screenshot sneak peeks at my instagram in case you feel like adding me! I’m more than happy to add you back. 🙂 “lelindelle” is the user name, drop a comment, and as always, thanks for reading.

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Lows and the Supernatural

For starters…

One major anxiety I have is saying goodbye when I’m with friends. I never had a problem doing it with Chris because I was my most comfortable with him, just like I have no problem doing it with my family. (Aside from the paranoid ‘what if something bad happens to them when they go do whatever they’re out doing?’) But friends, I don’t see everyday, and I’m close to my friends, it’s a grey area. I have problems thinking that people I love don’t love me as much as I love them, which makes me need to WORK to KEEP that love strong and then I have to keep up some sort of smiling face all the time so- that- I don’t even know. I just want everybody’s time out to be a GREAT time out worth remembering. Even if we’re just watching movies and eating pizza. Or playing board games and eating pizza. Or going to Comic Con and eating gyros. My brain goes into full-on monologue mode where my logical mind thinks things out with my anxious mind and I try to keep my vitals from peaking into panic attack mode.

The next thing on my mind.

I see discounts on boat rentals, paintball and packages at Starved Rock which I ALWAYS wanted to go with Chris to. It’s a little more painful today than normal (who am I kidding, it’s wayyyy more painful) because I saw him leave flirty comments on a girls picture of her taking a selfie in her underwear. It pretty much killed my day. On the other hand it makes me feel like a 13 year old. He’d probably roll his eyes if he heard that, and I wouldn’t blame him. I forgot about it for a few hours watching Supernatural (doing this whole study- but then take an 8 hour break to marathon Supernatural), but it’s back to haunt me now. I need to sleep the next couple year of my life to get over the guy, I’m telling you. I “unfollowed” him on my facebook so I hopefully won’t see what the hell else he’s saying to women. GOD it hurts.

 So what’s Supernatural got to do with anything?

I’ve seen a ton of random episodes over the years, but on Netflix wanted to start marathoning something, so I figured why not Supernatural? In my most trying times, the best distraction has been to find a TV series, an empty room, a pillow and blanket to camp out with, and press play. Dean and Sam Winchester are nice eye candy too. I used to think Sam looked like a fish, but due to the phenomena of ‘mere exposure’ I think I may have developed a fictional character crush on him. Him and you know, Tuxedo Mask, and countless other strong male leads in cartoons, novels and movies.

Last thoughts?

Thought of Chris when I saw this.

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Just wanna be happy again.

People skills

It took 17 songs (and 3 highways) to get from the depths of the city where I’m dogsitting to my destination suburb where class was. Dr. Clay greeted me kindly and I could feel myself blush. He’s got the greatest personality and the sweetest heart. Over my day hospital adventure he was accommodating and kind. I’ve only got 2 more classes with him and I’m going to miss him.

Since it turned summer (we skip spring and fall in Chicago) I’ve been enjoying the night with the owls, singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down and dancing in the driver’s seat. It’s more than I HAVE been dancing since I gained weight last year and Chris encouraged me not to dance because it’s embarrassing for fat people to dance. I remember going to concerts with him and swaying WISHING things were the year before when I could completely get down and it was sexy.

I think I’m going to apply for disability. My dad is giving me his support which is a big deal. It’s been something I’ve thought about for at least a year. I hear they’ll turn me down at least 3 times, but I’m willing to keep re applying. The only thing I heard that’s odd is that once I have disability I’ll never be able to get a job because I’ll be on disability. That doesn’t sound right to me.

I wonder if Chris is back in town. He sent me a snapchat of his packed suitcase about a week ago, that was the last I’d “heard” from him. I assume if he is home he’s living it up blowing money at bars with his brothers and friends before he goes back to work. Everywhere I go I carry some extra degree of anxiety thinking he’s spotted me and is judging from afar. Then I wonder what part of the city he’ll move into. What will his life be like? How happy will he be to stumble into his apartment with a new girl fumbling to lock the door?

I remember the day I got him his job. We were discussing what he could do and searching indeed.com on my phone when I had the idea maybe he could work for my friend Lucy’s company. I texted her and we got things rolling, she was doing me the favor. It was warm out and Chris and I were lounging on a green blanket at the forest preserve. I took a picture laying on my stomach of the mountains of the blanket against the grass and sky. Not the artsiest picture, but one I can remember clearly to this day.

It upsets me that he had”requests” for his terms of getting his job back after his time out of state for the winter. It wouldn’t have bothered me and I do at the end of the day want him to be more comfortable and work more reasonable hours…but even Lucy told me she thought it was kind of rude he didn’t talk to her for months and that’s what he had to say to her after all that time. She thought they were at least friend’s. It pissed me off that that’s how she ended up feeling. You could at least fake a friendly “how are you” a week before it sounds like you’re making demands.

In the end, shouldn’t matter to me anyway about Chris. He has no interest in any kind of relationship with me. I say to myself I should stop being nostalgic over memories that pop up as I see or smell things in everyday life, but, I’m sentimental. I could be bitter and tell everyone he was a waste of time, but that’s not how I feel. I’m just sad all that laughing, adventuring, intimacy is gone.

This is a phone blog post so it’ll be a little before I can reply to comments until the weekend. I don’t have a Wi-Fi password here so no laptop. Bleh.