It doesn’t have to be a snowman…

Welp, I messaged Chris on facebook, asking him how his day was because how more neutrally can you strike up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in months? Aaaaannnnd he asked if it was a good idea for us to be communicating. So I said ‘Who knows. Guess we won’t tonight.” And that’s that. Serious sadness. Farewell to that relationship probably forever considering that response. His loss, right?

The equivalent of going up to the door as Ana from Frozen and asking, “Do you want to build a snowman?” “Okay, bye…” (By the way, that song, completely made me want to cry. It’s a prime example of why I hate children/family movies, they squeeze your emotions out VERY well). To make matters worse, when I was watching the movie with Izzy and the kids last week I couldn’t help but remember when Chris and I saw Tangled and we were shocked and pleasantly surprised, one of the few people in the really old, small theater with uncomfortable chairs…I really cherish that memory. Makes my eyes watery recalling it every time the way things are now.

If that thought weighed my head down, what turns my frown around is that it turns out that test that I was so unsure of and then ended up finishing first and feeling good about last week, I got a 49/50 on. What a great feeling in the midst of feeling anxious and depressed as EFF.

Tuesday is now over so three more official days with the dogs. My sleep schedule has gone completely to hell. Bedtime has been around 8-9am while watching mind numbing TV. My Seroquel used to put me out light a light within an hour or two the longest and now it doesn’t do a thing for me. I’ve got so much anxiety balled up about calling the doctor though that it’s fueling the fire inside. The vicious icy blue fire that freezes and I have a hard time controlling. (Like Elsa! I guess maybe I should re-name this post, ‘Let it Go’ considering all the messages so far).

I never even fished watching Frozen yet. The kids were awful last week and I turned the movie off. Just a sample of my depressed persons world is having my heart sink the first quarter of that movie with all the depressing stuff that happens (which is, to be expected, typical Disney recipe for plot building). I think the worst part is that entire growing up, “Do you want to build a snowman?” song that I referenced a couple paragraphs ago. Izzy, whose 5, kept looking over at my facial expressions and worriedly would say things like, “it’s still a good movie!”

My family called today to check on me this morning and I was in such a slump it was WORK to talk to them. I wanted to spend the time on the phone but when they were asking me how I was feeling it wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear. Depressed, tired, my chest and stomach hurt (“probably stress” – mom) and I just don’t ‘feel good’. My dad helped me out a LOT with the assignment I needed to turn in today which I REALLY appreciate. I’ve been more connected with the family emotionally since adult day hospital began, one of the good things that came of it. I just hate letting them down, I’m more honest with them about how I’m feeling than I am with my close friends and I like to think I’m pretty honest about how I’m feeling, perhaps I just tend to be in my rawest form when I tell my family I’m emotionally not feeling well, and they can pick up on it whether or not I say anything.

“Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It’s like you’ve gone away-
We used to be best buddies
And now we’re not
I wish you would tell me why!-
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman…”

large

 

Advertisements

You’re Grounded!

Environment affects anxiety and though I’m away from home where everyone’s anxiety is always out in the open and fighting for space in the air, I’m at Lane’s dog sitting for a WEEK. I packed my bags and waddled into the apartment after I miraculously found a parking spot and I’ve yet to leave my spot until I darn near have to. Along in my bag snuck my anxiety, padded between my clean clothes. It’s unpacked itself since, and has taken full advantage of not having to compete with other anxieties in the house for space. It’s taken it all!

20140329_152440While I’ve been alone with my thoughts, I’ve learned that my anxiety is really LOUD lately, like a 14 year old with a lot of attitude. “Oh you’re going to totally blow this social psych assignment.” “Chris is totally done and over even the THOUGHT of you. When he comes home he’s not going to want anything to do with you and your relationship will never be the same, loser.” “You’re starting to isolate again, you should get out of it but umm yeah let’s make sure you can’t focus on anything so you can’t have a conversation and in turn not want to have one.” Thoughts GONE WILD!

20140327_214725_8_bestshotSpeaking of things going wild, I’ve been alternating MTV and forensic documentaries depending on the time of day and what’s on. I’m likely to break the habit as soon as I leave here, but there’s not much to do aside from homework, sleep and TV here. I told my friend David I liked the WWE finally thanks to watching a show called, “Total Divas” which was about all these WWE wrestling girls. He’s a big fan of the WWE and I’ve always groaned and rolled my eyes at it. Now we can both share a laugh. Danny Brown has also made his way to MTV. I think of Chris because we were big fans at one point, even saw him at a festival once. Of course, he never got back to my last text.

I’m trying to watch my breathing. Every time I catch the anxiety balling up in the pit of my stomach and my thoughts racing I look around. There’s this coping mechanism you’re supposed to use where you look at 5 things, hear 4 things, smell 3 things, touch 2 things and taste one thing. I usually use this as a loose guideline. “Let me think about where I am in the here and now. I’m in Lane’s living room, I’m on the couch, the couch is big and comfy, it smells like…dogs, I’m touching my tongue to the inside of my cheek and I have the lingering taste of Dr. Pepper in my mouth…okay breathe…” It’s usually something like that. I’m not a pro at grounding but I’m surely doing my work.

One last thing that’s a little amusing is that on Lane’s bookshelf he’s got the Karma Sutra 4 or 5 books away from a book titled Codependance. A-ma-zing.

 

 

 

Follow Up To Hartbreak Harbor

It’s been a long night. After I concealed the puffy circles under my eyes I went in to take my test and I knew EVERY ANSWER (except for maybe 2, but out of 50 that’s not bad). I was the first one to finish which had me both confident but a little apprehensive.

when-im-the-first-one-done-on-a-test_o_2314341On the way home I listened to loud music. I found some old CD’s Chris and I bought together from a record store and put in the one with the best beats that made my car sound like I had a system. I was relishing in my adrenaline from the test. Then I started to wear out by the time I got home 50 minutes later from school.

Then after a couple hours of worrying I did something really big. I broke it to my folks that I won’t be graduating this Spring because the teacher gave my presentation a 0 and wouldn’t accept a doctors note and the Dean sided with her decision. I bawled my eyes out and unlike the response I was expecting, both parents (one which I had waken from bed) said to do better next time and it’s alright and they still love me (after minutes of me wailing that I was sorry I was sick and a failure and I’m sorry they didn’t have a better child). Eventually I calmed down, and felt 10,000 times better that I finally got it in the open. I even applied for a job as a DSP (Direct Service Professional) in the Chicagoland area and we’ll see if I get a call back for that. In the meantime I’m going to put all my effort into getting A’s in my other two classes.

As I was laying in bed I remembered something that happened back when I was finishing up the crying session in the car. I was looking for a pen to take my test with and shuffling through my purse for about a minute when I pulled out a child’s tea set spoon, lavender to be exact. It came rushing back to me that Izzy, the 5 year old I take care of, gave it to me last time I saw her (a week ag0). She had originally wanted me to keep a teacup but I told her she might need that so she insisted on a spoon which I told her I would keep with me all the time and, I have. It reminded me how much I’m loved, and after such a rough day was the kind of sweet thing I needed to savor.

I have plans to see one of my best friends on Saturday for breakfast and maybe a walk in the forest preserve, weather permitting. As long as we don’t get brutally murdered on our walk I have dogsitting coming back up and 2 papers due next Tuesday.

Heartache harbor

I’m on my phone swyping this post away because I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s the first day since before day hospital started that I felt this physically ill from heartache. I’ve been out of control depressed all day and night and my heart? I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. What else could have me feeling so poisoned?

Can’t afford a therapist because of insurance? Get ready to go downhill! That’s just about how it feels right now, and even if I got some super cheap therapist I’d probably be getting what I’d be paying for. My relationship with Michael was so strong knowing it’s virtually dead because of insurance is just as harsh as my feelings about Chris.

Just kidding. Those are worse. He’s due back in Chicago this month and we haven’t spoken for a month. He infiltrates all of my dreams and makes them horrible.

I have all this self hate today graduated to crying in the school parking lot avoiding looking up. I pretty much ate back all the weight I lost last month from stress about Chris coming back and ironically it makes me hate myself more because I wanted to be thin and flawless and woo him back superficially.

If he missed the actual me he’d have reached out by now. There’s no going back. It’s been a while since I wished I was dead but I have such a bleak outlet of the future it’s really astonishing.

Now I have about 30 minutes to force myself to stop crying, walk into class looking like I WASN’T just bawling my eye out, and do mediocre on this test because I am just not mentally tuned in to the test taking channel.

I guess it’s just my stupid luck

Every time I get a text notification my broken heart still skips a beat. Both fortunately and unfortunately it’s never him. I do long for the day it is though no matter how healthy my case manager seems to think it is I get some space to mourn the loss.

Rob dominated group today with talk of his anxiety and self image. He’s a dad, hitting fifty soon and for some reason that makes it harder to hear his struggles both from his childhood and as an adult. In all honesty I feel glad we were able to dedicate some time to his issues, but I really wanted to talk today. Group psychotherapy is only an hour.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get a turn. I’m anticipating the insurance will only cover 2 more weeks of day hospital. I’m going to soak up as much as I can from the program and continue to do all my work to make progress. Hopefully I’ll be able to see my case manager in his private practice as well leaving the program. He’s really a stand up guy. I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life right now.

And speaking of men in my life, Brian, who I gave the AA coin to has been twirling it in his fingers all the time and keeps it on him all day. He even likes the quote on it about adjusting our sails to the wind. If I wasn’t so highly medicated I’d cry tears of joy that I could do something for someone that meant that much to them.

On my way home from babysitting I started thinking about what I’ll say in goals group tomorrow morning. They ask for a mood rating number from 1 to 100 (I was a 31 earlier today), a physical feeling, an emotional feeling, a goal for in program and a goal for the evening outside of program. You also answer if you met your goal for the previous week.

The past couple days when group is over, I’ve just wanted to curl up in a ball from depression and disappear. Sleep is my go to coping mechanism. It’s scary because if I feel that way on days I’m IN day hospital how will I function when it’s over?

Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. Tomorrow when I get a chance at the computer, as opposed to my phone, I will get back to all of you. Support from this outlet is just as valuable as support from the people in group.

I’m not the killing type

But I would kill to make him feel. I’d kill to move his face an inch.

I sprinted into the bathroom after I was dressed to make sure my phone didn’t fall into the tub I was just soaking in. I almost made it through the bath in peace but then started thinking about how I’m going to phrase myself in day hospital tomorrow when I have to introduce myself and why I’m there with the rest of the messed up people. People are always supportive of divorce but I’m not divorced. I’m just in mourning that the love of my life just wants to be friends and even said to me “you don’t think there will be other women after kara?”

Just one month ago everything was just fine and now about 3 weeks later I’m destroying my last semester and desperately clinging on to sanity. It really dosent get better the first month at least. We’re supposed to have a goal for getting through the program and mine is to be able to function again.

They’re going to ask me if I WANT to be friends with him and the answer is yes…but with or without him I feel destroyed so how can I legitimately be friends with him when he’s with other women? He might settle for the next one for all I know and how can I be friends with the love of my life when he’s married? Never meet his wife? Ask him never to talk about her? Unrealistic. She’ll tell him to drop me and he will and I’ll be defeated for the last time. That’s how I see our pathetic future panning out.

I’m not even myself with him right now. And now I’m committed to this program I won’t have the chance to sleep all day but I do need to figure out how to face life again and that’s why I’m doing this. I just can’t stop crying. I feel ugly and not good enough. I feel desperate and pathetic. I feel broken. Still. I’m sure you’re all sick of reading about it by now.

Fake it till you make it

I couldn’t sleep last night
Nor the night before that
I can’t sleep tonight
This is standard format

Fake it till you make it
Walk right out the door
Go through all the motions
Find yourself on the floor

A breakthrough for a moment
While at the laundromat
Everything that’s clear now
Fogs up on the way back

Fake it till you make it
Forget all that he’s done
Your hearts the size of Texas
But he’s your only one

Standing in the shower
Breathing in hot air
You’ve been in there for an hour
But there’s still time to spare

Fake it till you make it
And take care of yourself
The pain won’t always be there
You won’t always feel like someone else

Take my hand and guide me
Bring me back to life
I thought love was the answer
Not an ingredient of strife

Fake it till you make it
In the end it’s only you
There are no clear answers
In my point of view