Meanwhile, my words are tucked away

Sometimes it’s comforting that someone else has found the words to describe the things you wish you could, but the things you wish you could are busy stealing your life away.

Here are some very perfect quotes on depression I found this evening. I’m not crying, you’re crying…

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
― David Foster Wallace

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
― Stephen Fry

“Some friends don’t understand this. They don’t understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are. They don’t understand that I can’t remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel

“The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see–the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life.”
― Katie McGarry

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

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Take 2 Emotional Asprin and Call me in the Morning

I started practicing writing in Morse code in my paper diaries so that I could vent what I needed to but not have to trigger bad memories if I ever flipped back through the journals. But today, the pen feels like it’s a thousand pounds. I’m emotionally drunk and tonight’s poison is despair.

More than anything recently I’ve been dealing with massive amounts of anxiety. I thought it’d be a great idea to find some guided meditations on YouTube to lay down and listen to and the plan was to find at least 2 or 3 that I could share on the blog here. Results: I found nothing! Nothing that works for me anyways. The closest I got to finding something that I felt was worth listening through to the end/going back to was an amateur who could not keep pace when she was reading the meditation. There are some real calming voices out there, but missing the right words and some lovely oceanic sounds, but without the words to hold my hand I just get bored with and start cluttering  my mind with thoughts again.

I remember from about 6 years ago when I was in therapy there was this one meditation that my therapist read for me ONCE that I remember to this day. It was fabulous. It was about imagining myself as a leaf floating down a river. Once in a great while I’ll admit I try it out again just kind of winging it. As long as it works right? But then eventually I lose concentration. I’d probably be the worst Jedi ever.

Last week I put my resignation in and now I have one week left with the agency I’m at. I was hired at a higher quality, better paying job which I’m pretty qualified for, which’ll send me in the right direction in my career. It’s a big deal. I’m thrilled for it but nervous. My job I currently have a week left at I’m stressing tremendously from. The administration hasn’t been that great about it, but I just need to keep counting the days.

My health is poor, and the first opportunity I have to get things REALLY straightened out is a month away. Also, my relationship I’d say has been going the best it has been for years until a couple weeks ago when my boyfriend REALLY got down about his shitty life, and when he’s REALLY down he puts the verbal bullets right through every kill zone in me. The shots fired today of course, which has me in a coma where I haven’t said a word to anyone in the past six hours.

Since I couldn’t pick up the pen and vomit it all out, I figured I could flitter my fingers for a while. My biggest recommendation for anyone in a similar situation is to stay distracted. Right now I’m blogging, watching Netflix, and moving everything from one notebook to the other which is a nervous obsessive compulsive behavior that I just let happen because it gives me something to do at least.

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Sleep is really easy and unhealthy to do for 70% of your day off, but it’s also the best way to keep your mind off of things. So don’t sleep all day alright? Only I can do that.

Anxiety: 89/100, Mood: Marvin the Depressed Robot from HHG2G

“Why did the chicken cross the road? Because his therapist told him to do more things that scare him.” I’m not surprised I ended up in the E.R. a couple of weeks ago with dire abdominal pain (Turns out I have gastritis, sudden onset). I swallow my anxiety and anger about things instead of working through my feelings in a healthy way. Like blogging! Whenever there’s a significant lull in my posts or general communication with friends and family I’m likely gorging on negative thoughts and thereafter gagging on my hangover from them. There’s unnecessary  guilt involved in self isolating too, which makes me isolate even more intently because suddenly the thought of anything else is so horrifying it affects me physically. “Want to come over? I miss you.” “Sorry, I’ve just had my legs gnawed off by a koala and won’t be able to make it until they grow back.”

Of course my job requires extreme social interaction, but it’s with a developmentally disabled population and I’m comfortable with them. I turn on the jolly when I get to work even if I’m convinced I won’t open my mouth or smile once that day. I’m also moving up in the ranks, I was hired for the first female CILA! Charmingly enough though, they’ve pushed back my start date three times, and my god. Showing back up to work after having said goodbye twice is one of the most humiliating, anger inducing, depressing feelings in the whole world. I was told I start this Tuesday instead of Monday (today) on Friday after work. Tomorrow I’ll be making the walk of shame one last day before switching, unless my boss who is my boss for one more day, will let me take a day off unpaid. Going to have to wait another 3.5 hours to find out about if I should be so lucky. I can’t see myself opening my mouth or smiling at all at work today. Seriously.

However, it’s not like I’ve been unproductive in my mental unease. I’ve been on a fantastic cleaning and re-organizing everything my family owns spree. “Today perhaps I’ll move all of my art supplies to another area in the room!” “I think the decor on the TV stand needs a complete revamping!” “Oh no, I’ve finished washing ALL the clothes in the house. WHAT DO I DO WITH MYSELF NOW!?” It’s relaxing for a half a moment following an accomplishment, until something else to obsess over pops up. Usually it surrounds my ongoing intrusive thought that something will spark from an outlet and my home will burn down and I’ll lose everything and my life will be ruined.

There’s also a few new developments in life that are kind of devastating…to me, and I’m masticating those at the moment because they’re fresh meat. Like…I just found out that even though I’ll be OFFICIALLY done with EVERYTHING this semester and able to graduate, I’m 4 months past the due date for graduating in December, and 2 days away from missing the deadline to graduate in May of NEXT YEAR. Wow how great it feels. I think if I can make it through today, I should be able to cope a little better by breaking things down, but this whole going to work thing today is pretty much a big glue ball of stress that’s grabbing with it all other things I need to deal with and making it slightly impossible NOT to want to hide in my head. CBT and all that are just too energy consuming right now and I’m probably not going to get more than an hour or two of sleep as is.

It doesn’t have to be a snowman…

Welp, I messaged Chris on facebook, asking him how his day was because how more neutrally can you strike up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in months? Aaaaannnnd he asked if it was a good idea for us to be communicating. So I said ‘Who knows. Guess we won’t tonight.” And that’s that. Serious sadness. Farewell to that relationship probably forever considering that response. His loss, right?

The equivalent of going up to the door as Ana from Frozen and asking, “Do you want to build a snowman?” “Okay, bye…” (By the way, that song, completely made me want to cry. It’s a prime example of why I hate children/family movies, they squeeze your emotions out VERY well). To make matters worse, when I was watching the movie with Izzy and the kids last week I couldn’t help but remember when Chris and I saw Tangled and we were shocked and pleasantly surprised, one of the few people in the really old, small theater with uncomfortable chairs…I really cherish that memory. Makes my eyes watery recalling it every time the way things are now.

If that thought weighed my head down, what turns my frown around is that it turns out that test that I was so unsure of and then ended up finishing first and feeling good about last week, I got a 49/50 on. What a great feeling in the midst of feeling anxious and depressed as EFF.

Tuesday is now over so three more official days with the dogs. My sleep schedule has gone completely to hell. Bedtime has been around 8-9am while watching mind numbing TV. My Seroquel used to put me out light a light within an hour or two the longest and now it doesn’t do a thing for me. I’ve got so much anxiety balled up about calling the doctor though that it’s fueling the fire inside. The vicious icy blue fire that freezes and I have a hard time controlling. (Like Elsa! I guess maybe I should re-name this post, ‘Let it Go’ considering all the messages so far).

I never even fished watching Frozen yet. The kids were awful last week and I turned the movie off. Just a sample of my depressed persons world is having my heart sink the first quarter of that movie with all the depressing stuff that happens (which is, to be expected, typical Disney recipe for plot building). I think the worst part is that entire growing up, “Do you want to build a snowman?” song that I referenced a couple paragraphs ago. Izzy, whose 5, kept looking over at my facial expressions and worriedly would say things like, “it’s still a good movie!”

My family called today to check on me this morning and I was in such a slump it was WORK to talk to them. I wanted to spend the time on the phone but when they were asking me how I was feeling it wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear. Depressed, tired, my chest and stomach hurt (“probably stress” – mom) and I just don’t ‘feel good’. My dad helped me out a LOT with the assignment I needed to turn in today which I REALLY appreciate. I’ve been more connected with the family emotionally since adult day hospital began, one of the good things that came of it. I just hate letting them down, I’m more honest with them about how I’m feeling than I am with my close friends and I like to think I’m pretty honest about how I’m feeling, perhaps I just tend to be in my rawest form when I tell my family I’m emotionally not feeling well, and they can pick up on it whether or not I say anything.

“Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It’s like you’ve gone away-
We used to be best buddies
And now we’re not
I wish you would tell me why!-
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman…”

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My Relationship Status

I’m really depressed. Not to be a whiny bitch, but this song completely sums up my current relationship status.

So you no longer care if there’s another day

I guess I have been there, I guess I am there now

You knew what you wanted and you fought so hard

Just to find yourself sitting in a golden cage

In a golden cage

So of course I miss you and miss you bad

But I also felt this way when I was still with you

Yes of course I miss you and miss you bad But I also felt this way when I was still with you

This city’s no longer mine

There’s sadness written on every corner.

Still in an emotional relationship with someone which seems to be going nowhere. But I’ve been in love with the guy for five years. So sadly, no one is going to be him at this stage of my emotional being. I’d rather be alone, but god I’m lonely right now. Being bipolar doesn’t help in the slightest, in fact it makes the depression ten times worse. He’s my best friend too, which hurts the most because we talk every day but there’s really nothing there, while he’s halfway across the country at least. It’s a different story when he’s back in town for months at a time, and I hope it is again when he comes back. I just really want to be with the person I love. Doesn’t everybody?

Thanks for listening to me blabber. I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while but just couldn’t face facts and write it all out, now I have. Took my ‘mental health day’ and all it ended up being was oversleeping and my car not working properly. I need to get it fixed but I tutor tomorrow so I’m hoping it’ll get me through tomorrow so I can get it to Pep Boy’s on Friday morning. One good thing that came out of the day was I talked to my favorite couple from Massachusetts on Mumble. I missed their voices and their company, and now we can all play World of Warcraft together again. They’re closer to me than my own family (sadly in some ways) but they kept me from feeling too lonely until the night rang and I woke up at 3am feeling miserable and missing my bear.